Worried DH is suppressing emotions - AIBU to ask him to see a counsellor?

[Pennylane22]

Hi all

I need to see if I’m just creating a problem out of nothing. My DH has had a traumatic 4 years. Lost both parents, cared for me through A major injury, male infertility, changed job, IVF ongoing. He soldiers on without complaint. I worry he is suppressing his emotions and it’s all going to come out at some stage.

As a concrete example of how he deals with things - he broke his leg a month ago. I asked how he was feeling the day after he broke it and he said ‘well I have to just carry on with it’ which doesn’t answer the question of how he’s feeling ie frustrated/in pain/tired from trying to get around.

He is in good form day to day, eats well, hardly drinks- the odd glass of wine or a beer with his mates, he’s never smoked or taken drugs, meets his friends for a catch up every few weeks and very loving toward me, very good to my family and we have been on several nice holidays.

Is he fine and I’m over reacting -can someone really deal so easily with so much upset? - I haven’t seen him cry about his parents since the funeral. He says he is good at compartmentalising and his parents would want him to carry on and be happy.

Or should I ask him to go see someone to talk?

Unless he is exhibiting signs of mental distress, then maybe respect his judgment? Suggesting he sees someone is assuming rather a lot. Many people deal with their emotions inwardly perfectly happily and do not feel the need to talk, or cry or whatever.

Ask him if he would like to talk, by all means. Explore some of the issues he's had to face and see if he seems to want to offload.

Otherwise, just let him know you're there for him and let him crack on. He sounds well adjusted and as though he's coping just fine - you would seem to have a happy stable marriage, he obviously has good friends and good relationships with your family. Maybe that's all he needs?

What would you prefer though, after all most of us just have to carry on with stuff day after day. Sometimes putting stuff to the back of your mind is the only way

He may well have wry good mental health and be dealing with it all well. Some people really can process things without too much distress.

I’m grieving myself right now and I am not the type to benefit from too much talking. I work it through in my own mind and ways until I come to terms with it.

If he’s not showing any signs of MH distress then I’d make sure he knows you’ve got his back if he needs it and allow him the grace of believing him when he says he’s ok.

Don't create a problem where none exists. I'm sure you'd be able to tell if he was having issues.

Maybe you are emotional enough for both of you?

My DH is the same, he just prefers to deal with negative emotions privately. If he does need to talk something out it won't be with me, it'll be with his mates. If it works for him, leave him to it, pushing him to talk might cause more problems than it solves.

Thanks all. It’s interesting to see your views. I am definitely a more emotional person than him. I suppose my worry is that if it is suppressing it it’ll all come out severely once we stop ‘survival mode’ as it’s been one thing after another this past few years so I worry everything will hit him like a ton of bricks at some stage. Hopefully he is processing it in his own way.

Some people just don’t want to talk about it. And that’s ok. The best way to help him is to create a quietly supportive environment where he feels able to say what he wants without judgement. What’s right for you may not be right for him.

Leave him to deal with things as he needs to.

I think I am probably like your DH: I have had quite a few traumatic events in my life but have never had counselling. My way of dealing with things is just to get on with life, as well as reading and sometimes writing it all down, and very occasionally talking to other people, usually once I have had time to digest things. I would find someone demanding that I talk about it or see a counsellor intrusive and unhelpful.

I would look for ways to include the outdoors in your life - fresh air and the sight of the sky is healing. And look for moments where he might want to do /experience something expressive, like exercise, sport, art or music. Otherwise I'm sure he is living to you because you are loving to him and hes doing ok with your support.

He might be talking to his mates.
He might be a water under the bridge, can't change anything type person.
If there are no red flags (stressed,angry, leas affectionate, isolating himself, trouble sleeping etc) and he's going about life as usual then he might just be ok.

I didn't even cry at my dad's funeral, too much shit to deal with (relatives, depressed mother and a 1 yo) , after that mum stopped eating and sleeping, I found out I'm adopted AND had a cancer scare and surgery all in a different country from OH. I was ok because I had to be.

Do I get sad sometimes? Yes. Do I get low sometimes? Yes. But once again I get on with it because I have shit to do and a life to live . I talk to my friends more than OH because he panics or thinks he has to fix it or cheer me up.There's nothing to fix.

Thanks all, you’ve helped put my mind at ease. It’s been worrying me for a while. I appreciate it!!!