To think no one cares about women’s sexual health

[AnonymousNameChanger]

I suffer with vaginismus. I have never in my life had pain-free sex. I haven’t been able to have PIV sex at all for close to 20 years. Every so often I pluck up the courage to go and see someone about it. And every time I’ve been dismissed. The most sympathetic response I’ve had was ‘have you tried extra lubrication?’ Several times the response has been along the lines of ‘this is just something some women have to put up with’. I’ve tried different doctors and nurses, it’s always the same. They’re not interested as I’m not trying to get pregnant.

I’m now getting the odd symptom of perimenopause, at a relatively young age. I’m feeling so sad and angry that I’m leaving my youth behind without ever experiencing a good sex life - it feels like I’ve missed a rite of passage. My partner cares, but I feel I can’t talk to him about it. I have no one else I can talk to about it either. I feel so ashamed and a total failure.

Can anyone give me some advice on getting over this?

This sounds terrible. Have you ever had access to psychosexual counselling? If not google whether any of your local hospitals run a psychosexual counselling clinic - if they do you go to your gp and refuse to leave the office until you are referred.
There is a treatment plan but you need specialist support.

I am really sorry to hear that but not surprised. I was fobbed off with for a couple of years because my gynecologist assumed the cause was psychological. It wasn’t, it was an estrogen issue and as soon as that was addressed, sex was no longer painful.

Are you in the U.K.? Could you get to London? Guys and StThomas have a specialist psychosexual service you could ask to be referred to.

Are you in the U.K. ? Insist on a referral if you are. Your sex life IS NOT over, even with peri symptoms. I was told I had it too... turns out it was something else. Also - I would advise getting a lesbian sex guide. I’m gay so PIV is not the focus of my sex life obvs and I have and have had fantastic sex with female partners without that kind of penetration.

Who have you been seeing about it? You'd be better off making an appointment with a sexual health clinic than a GP.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/vaginismus/

I started at my local Sex health clinic - they’re amazing and see all sorts and are confidential. Staffed my gynaecologists, and very experience nursing staff etc.
And as part of the hospital everything was very joined up in medicine further investigation etc.
It’s completely bypasses your GP, unless you tell them they can they won’t even inform GP you’ve been there.

And obvs as it’s NHS there’s no charges/ costs etc. to see consultants.

I sympathise I've had a similar experience. I tried psycho sexual counselling but it was a bloke which I found uncomfortable and he did all the talking, no interest in anything I had to say. It was a joke. Given up now. Luckily I have an amazing partner who doesnt mind not having PIV sex. He's a wonderful man.

Guys and Thomas only take local referrals and only seem to deal with the psychological side of things (which is helpful but I would want a physical cause to be properly investigated first).

How about this consultant?
www.woodlandhospital.co.uk/specialists/gynaecology/mrs-ami-shukla

This is her private clinic but she sees NHS patients at Northampton Hospital. Or google your area and gynecologist with interest in vaginismus.

In fact, give your DP the sex guide.

I can't believe that 24% voted YABU

Perhaps the YABUs aren't for OPs personal situ but for the fact that there are options available for proper investigation. I don't think you can write off the entire medical profession on this subject, I've seen plenty of sympathetic, helpful ( mostly female) gynae's and hcps on this subject.
But there isn't a 'cure' it really is something that has to be treated on a case by case basis...

I can't believe that 24% voted YABU

The title of the thread - To think no one cares about women’s sexual health - is unreasonable. The OP's frustration that nobody she has spoken to about it has been able to help is reasonable.

You can't say no-one cares about women's sexual health just because you feel no-one cares about yours though. 20 years is a long time, in this period of time have you asked for psychological help and been refused? Because it's an anxiety based disorder and you need specialised help.

It's not classified as an anxiety-based disorder, though it may have started as such.

Thanks for all the replies. Don’t live in the UK now, but had the same response when I did live in England as I’ve had in the country I currently live in.

Sorry if the title of the thread offended people. It’s interesting that others have had the same experience though. I’ve been to GPs and nurses, no sexual health clinics near me. I did look into psychosexual counselling but at the equivalent of 200 quid an hour it’s not affordable.

It pisses me off though. It seems like an area of health care that is pretty much ignored for the most part.

You are not wrong. It is a very underdiagnosed and understudied problem. Have you ever had pelvic floor physical therapy? That can be VERY helpful. There are some gynecologists who specialize in problems like vaginismus, although they are few and far between. You don't live in the U.S. by chance, do you?

I read the OP to refer to her personal experiences with being dismissed and unsupported with a medical problem, but had she been trying to make a more general point I think she would have been correct.

Look at the billions channeled towards dealing with erectile dysfunction while no one even discusses that many women not only do not orgasm but experience pain during penetrative sex. Or the lack of resources for treating birth injuries or stress incontinence or the side-effects of the menopause. Even basic female anatomy is mistaught; find the clitoris seems to be as much of a problem for teenagers as it is for urologists.