In thinking children deserve “mental health days” as much as adults?

[nameymcnamechangeagain]

Huge backstory I’m afraid. Lots of court proceedings between me and ex regarding our children and their custody, I firmly believe they are being manipulated and emotionally abused by their dad.

This week my older one refused to return to his dads despite court ordered contact, he also claimed Timmy ache and didn’t want to go to school, I didn’t necessarily believe he had a tummy ache however this is SO out of character for him - it became a red flag for me and not only did I keep him off school but I kept him with me despite the court order. He’s back there now. Turns out he did in fact have an upset tummy but I do believe his is anxiety induced.

I feel I did the right thing in this situation but will be strung up for it.

AIBU?! I feel like I need an outside perspective because I have no idea what’s right anymore and feel like I’m going mad. DS is 10 if that makes any difference

In circumstances like that I fully agree with you.

I think in the whole the “mental health day” approach is often confused with “can’t be arsed days” but it doesn’t sound like that was the case here

Yeah in all fairness I’ve used the term here although I was completely honest with his school, I told them he said he had a tummy ache, I told them I felt that it was an emotional issue but either way - he was staying off, they were understand.

It’s his dad and the picture he is painting for court/cafcass etc I was advised to contact the court and the police to let them know I was in breach of the order, I did both of those things and the police agreed I’d done the right thing but still, this is all seriously taking its toll on me now 😥

On average, schools are open 195 days a year. That means on average, kids are off 170 days a year. I think almost half the year is enough time off. I’m respect to the abuse, only you know what’s right in that situation

YANBU

In the situation you described you were absolutely reasonable. Hope your son is feeling better and that things get easier for you both

I think children (and indeed many adults!) often point to the physical parts of anxiety because they’re easier to identify than the emotions. This sort of thing must be so upsetting and confusing for children because it’s their parent who they love but who is being awful to them.

Generally speaking-
there’s a difference between a day off due to poor mental health (necessary) and a day off because you can’t be arsed/would rather do something else (unneccessary). Too many people use “mental health day” to refer to a day doing something they prefer doing to school/work when they have no mental ill health. While it’s beneficial to mental health to do the nice things, children have weekends and plenty of school holidays in which to do them.

I will 100% support anyone who stays off work or keeps their child off school due to poor mental health. But not the people who use the term as an excuse for a skive and a jolly.

I'm on the fence. In your DS's case it does sound like it was needed.

I wouldn't let my DS take one though unless there were extenuating circumstances. I've never taken a mental health day off work as I've never felt the need to.

YANBU
First, he had an upset stomach. So he was physically sick
Second, even if he had lied about the upset stomach, he was within his rights to ask for a mental health/stress day off and you would be perfectly reasonable to support him.

With our children we always said just tell us if you need a day off due to stress. We never required they be physically ill to miss school. To us, mental health is equal to physical health. I’ve called them off school numerous times when they were just wanting a “stress relief day”.

On average, schools are open 195 days a year. That means on average, kids are off 170 days a year. I think almost half the year is enough time off.

What a strange argument to make. Everyone knows you cannot schedule in when you are going to be sick (physically or mentally). It happens when it happens. Besides a FT working adult works approx 220 days and has close to 140 off (usual 30 days holiday plus 10 bank holidays)...so should we also expect adults to never be sick on a work day and never get stressed?

Not read your post, only the headline. So just on that I'd say yabu... Otherwise we'd be stuck in snowdrifts...

Yanbu, I allow my dd two mental health days per year, she suffers from anxiety and rather than feel she has to pretend to be ill she can be honest and say what’s really troubling her. I’m a firm believer that we really should take care of our own mental health and our children’s.

You did the right thing, OP.

I had a tough home life and a nervous stomach and needed quite a few days off school every year. I still had great exam results and entered a top uni.

Can you do something you and DS enjoy together and gently encourage him to talk to you about how he is feeling about his father and the court-ordered custody? That situation is worrying.

Personally I think where he's going back and forth due to the circumstances I believe that you should keep school consistent as school is a stable structure. He needs stability so I'd say YABU but if he was physically/generally unwell then of course it was ok to keep him off.

Hope that makes sense because I'm exhausted!

I think that Children's mental health should be taken as seriously as adult's mental health and that there should be more recognition that not all children can cope with the pressure of school all of the time but I am not keen on the use of 'mental health days', in the sense of a pass from school when things are tough. If a child is too ill to be at school for mental health reasons then, of course, they should not go and their parent's should not be penalised for making that choice.

Hugs to your son though as things have been tough and in the grand scheme of things a day off won't hurt him.

Imagine “allowing” your child two mental health days a year, to be taken at a time of their choosing. That’s just bizarre.

Yeah, I allow unlimited mental health days. To limit it to 2 per year is pretending there is control where there isn’t.

I absolutely think you did the right thing. You are listening to your chold and being responsive to their needs. You can't change his wanky Dad but you can, and did, show your child that they are loved and cared for.

I would, however, say that I disagree with the idea of children in general taking mental health days. Sometimes school can be really helpful in providing a break from chaotic or difficult home situations. As with most things, children's mental health requires a flexible and thoughtful approach which you absolutely nailed!

I so wish I hadn’t used the term mental health day as it appears to have derailed the thread 😂🤦🏻‍♀️

I’ve never allowed him to have a day off willy nilly before, and I’ve never kept him from his dads when he is supposed to be there, if it was my younger child and she said she didn’t want to go, I wouldn’t be surprised as she’s much more open with her feelings, much more likely to just say she wants to be with whoever she is with at the time and I know I can say “oh yes darling but it’s your time with daddy etc” and she would go, this one, shocked me to the core. He’s an introvert by nature, keeps himself to himself and has NEVER said he didn’t want to go before. To say it was bad enough but to get in the state he was....it was horrible. The poor kids are suffering immensely through this, I’ve actually brought the whole thing back to court because of the fact that he is making them feel this way, but I feel I’m being tarred with the same brush despite the whole point being that I’m trying f to stop this and allow my kids to be kids. Urgh 😞

Plan - as a freelancer i have never taken a mental health day

Yes, OP, seeing the term "mental health days" and school absences whips many Mumsnetters into a reactionary froth. School absences in particular seem to blind them to the real issues in the post or worse, they do not read the post and proudly proclaim how their children never miss school even if they are on their deathbeds. Tiresome, predictable, wilfully ignorant, judgmental and unhelpful to the OP.

Really wishing you and your son the best with this really difficult and distressing situation. I hope you can get things sorted in your son's favour.

Vulpine
“i have never taken a mental health day”

Well aren’t you the lucky one. You do realise that saying that is the same as saying “I have never broken a bone” you’re not superior for never needing a mental health day.

To be fair, the term covers all sorts on here. I’ve seen threads where posters randomly allow their kids a day off (when they feel like some downtime) and claim it’s a “mental health” day as regular time out actually preserves your mental health.
A sort of pre empt, if you like, for a child who has currently no issues whatsoever. That is pure nonsense.
Hence the froth at the mere mention...

The thing is, if we’re going to be pedantic, I actually said should children require them if adults do....therefore, not actually asking if they should be allowed full stop or not..

Other than that, my past was fairly sensitive to me, the poster who outright said they didn’t even bother to read it? Thanks for that, hope it’s nice up there on your high horse, everybody else who hasn’t actually bothered to take notice of the issues at hand, thanks too, I thought this forum was generally used for advice.

Those that have taken the time out to sympathise with me, I’m eternally grateful, and thank you for the well wishes. In some form or another, these issues are effecting my entire family of 6, 4 children included, I hope for all of our sakes that cafcass pull their fingers out and actually listen to what my children want and consider what they need