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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are they being CF or are we?

59 replies

being40 · 06/02/2020 14:03

Okay last weekend we went to see SIL her DH and their three children. Two hour drive to their pub.
They have had the pub 18 months. As background SIL's DH's mum told me in an aside she felt I'd was a total vanity project. Said she was annoyed her son and DIL had spent £10k on the tenancy at a time when they had young children because her parents had a pub and she hated it.
So the other weekend DH and I along with our young DH went to see them at their pub. They are - as SIL's MIL predicted - giving up the pub.
My DH is very generous - and we had a meal at their pub and he offered to pay. So we did £100 - our half of the meal.
They never come to ours by the way - citing work and their age of their DH.
Now am IBU by expecting at least some of the meal on the house - the kid's pizzas or something.
My parents had a restaurant and never expected close family to pay. If they insisted my father would charge a minimum amount.
My mum thinks what happened was outrageous especially as we keep inviting them to ours...
My dish was a sludgy vegan burger although the chips were okay. I would have complained if it had not been their pub.

OP posts:
Isithometimeyet0987 · 06/02/2020 15:08

Nope I wouldn’t allow a family member to come to my Performing Arts school for free. Same thing with you they won’t allow you to eat for free. I run a business to make money not hand out freebies to family of friends. It annoys me when people assume because their close to me they don’t have to pay, puts me off having a close relationship with them tbh.

Isithometimeyet0987 · 06/02/2020 15:09

Family or friends

BusterTheBulldog · 06/02/2020 15:09

Blimey, I’d always expect to pay! If you eat in their house that’s different but you’re eating at the pub, my best friend runs a pub and I eat there often, would always pay!

ConfusedPupMama · 06/02/2020 15:10

If it's a Gastro pub type place a meal for 4 could easily come to £100!

TeaForTara · 06/02/2020 15:11

"They never come to ours by the way"
"We've hosted them loads of times"

Make your mind up!

FlamingGalar · 06/02/2020 15:16

I run a business and so many of my friends and family have expected (and have been given) freebies or massive discounts. Frankly it costs me a bloody fortune in time and money and half the time they expect me to travel to them too. Now I’ve set the precedent I don’t feel I can say no, but I do really appreciate the ones that insist on paying. This is their livelihood so I don’t think they were being CF at all.

A few free drinks or a small discount would have been a nice gesture on their part though perhaps.

Winter2020 · 06/02/2020 15:20

When my brother had a pub if we visited (another county) we went to the flat upstairs and were hosted just like an ordinary visit to family. We ate what they chose to provide and were grateful (no bill). If we wanted to sit in the pub and order whatever we wanted and be waited on I would expect to pay. We would go for a drink in the bar and accept a coke but if I wanted to spend time drinking alcohol I would expect to pay and to buy my brother and his partner a drink.

KarmaStar · 06/02/2020 15:21

Are they giving up the pub because they are struggling?perhaps they are very short of cash.
Not knowing them it's hard to decide.,you may have ordered expecting a discount but unless they clearly told you so before you ordered Yabu to expect it.same with anyone running their own business in the family ,they can't give entire families free stuff or services,the economy is tight.
Also confused about the remarks you made about hosting them a lot(which is a different thing entirely anyway) then saying they always find excuses not to accept your invitations.

Frenchw1fe · 06/02/2020 15:22

I had a friend whose dh ran a pub. Sometimes she would bring out a large bowl of chips for us to share which I appreciated. I never looked for or expected freebies. I would sooner help my friends and family by supporting their business than taking.

jessycake · 06/02/2020 15:47

Many tenanted pubs are not very viable , so it's possibly not an option to not pay , the staff and overheads all have to be paid . If its not a great foodie place or a very popular local they are probably struggling .

Disfordarkchocolate · 06/02/2020 15:57

A business should be a business, even to family. The same discount as you'd give staff would be the most I would give. Your husband should give away his products either.

SmileyClare · 06/02/2020 15:57

I sense that you can't stand your sister in law, you resent driving to visit them, you were determined to pour scorn on their venture and that making a wild guess I'd say this probably coloured your view of the meal.

At least you had something to gossip with your mum about the next day Grin

Bahhhhhumbug · 06/02/2020 15:58

Who's 'our young DH?' and they don't visit citing age of DH? What does DH mean to you ?

74NewStreet · 06/02/2020 15:59

How could the bill have possibly come to £100 for a couple of kid’s pizzas and a veggie burger? Were your lowering the booze as well?

Formermousemat · 06/02/2020 16:00

I understand there is a balance to be struck when you run your own business, and why you need to stop CF family members taking advantage.

In this case however I do think they were being a bit mean. It's not like you are local and just dropped in to eat at the restaurant on the spur of the moment. Or like you've done it loads of times and are costing them a fortune.

It was a family visit and I imagine you didn't have the option to visit them anywhere else other then the pub if it is their residence as well. I wouldn't charge family for a meal I gave them in my home, especially not after a two hour drive.

Given the exceptional circumstances I think YANBU.

Dilbertian · 06/02/2020 16:08

My sister and BIL have a luxury countryside B&B. We cannot visit them whenever we want, only when they offer dates that are convenient for them. But when we are there they do not accept a single penny from us, even though our bedding and towels go to their commercial service and we are eating food they bought and cooked. And, of course, they cannot let out the rooms while we are there (but that's why they choose the dates). If we go out to a restaurant, dh and I always offer to pay. Sometimes they accept, sometimes they prefer to go halves.

TwoPointFourKidsAndADog · 06/02/2020 16:10

If you aren't happy paying for the meal, either don't have the meal or don't offer to pay for it. I think if someone both has a meal and then offered to pay full price, they really have no grounds for complaint.

Ideally, you should have established whether you would have to pay. If you don't like their food (the only way to know this is to try it, which you've done now and don't need to ever do again!) would be to politely decline any offer and say that you don't want to be a burden and you'd already made plans to eat elsewhere tonight.

If they're keen to see you, then presumably they'll travel. If they're not keen to see you and aren't prepared to travel then you need to decide whether you want to see them enough. Maybe you could do what I do with friends an hour away and meet them somewhere in the middle?

Jux · 06/02/2020 16:12

When dh and I were first married, he took me to meet an uncle and aunt of his who owned a pub and who had expressed a desire to meet me (but who couldn't make the wedding). So we drove for 2 hours to their lovely pub. There was much celebration when we arrived - "we MUST have a toast to you both", so we were each served a double of the spirit of our choice. The toast was made, we tooks a sip and as our glasses were lowered the words "that'll be £10.73" echoed around the bar and we saw that dh's uncle had one hand out and the other on the till.

When we had finished that one drink, we left.

SmileyClare · 06/02/2020 16:20

My dh is very generous- we had a meal at their pub and he offered to pay

Just a couple of points;

  1. It's not very generous to offer to pay for your meal it's normal.
  2. If Dh insisted on paying in an "I insist/ it's the least we can do" way then you can't complain bitterly about it afterwards. That's the opposite of being generous.
RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 06/02/2020 16:28

Honestly think you're the CF here. Its not generous to offer to pay for your own meal, and Im not clear on why if your DH offered to pay for the full meal he only paid for your half.

Thinkingabout1t · 06/02/2020 16:32

£100 for a family meal in a pub sounds extortionate - how many kids have you got?!

GabsAlot · 07/02/2020 00:14

it does sound alot what did u have kobe beef

NotAPan · 07/02/2020 00:19

The CF in this scenario is the woman who thinks that they shouldn't have to pay for because they're family Hmm

Waveysnail · 07/02/2020 00:31

Perfectly reasonable if you ate in the pub then you pay.

StoppinBy · 07/02/2020 01:14

I don't understand the responses.

I am firmly of the belief that when going out you pay for what you ordered and not expect others to pay for you BUT

I see all the time people commenting that the hosts should pay... why is that different here? Presumably they invited you and expected you to eat there? I would have thought they would have given you a discount or charged close to cost price but not full price.

That being said I might have raised and eyebrow in my mind (not shown it on my face) and never gone back but I wouldn't have gotten upset about it.

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