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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD. DD17 threatening to quit

22 replies

Serehawk · 06/02/2020 02:55

Just had a long arguement with DD17. She called from work (on a break) asking if after school tomorrow if she could go clothes shopping for an upcoming school trip.

I told her no. My reasoning was that she has archery practice after school from 3.45 to 4.45 and then the school play (this is second practice so she doesnt know part well yet) from 7 to 9.

I told her she has commitments she has made so cant not go shopping. I suggested she go Saturday afternoon as I know she doesnt have school or work commitments.

Her response was No. I'm going to hang out with my boyfriend. I cant go shopping.

We have a very long argument where I was accused of not caring and always saying no. Fine she can say that.

When I would not relent she started threatening to quit the play and drop out of school. Told me that she is moving out as soon as she is legal. She doesnt want to be here because she will have to raise the baby (I'm 8 weeks pregnant). That I'm a sh**t parent and never do anything for her. I will never see her again. She kept telling me that I will be bad to new baby.

I finally got so upset I just told her I would see her after work and hung up the phone.

I'm not sure what to do. I know that she is 17 I dont have a lot of control, but I also think I should hold her to her commitments that she has made.

Fyi, I am in the US where legal age to move out is 18. She is 4 months from graduating from school.

Any thought on how to handle this?

OP posts:

Leaannb · 06/02/2020 03:05

Why does she think she has to take care of the baby. BTW I’m in the US also

Dyrne · 06/02/2020 03:06

I think if she’s working, doing a sport and in the school play I can see how she’s feeling a bit overwhelmed and wondering how she can do all that plus study and socialise with her friends/boyfriend. Let her quit the play - it’s early days so they can replace her and she won’t be letting anyone down.

It sounds like she is struggling with feelings of replacement with a new baby on the way? It must be very weird at 17 to have a new sibling coming. Is it a half sibling? That could increase the feelings of abandonment. Have you sat down and had a proper discussion about it and how she feels? I’d definitely set a time aside when you’re not already wound up to calmly talk through her feelings.

Does she get much 1:1 time with you in general?

MaderiaCycle · 06/02/2020 03:12

Couldn’t she go between 4:45 and 7?

Baileyscheesecake · 06/02/2020 03:17

Pick your battles! Is it a big deal if she hangs out with boyfriend on Saturday afternoon instead of going shopping? Can she miss archery practise to go shopping but be back in time for play rehearsal. Having brought up a head strong daughter and also been one myself I can tell you she is testing boundaries. Be firm but fair. Listen to her and make compromises where possible but don’t be a push over. Easier said than done I know! Ignore her comments about the new baby and your parenting skills - she is just ranting - don’t rise to her bait or take it personally. Just let it go over your head and don’t react - if she doesn’t get the desired effect ie you getting upset, she’ll soon tire of winding you up. Stay strong and tell her dropping out of school will hurt her future and that’s why it’s not an option. Tell her you want the best for her. Let her know you care about her. She’s maybe feeling insecure about arrival of new baby. Find ways to show her you love her and praise her. Good luck

Original poster

Serehawk · 06/02/2020 03:18

@Leaannb I dont know why she thinks she would have to take care of the baby. She has had plans to move in with her boyfriend after she graduates and turns 18 in May. She has been talking about that since October of last year. So she most likely wont even be loving here when baby is born.

She might think this because I had her when Ibwas young and my parents helped raise her till she was 10.

@Dyrne I never thought that she might feel like she is being replaced. That is something I do need to think more about. Yes this new child will be her half sibling.

I wish there was a time we could set down and talk, but DD has a habit of when she has no commitments she is either at her boyfriend's or has a bunch of friends over.

When I do ask her to do things it always seems to be that she isnt interested in it. Doesn't want to do it or doesnt like what I want to do. She never suggests doing anything. So I am at a loss on how to get 1:1 time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Serehawk · 06/02/2020 03:19

@MaderiaCycle. Where she wants to go shopping is an hour drive from where we live. She would not have time to get there and back. If it was closer there would not be an issue

OP posts:

00100001 · 06/02/2020 03:43

She’s 17, why are you so involved in her free time?

Is she expecting you to take her shopping?

GrumpyHoonMain · 06/02/2020 03:51

When you say your parents help raise her til she was 10, how involved were they? Also how has your relationship changed since you got pregnant? Perhaps she feels like you are prioritizing the baby / men over her and that moving out will make no difference to you. In fact you seem quite accepting of her working when it’s fairly unusual for a 17 yo to be working while studying in the States. Are you not going to be supporting her to go to university / college?

Coyoacan · 06/02/2020 03:54

First I want to clarify that I was pretty much a disaster as the mother of a teenager, though we survived and she is still alive and well without any unhealthy habits.

But secondly, shouldn't she be able to decide on her own responsabilities now that she is so close to becoming an adult and leaving home?

I agree with the principle that if you agrees to do something, she should see it through, but having taught her that principle isn't better at this stage to leave it up to her to apply it?

She seems to have a lot on her plate with school, a job, archery and a play. But in three months time you won't be there keeping her diary for her and she will probably go a bit wild with the freedom of it all.

Leaannb · 06/02/2020 03:56

@Serehawk I have huge age differences between my children from the ages of 24 to 4. They are all full blooded but we did have a rough patch with the oldest because he thought we were replacing him with our daughter because he joined the military. I would try and spend a little one on one time with her. Offer her a compromise.Let her skip archery and play practice if she would go shopping with you. Spend that time talking with her about her. No talk of the new baby or new family. Just her,her boyfriend and her friends. ABSOLUTELY nothing about the baby. I would even sign her out early and do lunch, mani,pedis and lunch etc.

Original poster

Serehawk · 06/02/2020 04:03

When I say my parents helped raise her till she was 10 we lived with them till then and for part of that time I worked away from home so she stayed with them.

Not much has changed with my relationship with her since getting pregnant. We have always had an argumentative relationship.

When asking about accepting her working, where we live most teenagers have a job from 16on. It is quite common to work while going to school.

DD does not want to go to college right away. That is her choice. I hope she will decide to go but am not going to push it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Serehawk · 06/02/2020 04:11

@Leaanb I wish I could do that tomorrow, but I have a long standing doctor appointment that I cant miss. But we did talk and on Friday we are going to spend time before she goes to work and after school playing a game she loves.

After answering your pp she called and we had a quick talk while she was on break. She did say flat out she doesnt like how much I talk about the baby.

So it was decided after school friday (I cant sign out early as I work for school as we and cant leave early 2 days in a row) till she goes to work we will be playing the game. More she will be teaching me to play and I will probably fail miserably. Lol she does like to laugh at me when I fail at games.

OP posts:

Leaannb · 06/02/2020 04:22

@Serehawk I have to ask which game? All 3 of my boys laugh hysterically at me when I lose at Fortnite. Do you have any idea how demoralizing it is to be laughed at from someone 3000 miles away

StillCoughingandLaughing · 06/02/2020 04:23

I think you need to pull back a bit. You don’t want her to leave school out of sheer stubbornness.

You’re happy for her to work; you seem to have accepted that she’s moving out when she hits 18. Yet she’s still asking if she can go shopping. Maybe she’s pushing back because she feels a bit caught between childhood and adulthood.

Original poster

Serehawk · 06/02/2020 04:32

@Leaannb some switch game that is like geometry dash. Shapes and notes or something like that. Lol

@Stillcoughing I have nothing against her shopping. It was the fact she had just made a commitment and wanted to skip it to go shopping when she has other times she can go shopping without skipping something she has committed too.

OP posts:

Shev1996 · 06/02/2020 04:37

Is this a joke? She’s responsible enough to work but you force her to do archery and acting when she doesn’t want to? Let her decide what she wants to do or you’ll push her out of your life completely

Shev1996 · 06/02/2020 04:40

Although after reading all your many previous posts op you do seem unreasonable a lot

UnexpectedItemInTheShaggingAre · 06/02/2020 04:46

Glad you’re factoring in time to have fun together, school, work, new baby siblings and extra curricular can be a lot of stress for a teen

00100001 · 06/02/2020 09:34

I don't understand why you are treating her like she's 12.... :/

She's 17! Why do you need to manage her time and commitments for her?

cologne4711 · 06/02/2020 09:38

I dont know why she thinks she would have to take care of the baby

Well I'm an only child but I thought older siblings usually had to help with younger ones whether that is fair or not. I can see why she thinks her style is going to be cramped.

That said I can't really see why she can't do a bit of shopping AND hang out with her boyfriend on Saturday afternoon/evening.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/02/2020 09:41

i would have thought graduating from school with good grades was the most important. Perhaps she needs to drop archery and the play. Have a chat with her. She seems highly motivated but that schedule is really full on. Most teens are doing far less than her. I’m also wondering if you had her young - hence why you are pregnant again and she is looking at parallels between her life and yours.

Soontobe60 · 06/02/2020 09:46

She’s not the boss of you!
I’m assuming she wants you to take her shopping so you can pay!
She’s using emotional blackmail here. Just tell her you are not taking her shopping and she can go with her BF on Saturday if she absolutely needs something for the trip.

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