Can a separation be amicable?

[SolgalleoRules]

DH and I together for 20 years (since age 18 so we're still young in my eyes!).

We've had difficulties for a few years. Probably since having kids (now 8 & 6). Eldest has autism and has had a very turbulent time since starting school. Multiple exclusions and now on 3rd school. Doing well but not stress free.

DH has had quite bad depression which cycles. Coming out a particularly bad phase. He's moved out. Ostensibly to give him time to focus on himself.

But tonight we've had 'the chat'. Nobody else on the scene. But we wonder if we've come to the end of the road. We love each other and are the best of friends.

My AIBU is to wonder if its possible to separate but still be friends and Co-parent effectively. Our happiness is important but we would always prioritise our kids.

Bit of a garbled post as shell shocked and tired so happy to answer Qs if needed

In your case, potentially and hopefully could be.
I think it's much harder if there's betrayal of any kind - infidelity, or abuse, or if one party does not want it (even if they say that they accept it).

I think in some ways it’s sadder when there isn’t a X marks the spot reason, but as long as you’re on the same page then of course it can be amicable.

I think people often do manage to stay amicable and co-parent. But in your case I wonder if you need to adjust your expectations

DH has had quite bad depression which cycles. Coming out a particularly bad phase. He's moved out. Ostensibly to give him time to focus on himself.

If your dh has moved out to focus on himself when you have a fairly challenging elder child then I think this may signal to you the level of co-parenting and support you will get in the future.

If it is over, then it is over. But you should be aware of how much you may end up responsible for before you do a happy/clappy 50/50 divorce and then you end up primary and almost sole carer for 2 children while dh flits in and out - if it is because of a serious illness like depression, it isn't that I"d blame him. But more that you may need to make sure you have stuff in place for you and your two dependent children to do well.

Though yes, exactly what @pallisers said.

pallisers you make a good point. He's never moved out before. I think it was a last chance saloon type thing.

Even at his lowest ebb he's managed to do what's needed for the kids. He's always managed to prioritise them above his own needs. So I genuinely think he would be there for us.

user1473878824 I get what you mean. It feels so terribly sad that there's no 'event' to precipitate this. It's not like one of us has another man/woman. It's not even like we've fallen out of love. We just seem to have friend zoned each other and the day to day living together is too much for friends.

My ds and his ex have an excellent coparenting relationship. They weren't a couple as long as you, got together as teenagers and split early twenties when their ds was about two. Like you, no-one was unfaithful, it just didn't work. Dgs is eleven this year, although there were a few fallings-out in the early days everything now runs smoothly and supportively. (I'm very proud of them all.)

My separation was amicable until he took legal advice before divorce then he reverted to the manchild I was divorcing him for being. His income - 4 x mine so he was chasing me for his share of a pension with my new employer I had been with for four weeks.

Yes, it's probably easier when there's no property/assets involved.

Shameless bump - head’s in a mess and would appreciate advice

In terms of assets we have a joint mortgage, own two cars outright and both have pensions. His will be slightly bigger as I work fewer hours. Have a small pot of savings from extra shifts.

Hand on heart I don’t think he’d be petty about money

He’s never been abusive (physically, verbally or controlling) in my eyes