To be wary and unsure how to handle dd dad returning

[LongWalkShortPlank]

My daughter's father has always been a lot of trouble. When we were together he was no help and when she turned 2 I ended the relationship. We tried 50/50 but he was being neglectful when she was in his care, not bathing or feeding her, not brushing her teeth or giving her her inhaler, very dirty house etc. It had a huge impact on her and she was always upset about going. We went to court and have a court order in place that says he can see her every other weekend, Friday-Sunday. He was not allowed weekdays as he had not taken dd's need to go to school seriously. Unfortunately nothing changed and dd was uneasy all the time, she had become hyper sensitive and upset easily. She hated going because all he did the whole time was play video games, she was ignored, hungry and the place was disgusting, her words.

It came to a head when she came home in floods of tears one day because she stank, and she knew she stank. He stinks and his whole house stinks. I can't imagine he showers often. He refused to engage with me about it so I ended up having to go to his house to talk to him face to face. We mutually agreed then that he would still see dd but not overnight, he said he couldn't handle it, she didn't want to go, and it wasn't a suitable environment for her.

He lost his job, his girlfriend moved back to her own country 2 months after moving in and he hasn't paid child maintenance in almost a year. He then fell out touch with us completely in December, did not bother to contact dd at all for Christmas but updated his job on Facebook a few days ago and has just sent a message today asking to see her at a cafe either this week or next his "treat".

I don't even know what to say. He hasn't been a parent for a long time. It was always an act with him in front of people and some of the random lies he's told over the years we're practically pathological (saying an aunt had cancer to play a midnight launch video game).

He isn't a good person. He won't take proper care of her and while wanting to see her, has made no mention of why he thought it was okay to just drop out of her life or wanting to contribute maintenance. But it's her father. What would you say? How do I answer in a way what is best for her without causing a whole new set of issues?

How old is dd? A couple of months is more of a big deal for a younger child I guess. At least he is recognising the overnights did not work for dd.

Dd is 6. We did agree mutually but that was after being given a lot of run around to the point where I literally couldn't leave it any longer for her sake. I think dropping out of your child's life for a couple of months is a big deal however old the child, surely? You can't just not be a parent because you don't feel like it.

My ex walked out when dd was 2. Tried to get back into her life at 7. Told him I would discuss him with her as an adult. He wasn't messing her around - as the responsible, reliable, constant dp I got to decide. He was no better a df when she got in touch at 21. She dumped him recently....
He was crap and made zero effort..
Yanbu to ignore him.

I'm sorry, I was in a similar situation with my own father and it's tough. It sounds like you did the right thing for her by drawing that line. I just don't want it to spiral into something big, he is awful to deal with usually and I find some of his behaviour a bit intimidating, he once shouted at me outside an aldi over a birthday party! I've talked to dd about it, in as much as a child can understand, and she would go, but only if I'm there. I just don't know what to do or say. It feels like there's no good option.

Can you offer to come with her, and sit in a corner?

I would just tell him to fuck off. He brings nothing good to her life.

He doesn't sound like he can look after himself never mind a child.
I'd collect the evidence that you can, screenshots etc and let him take you to court.
Tell dd that you and dad broke up so you don't see him anymore. He should still be in dd life but he's not doing a great job of being a dad at the moment. He should feed you, play and keep you clean and safe. So when he's doing better he'll get back in touch and we'll see what happens.

There's some good advice here and i appreciate it all. Feeling a bit down tonight. I wish it was all easier.

I wouldn’t agree to it. She’s still very little. Maybe in a few years when she’s old enough to decide, if she wants to that is.

Thank you, I'm going to sit down today and write a message in reply I think.

Can you suggest something along the lines that he needs to be a constant parent. If he wants that he has to build up her trust ie monthly/weekly telephone calls, if he can prove reliability and constant with that he can meet her for tea, weekly/monthly whatever you decide. If he can prove that he can build a relationship with her, have her overnight etc.

If he fails with the calls you know he'd never have kept up with the visits.

Maybe ask her is she wants to see her dad for an ice cream. That you are coming too and see what she says. If it’s a no then she had spoken. If it’s yes then meet him together and if after 10 minutes perhaps nip to the toilet and go to another table for half an hour. See how things go. If it works out maybe do the same again in a couple of weeks. If it doesn’t never repeat. At least you can say to him and your daughter you tried 1 last time.

I'd try to facilitate the contact. A cafe is a good option, I agree he shouldn't be allowed to take her home or have any full time care but you could drop her and sit in another across the road or do some shopping on the same street. Going forward that's the only sort of contact I'd allow and only if he can keep it up regularly unless he proves he's turned around. Remember it's usually in a child's best interest to have some sort of contact and for you to show you've tried to facilitate it