I'm constantly feeling 'touched out'

[PlantShelfie]

Inspired by a current thread in AIBU regarding whether certain habits would put you off of having sex -

This has been on my mind a lot lately, so after seeing the comments/advice on the other thread, I figured I’d open up about my situation and gauge the reaction to see whether it’s myself or DH who is in the wrong, or maybe a bit of both of us!

We’ve had 3 DC’s in under 4 years, youngest dc is a breastfed baby. Since plummeting in to family life in a very full on manner, rarely getting any decent sleep, constantly having toddlers clambering over me or bfing a baby, my libido has severely taken a hit.
I’m almost never in the mood for sex - perhaps it’s a hormonal thing due to the breastfeeding - but I mostly put it down to the fact that I rarely get even one hour per day where someone isn’t touching me. So, come the evenings/weekends, the absolute last thing on my mind is to have sex or generally be intimate with DH, as frankly, I really just need my personal space and the thought of having yet another person all over me after I’ve spent 12 solid hours being a climbing frame fills me with dread.

DH has never outright said that he misses us having frequent sex, or that we should be having more of it (I think the last time we DTD was probably close to two months ago!), he’s never overtly put pressure on me, however, my issue is this -

Of a weekend in particular, I can’t make a cup of coffee, walk to the bathroom, empty the washing machine, wash up, tidy the bedroom etc etc, without DH following after me going ‘oooh where’s she going? Let’s get her!’ then either coming up behind me and grabbing my arse, or grabbing my tits, kissing all over my neck, ‘jokingly’ asking me to touch him. Honestly, some weekends it’s so constant - borderline any time I leave the room - I feel myself filling with rage as like I said, I never get the time to be just ‘me’, in my own body without either feeding a tiny human or my body being a source of entertainment for two toddlers. I’d like to be able to carry out mundane tasks in the kitchen without being groped and pestered.

While I can sympathise with DH that having very little sex can’t be easy and must be frustrating for him to some degree, AIBU to think he really needs to take a step back and look at the whole picture? That I’m not just ignoring him or withholding sex because I’m feeling mean, and that actually it’s because I’m SO touched out and honestly, that I don’t find being groped at inconvenient moments that much of a turn on?

Last weekend, DH was doing his usual ‘let’s touch her up while she tries to make the DC’s lunch’ spiel, in the end I lost it and turned around and said something along the lines of ‘I’m not going to have sex with you in the kitchen. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe a bit of wooing and romancing would get you further than just grabbing at me!? You know, maybe make a nice dinner or pop a romcom on one evening, make some effort? I can't just instantly become horny because you've touched my tit!!' to which he responded ‘I know! I don’t want sex in the kitchen either, I’m just doing it because I know it winds you up’ - he proceeded to jokingly chuckle before heading back to the lounge.

Who’s BU here? Am I wrong/mean for not even attempting to try and have a ‘healthy’ sex life? Do I need to accept it's all just a joke and learn to not be so uptight? Should I be flattered by the groping? Just put up with it? I don’t know how to feel about all of this.

One on hand, I feel like I’m well within my rights to not want to be groped after a week of being at home with three young DC’s, and it's almost always whilst I’m trying to do housework, but on the other hand, I find myself feeling sorry for DH who I know misses our intimacy and is just trying to be playful and fun, but it just isn’t well received right now! Like I say, he’s never forceful or pushy, it is all done in a jokey/banter type way, but I don’t know, I’m just so over it at the moment and find myself tensing up when he comes near me because I know he’s about to interrupt my 3 minutes of not having a human touching me.

You said:

DH has never outright said that he misses us having frequent sex, or that we should be having more of it (I think the last time we DTD was probably close to two months ago!), he’s never overtly put pressure on me

And yet you then go on to describe some of the most pressurising and pestering behaviour you can experience.

Just because he's "lighthearted and jokey" about it, doesn't mean it's not pressure. It is pressure. And if I was you experiencing this, I might feel less inclined for anything at all, because I'm basically being fawned at and being told "are you ready for sex?"

It's not the right approach at all, but he will need to be told properly by you how you feel.

Try and sit down on the sofa sometime, get five mins away from everything, and perhaps explain to him that you still desire him, but your time is crammed with the realities of a family, and you need him to give you some space so you can come to him etc.

Aaaah that would drive me mad ! Do you have any time together when the dc are in bed for a proper chat ? Does he initiate sex in a romantic way in bed or do you just flake out ?

Disgusting behaviour from your DH. I've been there and my DH was similar. It's sexual abuse and it is not acceptable.

The libido is almost a separate issue, although, it's obvious you wouldn't want to have sex with someone that abuses you. Loss of libido is very common when you have DCs on you all the time, you don't get enough sleep and can't have anytime to yourself! It's perfectly understandable and anyone would feel the same way, so don't berate yourself. It will return.

What you do about your H, I don't really know. Mine mostly get the message eventually.

Have you actually talked to him about it - not just the 'don't grope me!' bit but the feeling like you never get your body for yourself? I remember that feeling very well, and I only had two DCs much more spaced out than yours.

Maybe point out that winding you up is not likely to result in sex any time soon, and in fact every time he does it he reduces the chances; a better tactic (even better than anything romantic) would be to take care of all three children for a few hours at a time, a couple of days a week, so that you get some time just to be you, not mum/sex-object.

I would be screaming 'don't touch me' every time he did it by your stage, quite frankly.

”‘I know! I don’t want sex in the kitchen either, I’m just doing it because I know it winds you up’ - he proceeded to jokingly chuckle before heading back to the lounge.”

This would have me in tears of rage and frustration. It’s so disrespectful and horrible to constantly do something to deliberately wind up someone else. Do you think he’s ever put himself in your shoes and thought about how this makes you feel?

This was me last year OP. I only had two DC but they were a little over a year apart and I was so overwhelmed, tired and touched out I never wanted sex. As soon as the DC went to bed I literally wanted to sit on my own in peace. But then even the bloody dog would clamber on to my lap.

DH pestered me in exactly the same way as yours is. Followed me around etc. it gave me the utter rage. I found myself avoiding bending over to empty the dishwasher one day and that's when I snapped. No you shouldn't have to put up with this. It's literally harassment. You need to tell him (you shouldn't have to but there you go) tell him he's harrassing you, tell him you're in a crazy stage with the DC right now but things will eventually get easier and you will get your sex life back on track but for now he needs to respect your space.

For me things turned around when my youngest turned two and finally started sleeping through the night. My libido returned and we have regular(ish) sex now, but he needs to be clear that your sex life will never get back on track if continues to maul you like a piece of meat.

God yes I know how you feel! I also have 3 children and I said the other day I feel like everyone wants a piece of me all the time and even when they are finally asleep DH wants a piece of me! When you are over tired and harassed by kids all day, the last thing you want is to be groped when you are emptying the dishwasher etc.

In the end we had to have this talk too with me saying look I appreciate you are feeling neglected etc BUT I am harassed and run ragged by the kids all day and then you start pestering me too, it doesn't make me turned on and think yea let's have sex right now, it frustrates me and makes me want to scream! I told him he'd be far more likely to get regular sex again if he helped out in the evenings or gave me a break so I can have a relaxing bath or shower to myself without kids coming in etc so I actually feel nice. My DH was also feeling like the intimacy was gone and he was trying to get that back - albeit in a non sexy annoying way!! He has got better at taking turns to put the youngest to bed or entertaining the older ones, he often cooks dinner on a Saturday and then I have a nice long bath after and being relaxed and having a break makes a huge difference and we are now back to having regular sex... occasionally he still grabs my arse in the kitchen - apparently he can't help it... but it doesn't bother me anymore as it's not in a pestering way and I now do the same to him!

Hi OP,

Just wanted to say I know how you feel and many of us who have little ones have been in this position.

I only have one DD but I have had multiple moments where I could scream from the lack of personal space. If it's not your LOs holding onto you, breastfeeding, following you everywhere including when you go to the bathroom, it's having a semi-neglected DH constantly wanting hugs etc, and it can feel overwhelming. I've had to tell my DH to give me space - not because he was pressuring me for sex - but because I felt like I couldn't breathe from lack of personal space.

I am someone who likes my own space, but I think most of us need it too. Your DH needs to back off, and I would recommend telling him in no uncertain terms that he needs to stop pestering you. Yes he may be missing sex, but tough; priorities change when you have LOs, he needs to respect how you feel and be patient.

Hope things get better soon xx

Pumpkin - we don't really get any proper time together no. Due to how close in age our DC's are, we're pretty much constantly dealing with them. The eldest two are only 2 and 3 and still wake through the night, baby is almost always cluster feeding so we never get the opportunity to sit and just be a couple together. Family will occasionally take DC 1 and 2 off of our hands for an afternoon once a month, but obviously we still have the baby with us who is an infrequent napper/Velcro attached to me, so our alone time is essentially non existent.

DH actually crashes out long before I do - he can be asleep in 30 seconds flat, I on the other hand, can take up to an hour most nights.

He can be romantic. On our anniversary about three months ago, he bought a load of candles, got me a long stem white rose with pretty packaging (can't think of a word other than packaging!?), ordered dinner in, we sat and watched a bunch of soppy movies together - a huge rarity as he hates romcoms! - but it still didn't lead to sex as DC3 was only 2 months old at the time, so I spent a lot of that time feeding/settling the baby.

Apart from my little outburst at the weekend, I haven't properly sat him down and told him how his behaviour makes me feel. I guess I just assumed that I shouldn't need to, that on some level, he must understand how worn out I am and that being groped isn't something I look forward to of a weekend! I think I'll see how he his this weekend - I'm hoping my comment last weekend might've resonated, but if it hasn't, I think I'll need to say something in plainer terms so that he gets it.

You need a conversation with him. Be honest. Give him chance to process and respond.

Gosh you have got your hands full you must be constantly shattered. I find that men are crap at picking up on hints they actually need telling something directly, bit like a child! So yes see how he is this weekend if he is still driving you mad it's time to be told in very direct terms. Things could be completely different in 6 months time with any luck all the dc will sleep through and you will get time alone and time together.

I’ve never understood the “I’m just winding you up” excuse- what fun is there to be had in deliberately pissing someone off?

You should talk to him, tell him what you wrote here. He doesn't understand, he's not in your shoes

I’m totally with you on this. I have DS 5 and 2. I’m a SAHM and have been since the first was born. Kids are very Mama mad. They follow me everywhere and I pretty much get no personal time or space. DH says he accepts the lack of sex but I don’t think he does. He also is always stopping me for a hug or a kiss and sometimes a grope. It does my head in. He takes it as a rejection rather than me just being annoyed with another person who won’t allow me to do what I want/ need to do. Hoping it gets better once both kids are at school and I can breathe again!

Yeah, the remark about doing it to wind me up really got my back up. I'd actually have preferred it if he'd come out and said 'sorry, I'm just messing about but would love to have a bit of intimacy and fun back between us because it's been a while!' as opposed to 'I know this is winding you up and that's why I'm doing it'

I think it is half and half with him though really, he does do it as a 'joke' albeit not a funny one, but I also know that if I turned around and was like 'ok let's do it' he'd be 1000% game and raring to go. He's trying to have fun, mess around but also get some. And I do feel sorry for him because it can't be pleasant trying to basically make a move in a way, but being constantly rejected over and over.

If I manage to tear myself away from the dc long enough to give the home a decent clean of a weekend, leaving DH in the lounge with all three kids for maybe an hour or two, I'll come back to the room once I've finished, to see DH is visibly touched out himself - I often hear him saying 'kids, can you give me 5 minutes please?' - and that's at like, 1pm on a Saturday.. a fraction of the amount of time I spend alone with the DC's, so he has to know what I'm going through, surely!?

I think you need to really spell it out rather than assuming he realises how you feel.

I think there can be a tendency among some men to think that giving birth miraculously turns women into some kind of mystical mother-creature who wants nothing more than to be with her children 24 hours a day and can cope with anything they do, unlike poor men who are not naturally suited to looking after children and can only cope with a couple of hours on a Saturday morning. It genuinely may not occur to him that you are totally overwhelmed, touched out and need space.

The reality for many of us is of course that we do not feel magically fulfilled by being a full-time cook, cleaner, play worker, climbing frame and milk machine, and are definitely not able or willing to switch instantly from mother mode into sex goddess. You need to explain it to him. There are lots of blogs and articles you can google if he thinks you are just trying to fob him off because you don't want sex.

May I recommend an electric fly swatter? It'd work a treat on randy DH and you could claim it's just for fun/to wind him up. That or bromide in his tea.

Horrible behavior and horrible comment.

Sit him down, don't smile, say listen carefully this is serious...

I actually hate it when you grab me when l am doing housework, don't do it again at all..
I hate it when you get all dcs to run after me so you can use it as an excuse to touch me up...stop now...for good.

If you don't take this seriously l will not agree or want sex again ...full stop....

From now on you will take the Dcs for half of every weekend without my help, l will be going out (with baby)..for space.

If you do all this as l have asked then my sex drive will probably recover, if not it won't and our marriage will deteriorate fast...

Don't sugar coat it, it needs to be blunt and direct.

Good luck op, amazed you have put up with it...