AIBU to think he must start sleeping at some point?!

[Heihei]

Gorgeous DS is 6. He’s a smashing little lad. Funny, kind, confident, doing well at school. He’s largely a very happy boy.

He’s never been a sleeper. Horrific colic as a baby, then a very active toddler. We tried pretty much everything but he’d always fight sleep. We took a gentle approach and have never let him CIO. Both me and his dad have managed years of sleepless nights with the mantra ‘this too shall pass.’

But it’s not passing. He had a spell of about 6 months last year when he was great, going to bed with no issues, waking between half 5 and half six, which is great. But lately he’s been struggling again.

I’ve kept to his routine, bed at 7:30. A warm cup of milk and bath, reading then cuddles until he sleeps. But it’s taking over an hour and a half to get him to sleeping stage.

He’s visibly knackered. We have to get up at 6:30 to get ready for school and work. In the morning I have to get him up and ready and he’s so grumpy because he’s so tired. He still wakes up 2/3 times a night for a cuddle, or to talk to me e.g. he’ll shout for me, I go in, he says things like ‘I don’t like rock climbing’or ‘Katie is my best friend.’ I gently remind him that it’s sleepy time but he complains that he’s not tired even though he is!!

He doesn’t sleep in at weekend to catch up, he wakes at 5 then I spend an hour cajoling him to stay in bed.

I’ve tried all sorts. Earlier bed time, later bed time, massage, music, co sleeping (where he takes up 3/4 of the bed and moves around constantly so I can’t sleep then). He just doesn’t sleep. He has blackout curtains, a nightlight, plenty of teddies to cuddle. We make sure he’s active and eats well without too much sugar etc. But he doesn’t sleep. When he wakes in the night, there’s never anything particularly wrong. He’s not evidently anxious about anything, we have a great relationship we talk through any worries or fears. I never leave him to call out and I respond to all his wake ups as gently as possible. But it’s extremely trying.

Me and dad are totally worn out. He’s worn out. We can’t help but wonder when the poor sleeping will end? School helped for a while but it makes no difference now. AIBU to ask for any advice or tips to help ds sleep better? Or is this just a suck it up buttercup situation?

The first thing you must look at is his settling routine at night. After a cuddle and a story he must be able to go to sleep without you in the room. Try the gradual withdrwal/disappearing chair method if he gets distressed. Aim to move a little further each evening. You need to take time and be patient. You dont need a sleep consultant for this. Mant Health Visitors are trained to do this work for free. Once tou have cracked the bedtime, the night wakings will improve and you can address then with a minimum contact/reassurance without lights/ cuddles. Very quick. A Gro Clock or similar will help. If he comes in to you in the night dont speak or tell him off, just gently lead him back to bed. again and again

I'm with PPs that you've accidentally stumbled into reinforcement, OP. Cuddles are nice but they should end before your DS falls asleep. They should be part of the bed time routine and that's all.

I think the glow clock is a great idea. You could also tie it into teaching him the time so plenty of room for positive rewards.

Op my DB&SIL had trouble with getting nephew to go to sleep / stay in bed when he was 4.5
Their reward system was if he went to bed without a fuss and stayed there all night he would get a star in the morning.
If he got 7 stars in a row then DB would take him to the cinema on the saturday morning. It would always be empire juniors so only £1.50 each here.
Cheap for a weeks worth of sleep.
They only did it for a few weeks until he developed good sleep habits.
Now cinema is a treat for good behaviour etc.

The only thing I would do differently to above is I wouldnt tell him to sleep. We tell DS that we want to sleep, so he needs to rest quietly in bed. There is nothing worse than lying in bed knowing you need to sleep, but cant quite drop off, so we only tell him to do stuff he can definitely achieve. Sleep may or may not happen, but he can lie in bed quietly, so he is succeeding in doing what we want.

Good Luck!

I had insomnia as an older child. I remember the sheer boredom of lying awake for hour after hour. I honestly didn't know it wasn't normal to need 2+ hours to go to sleep most nights.

A pet peeve of mine is the nearly-universal assumption that if a child doesn't sleep, it must be for behavioural reasons and you can just train them. If an adult doesn't sleep, we acknowledge that maybe they CAN'T sleep.

So you might look at medical issues, or try the sorts of techniques which are recommended to adult insomniacs.

My older child was very overtired as a young child. Ironically, sleep deprivation makes it harder to get to sleep and stay asleep, so it can be a vicious circle. In desperation I tried changing her diet and discovered a dairy intolerance. Eliminating dairy helped a lot, though she was still more tired than most children.

Maybe ask your doctor about melatonin? Do you have others concerns i.e. possible ADHD? My daughter has always been a terrible sleeper and as she got older other issues arose. She got diagnosed with ADHD when she was 6 and now has melatonin and it has been a game changer for our house.

Stop the milk before bed. Don't let him drink any milk and if possible cut out dairy for a few days and see if it helps. Also give a good quality milk thistle supplement before bed too - not from Amazon but from a reputable shop - at least 150mg. Epsom salts in his bath could help too.

Thanks everyone. We’ve no concerns about any other difficulties such as ADHD etc. I’m interested to see a few people have pointed out the milk could be an issue so I’ll look into that. We do have a gro clock (sorry I should have mentioned that) but we recently took the decision to unplug it because DS was staying awake watching the stars count down then getting frustrated when they didn’t go quick enough! I realise I’ve got into an unhelpful pattern of behaviour with the cuddling, I definitely baby him still. I really appreciate all the advice and suggestions and I’ll look into seeing the GP.

people are going to get nasty with me about this but fuck me i would kill for that

so hes gone by 9 at the latest

i would be happy for midnight /1am,any bloody time really

not getting nasty with you but us and many parents of disabled kids dont sleep at all and function on zero sleep and go around like zombies

boys are 15 and 9 and dont sleep at all and need 24 hour supervision so we adults are up 24/7

both go 4-5 days straight,have a few hours then start again

been living like this since oldest was 4 and half

we cant sleep and leave them to it as they need 24/7 care

we home ed so school dont come in to it