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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Concerned mum

15 replies

ack89 · 04/02/2020 20:03

My DS started at university in October and I'm getting worried about him. At first he used to call almost every day, but recently we haven't been speaking as much and when he was home over christmas he seemed very distant from me and his dad. I'm concerned he's fallen in with the wrong crowd, maybe even taking drugs.

Am I being unreasonable or should I be worried?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/02/2020 20:07

Do you have any reason to think he’s doing drugs? Hopefully he’s settled into student life, enjoying his studies, made friends, embracing independence. I was at uni before mobile phones but I think I’d be more worried about him calling every day and not bedding into his new life. How often is he in touch now?

mbosnz · 04/02/2020 20:12

How are his results? Has he got friends (maybe suggest he brings them home?). How about a girlfriend? How's his personal hygiene, and his appetite?

Original poster

ack89 · 04/02/2020 21:40

When he was home over christmas he didn't spend as much time at home as normal and then when we dropped him back off at Christmas I met some of his flatmates who I think had been smoking marijuana! I'm worried they're influencing him.

Not sure about grades as he's only just started, no mention of a boyfriend (he's gay) but hygeine and appetite seemed okay.

OP posts:

Wubbawubba · 04/02/2020 21:41

Why are you more concerned about drugs than him potentially having a mental health problem?

Wubbawubba · 04/02/2020 21:42

I say this because you've said about him 'falling into the wrong crowd' which implies you don't think he has history of drug use

Winterwoollies · 05/02/2020 09:41

He’s gone off to uni, he’s making friends, he’s drinking, partying, having fun.... he’s bound to become a bit distant. He’s probably feeling all grown up suddenly. It’ll settle down.

Leave him be. Just check in, casually, with a call or text. Don’t be panicky and accuse him of ‘doing drugs’. You’ll probably push him away.

CakeandCustard28 · 05/02/2020 09:47

YABU. It’s part of life. My mum is like you and it’s very annoying she panics if she hasn’t heard from me after a few days, he’s living his life give the kid a break.

norealshepherds · 05/02/2020 09:48

He’s probably just very busy and enjoying his uni time

NomNomNomNom · 05/02/2020 09:51

I wouldn't expect him to call every day beyond the first few weeks when he's settling in. I'd be worried if he seemed withdrawn although my first thought wouldn't be drugs, I'd be worried about his mental health as it's fairly common to suffer from depression when you first go to uni.

I'd try and keep an open, non -pressured line of communication open. Don't project your worries onto him but make sure he knows you're there to help if he needs anything.

Basecamp65 · 05/02/2020 09:54

I think when my daughter went to uni most of us experienced similar - some of our children simply felt different at home because they have been used to a much different lifestyle and being home felt Odd.

He may be smoking dope - around half of uni students do but it rarely develops into anything else. He may have been smoking it for years.

Give him some space - he is not your little boy any longer and he may just have realised this!!!

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 05/02/2020 10:00

I think you should trust your instincts. Some students will be enjoying their new lives too much to think about home but for some it's a very difficult time and he may appreciate you gently sounding him out about how things are going.

OopsPregnantAgain · 05/02/2020 10:24

He's an adult, really all you can do is trust him to make good decisions and let him know that you're there for him if he needs you.

As a gay male university student, there is a strong chance that he's experimenting with drugs, but the risk of harm is much lower than you probably think. Perhaps research harm reduction strategies around recreational drug use so you can have that conversation with him. He may be more honest with you if you take this approach.

Urkiddingright · 05/02/2020 10:25

He’s probably just out being a typical uni student getting drunk, shagging around and having fun! Why do you expect a phone call every single day? It’s a bit weird and suffocating.

JKScot4 · 05/02/2020 10:27

Cut the apron strings, he has little in common with you now and is his own person, I love the shock at “smoking marijuana!” calm down 🤣

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 05/02/2020 10:33

OP - girdle you’re loins as this will get worse! My ds is in his 3rd year and I’m luckily if I hear from him once a month! I’ve had to do several “welfare checks” where the reception staff at his digs basically go and check he’s still alive! It’s hard but it’s just them growing up and growing apart from the family. He feels he shouldn’t have to check in with me and I’m being a bit silly so long as he calls me once in a blue moon! All he’s bothered about once his lectures are done is partying/being with his girlfriend etc.
To put things in perspective - when my dh was at uni (before the days of mobile phones) he didn’t speak to his parents from term to term as he’d have to use a pay phone to ring them and didn’t want to spend the money!
It’s hard I know but I would say you need to pull back a bit and understand it’s part of them becoming an independent adult. Also re the weed - it’s just something a hell of a lot of them do. And you lecturing him won’t make a blind bit of difference!

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