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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not feel mum guilt?

30 replies

Jadefeather7 · 04/02/2020 19:25

Just wondering if I’m unusually or if there are plenty of others who feel this way. One of my closest friends is a SAHM and she’s always talking about not feeling like she’s doing enough even though she’s a great mum. I spent a lot of time with her during maternity leave. On the other hand I’ve just gone back to work and I was worried I would feel terrible but I don’t. I love my son and nothing gives me more joy than seeing him. I have passing moments during the day where I miss him and look at his pics and videos but I don’t feel guilty about being away.

OP posts:
Barbie222 · 04/02/2020 19:40

No, I wouldn't feel guilty either, not sure about what exactly? Probably it's just one of those things people say to keep the conversation going, a kind of humblebrag.

WhyArePiratesCalledPirates · 04/02/2020 19:41

Nope. No guilt here. When I'm off work I still send her to nursery and have a sofa day. Or an adult day out. No guilt. Love her to pieces but no. Not a lick of it.

MyuMe · 04/02/2020 19:43

Don't worry about it.

My mum was a sahm. I quite honestly (by the time I got to a certain age) was sick of the sight of her.

I quite honestly would have liked some other experience instead of school and home to mum and sibling.

EssentialHummus · 04/02/2020 19:46

It depends really. I’m mainly a sah, though I work in a limited capacity. I never feel guilty about sending her off to childcare, though I do sometimes feel guilty about not always playing with her / being on my phone / saying no to the third->twentieth tea party of the morning.

Original poster
Jadefeather7 · 04/02/2020 19:49

Yes actually now I think about it I do find myself feeling guilty if I’m on my phone when I’m around him.
I’ve heard a number of people talking about mum guilt so just assumed I would feel it

OP posts:
Buddyelf · 04/02/2020 19:49

I don’t get mum guilt when I go to work ever. I have to work to keep a roof over our heads. I do feel mum guilt when I’m doing other things that I suppose aren’t ‘necessary’.

TwoZeroTwoZero · 04/02/2020 19:52

I don't feel guilty for my choices as a parent. I went back to work when my dc were 7-8 months, both times, because I wanted to. I didn't feel guilty for doing so.

My dc watch TV most evenings.
They eat chocolate and the occasional ready meal.
Dh & I have days off together but we still send them to the childminder's after school.
I don't spend much time playing with them and haven't ever really done so.
Not every activity we do is educational.
I tell them off when they're being pains in the arse and I'm tired.
I buy myself treats and don't always share with them.

I don't feel guilty. Why should I? Men don't or aren't conditioned to feel guilty for going to work or having time to themselves so why should women?

Gatehouse77 · 04/02/2020 19:56

Nope, no mum guilt here.

I do a good enough job. Most of the time it's somewhere around average with highs of awesomeness and lows of shittydom.

But, overall, they're well adjusted members of society who know how to think for themselves.

Squashpocket · 04/02/2020 19:56

I definitely feel mum guilt - I feel guilty all the time about everything. Enjoy the lack of it, it hasn't improved my life at all.

Brevityisthesoulofwit · 04/02/2020 19:57

Rarely do I feel mum guilt here either. I have a FT job but DH and I work flexibly so they do after school club once a week. They get to see us both. They get to see that mummy and daddy both have hobbies they enjoy. I actually think that is healthy for them to see that.

Occasions when I do feel guilty are when school phone if they’re ill and I dispatch grandad to collect them. Or if I’m not sure if they are properly ill and send them in anyway when I’m sure if I was Sahm I’d probably have done it the reverse.

Galwaygirl85 · 04/02/2020 20:01

Everyone is different don't feel guilty I love my kids as you do but I work shift work part time I love being home but I do be very happy when they go to crèche for me time or to cook or clean dont basis yourself on others

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 04/02/2020 20:05

I’ve never felt any guilt whatsoever about going to work. It’s a parenting basic to provide food and shelter surely? I’d feel guilty for not doing that.

It also instils a work ethic and show they can parent and have a career, it’s not one or the other.

Thoughtlessinengland · 04/02/2020 20:05

Not felt this (highly gendered, sexist, rooted-in-patriarchy) “mum guilt” ever. Not for a moment. Pride in myself? Yes. Genuine passion and investment in my career? Yes. Pure joy at watching my gorgeous son and daughter beside me? Yes. Guilt? Not one tiny speck.

Isbutteracarb · 04/02/2020 20:06

Nope - I started a new ft job when DS was around 9 months and though it was really difficult to be away from him it was more down to it being a massive adjustment rather than me missing him or feeling guilty. Definitely not just you!

Eemamc · 04/02/2020 20:09

Good for you OP. You’re allowed to be your own person too as well as a mum. Very little guilt here too!

riotlady · 04/02/2020 20:12

Yanbu, I think that’s brilliant! I get in terrible spirals wondering if I’m doing things right as I haven’t had great role models from my parents- I would love not to feel guilty about things. As another poster pointed out, my partner never does!

BertieBotts · 04/02/2020 20:15

I don't feel guilty about all the things people insist you should feel guilty about.

I do feel guilty about some things.

My eldest can be quite hard going (he has ADHD) and sometimes I feel guilty about having no energy left to spend quality time with him. I've got better at "front loading" this - if I spend enough time with him proactively and spend some time preparing responses/activities for him, he doesn't get quite so needy and annoying.

We rely a fair bit on freezer food and sometimes I feel guilty about this especially if I probably could have spent a little more effort just to cook something. But not a huge amount.

CumbriaLove · 04/02/2020 20:25

I feel guilt all the time so reading this is quite inspiring actually!

Excitablemuch · 04/02/2020 20:32

So happy to read this thread.... this ‘mum guilt’ shouldn’t be a thing. It’s not because you’re a mum it’s because you haven’t got faith and trust in your own convictions. Nothing to do with being a mum.

I don’t feel guilty at all. I do a job that I love and I absolutely love the time that I spend with my child.

MintyMabel · 04/02/2020 20:39

No guilt here either. We do what works for us as a family.

Bearlyawake · 04/02/2020 20:40

I've recently gone back to work after 11 months maternity leave and everyone there keeps asking how I am / if I'm coping, so I tell them I'm completely fine (in fact I'm quite enjoying all the hot cups of tea).

I'm possibly being oversensitive but this often gets a surprised response and I sometimes feel like I'm being judged for my lack of guilt about being at work Hmm

I've decided you can't win

SueEllenMishke · 04/02/2020 20:44

No mum guilt here. I decided early on that it was a concept designed to keep women in their place. My husband doesn't feel guilty for going to work so why should I?
DS is loved, cared for and happy. What more could I ask for?

thepeopleversuswork · 04/02/2020 20:44

Usually when people talk about mum guilt they are talking about the impossible pressure put on them by society to feel bad about going out to work to support their children. This is an artificial and totally pointless construct which serves no one. If you don’t experience it more power to you.

Guilt is for bad things: not being present for your kids when they are sad. Making them feel shit about themselves. Guilt is not for those who bring money in to support them and use appropriate childcare while they do so.

The less guilt we all feel, the better all round.

Original poster
Jadefeather7 · 04/02/2020 21:09

So glad to hear I’m not the only one!

My friend feels guilt at sending her child to nursery for a few hours each week. She’s trying to get him used to it as she’s due to have another soon and won’t be able to give him 100% of her time which she feels hugely guilty about. I guess her parenting style is quite different so maybe that adds more pressure as well as her expectations from herself might be higher.

I feel like I’m doing the best I can for my son and our family. On days where I am home late and don’t get to see him before bed I do feel bad but thankfully that’s not often and when it does happen I’m always super eager to wake up in the morning to see him!

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 04/02/2020 21:18

I didn't often feel mum guilt, only eben I couldn't be there when they wanted me.

I have lots of mum regret because I couldn't be there when I wanted to be. But that's about me, so I can
live with it.