I put the phone down on her. WIBU?

[PennyHoffsteader]

*So I just got a phone call.
*
How are you?
Me: Well actually Im not well. I have a throat infection... (is interrupted)
Them: Well Im full of cold as well and so is**>

Sounds like she would benefit from therapy to address the issues of coercive control and abuse from an alcoholic spouse.

A forced termination could quite easily be something that affects a woman for the rest of her life - it could even be that your sense of things getting better was the thing that made her feel able or that she needed to share that information with you.

Why in the hell would I need or want to know that information?! He died 2 years ago. It was hard enough dealing with that, being the next of kin and having to sort out the funerap etc. It's also something that happened almost 35 years ago.

You sound like you’ve had enough. Did you have a horrible childhood given your df was an alcoholic? Are you having therapy? I would probably have been a bitch too, dm issues here too. I have very little tolerance, although weirdly, it’s easier since my df died last year. There’s a lot of holding the phone away and rolling of eyes.

Yeah...therapy needed all round.

YANBU. At all.

You were definitely not being unreasonable. The most important thing you can try to do is to realise that you cannot change her behaviour.
All you can do is change your reaction to her, it's very easy for me to say that but it really is true.
Grey Rock works, just make neutral comments, umm, oh dear, that's a shame, ahh. My favourite is I'm sorry you feel that way.
You're absolutely right, it's all information that you don't need to know.
I have a similar mother to deal with but I've cut contact with her. I haven't spoken or been in contact for about 4 years now.
She'll be 88 this year and I probably won't see her again. I've done my grieving for the mother I should have had. I also left the guilt by the roadside a very long time ago.
I wish you well for the future and I really hope that the therapy helps you.

My mother used to feel the need to use me as a surrogate therapist, offloading everything (admittedly fairly horrendous) thing from her childhood. While dis'ing me for having gone through therapy for all the (reasonably shit) things that happened to me, which she was happily swimming in De Nile about - because it wasn't as bad as hers, was it?

I got to the point where I cut her off the minute she went down that route. I'm her daughter. I'm not her punching bag, I'm not her therapist. It's a terribly unfair burden to put on your offspring.

We have a much better relationship now. But if she gets to a certain point - I'm off. (My sisters do the same now. To the point of turning the lights off to get it across that she can go gnaw on her own liver alone.)

You can have a viral infection that doesn't respond to antibiotics but can make you feel very unwell.
No YANBU, and apart from anything else she is lying about the doctor telling her it was a boy.

My DM is like this sometimes. She had an awful childhood, orphaned at 10 and then abused by the uncle who was her guardian. As a result, she didn't look after my siblings and me very well, and my DSis and I were sexually abused by our F and others. We repressed our memories for years and it all flooded back once we had young DC. (My DB was abused too, though not by our F), but he's never acknowledged it or spoken about it. He's a very damaged individual, though, at 52 years old now.)

Obviously it's been difficult for my DM to cope with what we've told her. She didn't know anything about what was going on, which I accept is the truth. (She neglected us, though, as she was always too busy with work.). Whenever DSis and I bring up the subject, she bursts into tears and can't cope with it. I know it's hard for her to hear, but it gets to me that she makes it all about her and expects us to keep quiet to save her from having to face up to what happened.

YANBU at all, OP. Your DM shouldn't be putting you through any of this. And I agree with @mcmooberry that she's lying about the foetus having been a baby boy. There's no way that she would have been told the sex of the foetus.

Just remember that you don't have to have a relationship with anyone, anyone, who is not a positive influence on your life or mental health. And that includes one's mother.

I'm glad you're starting therapy. You'll find it a huge help. In the meantime, think about going LC with your mother. Sounds to me as if she's not helping you live your best (or at least a peaceful) life.

Yanbu. Hope you feel better soon.

I think that dumping all of your personal traumas and struggles on your children is abusive. My mother did this to me and it really messes with your head. So no, I don't think you were unreasonable. I hope the therapy goes well for you.

YANBU and she's a liar.

Thanks for all the replies 😘

Therapy starting at 11am today.

@cherrysoup yes au had an awful childhood. Not sure when my DFs alcoholism started but he always had a drink with him. Parents lived almost 100 miles apart so the journeys every other weekend, being left at my Nans all weekend when we (DS and I) were supposed to be spending time with him. His GFs who were just as bad, arguments, people being hit, Christmas ruined because of arguments,

Then when we (my sis and I) we're home, getting phone calls off DF and DM screaming down the phone at home while I was trying to have a convo, her shouting at me to tell him this or that,

Him not paying maintenance, so we went without A LOT!!

Wow I could go back on. Very mentally abusive childhood. Very unstable.

Fuck sakes

It might go some way into explaining why she was so angry with him.

Frankly, therapy sounds like the way forward. You know you don’t need to have her permission to break contact? You could do that if you want. A decision only you can make, but one that might relieve your stress. I never managed it, I was too keen to stay in touch with my (enabler) father. Now he’s dead, I’d be the world’s biggest bitch if I cut contact. 🤷‍♀️

If you can’t go non-contact for whatever reason, put some madly strong boundaries in place, reduce the frequency of contact.