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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel going for a drink with my ex?

30 replies

Thedrowners30 · 04/02/2020 17:00

Ran into an ex of mine a few months ago on a night out. We were together for nearly six years, but it had been a decade since I last saw him.

We’ve keep in touch via Facebook messenger and had arranged to meet this weekend for drinks. A few nights ago we were messaging each other. All very lighthearted, talking about people from the past etc. and I was enjoying the conversation. Then a notification came up on my Facebook and I saw that he’d posted an article about a mutual interest of ours on my timeline. He then messaged me apologising and saying he’d meant to send it to me in messenger. I was a bit about how you could mix up sending a message with posting on someone’s timeline, but just said no bother, I’ll delete it (which I did)

He then messaged me asking why I never like anything he posts on Facebook and is it because I don’t want my DH to see it? (DH and I have recently separated) Again I was a bit taken aback and said that I do sometimes like his posts (which I do) and I wasn’t really sure what he was getting at. He then messaged again saying I never like any of the photos he posts of himself and he was wondering why? I was getting a bit pissed off by now but jokingly responded that I wasn’t aware I had a Facebook like quota to fulfil and that I did actually like a photo he posted on NYE. He read the message but didn’t respond.

Now he’s just messaged me asking if I’m still on for drinks at the weekend because he can see my Facebook events page says I’m going somewhere else that night. Surely going through other people facebook like that is something you don’t actually mention to them? Like the dark secret we all keep to ourselves

WIBU to cancel? This is a man in his forties by the way, not the 16 year old his behaviour might imply he is! How do I let him down gently if so? His behaviour is making me uneasy but I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or not?

OP posts:

FooFighter99 · 04/02/2020 17:10

Just be honest and tell him he's being too full-on and he needs to back off a bit

why did you split the first time? an ex is an ex for a reason, as the saying goes...

Urkiddingright · 04/02/2020 17:18

He sounds kinda creepy and stalker like, I’d quit while you’re ahead.

Original poster

Thedrowners30 · 04/02/2020 17:19

@FooFighter99
Well one of the main reasons we split was because he always wanted things a certain way and it had to be his way!

I genuinely just wanted to go for a catch up drink...star crossed lovers we are not.

OP posts:

windycuntryside · 04/02/2020 17:21

He is in stalker territory already. I would cancel via fb, block and delete. He is one to avoids

windycuntryside · 04/02/2020 17:22

Sounds like you have done all the catching up you need. Why bother meeting him? Ask yourself why?

FizzyGreenWater · 04/02/2020 17:22

Cancel, and tell him that his twatty behaviour over the last few days has reminded you exactly why you split up. And then delete him from FB.

Talkingmouse · 04/02/2020 17:25

I have no idea what you getting from this friendship. Cancel.

3rdchristmaslucky · 04/02/2020 17:28

I'd still go for the drink. Catch up, enjoy the evening. If he tries to take it somewhere you're not comfortable with, then tell him.

Original poster

Thedrowners30 · 04/02/2020 17:37

The thing is @3rdchristmaslucky, with two young children nights out are not the easiest to arrange. I don’t want to do it and risk ending up in a shitty situation.

It was the ‘accidental’ posting on my timeline that swung it. I think it was a test to see what I would do/say

OP posts:

BrowncoatWaffles · 04/02/2020 17:40

I think you’re right about the ‘accidental’ post. You owe him nothing, cancel and do something fun.

PreggoFeminist86 · 04/02/2020 17:44

I'd cancel. Alarm bells are definitely ringing! Odd, vaguely stalkerish FB behaviour doesn't make it sound as though your ex sees this as just a catch-up. Sounds like they want way more.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 04/02/2020 17:44

Don't go, he is too full on for what you sound like you want.

I say this as someone who has posted on peoples walls many a time instead of messenger, it is easy to share to people via fb instead of private messenger.

Lippy1234 · 04/02/2020 17:46

I would cancel, I can’t see what you’d gain from the night out. I’d block him from all social media too. There’s a reason he’s an ex.

Thingsdogetbetter · 04/02/2020 17:55

He's already twisted, in his head, you not liking his posts into a 'relationship' that you would need to keep secret from stbxh. He's fb checking where you're going to be, getting insecure that you don't like enough of his fb posts, and 'accidentally' posting mutual interest events (to remind you how compatible you are?). You might not think you're star crosses lovers, but he seems to. A very needy and insecure man!

BlimeyCalmDown · 04/02/2020 18:05

He does sound too much/needy. Although have to say i get an automatic notification to say when someone says they have liked/are attending an event.

Mistystar99 · 04/02/2020 18:07

Sounds like he has a different agenda from you! Maybe seeing the catch up as a rekindling of things?

FooFighter99 · 04/02/2020 18:07

Make sure you block him OP, you don’t what him turning up where you are because he’s been FB stalking you and knows your every move! Sounds like he hasn’t changed a bit in the intervening years.... you’re well shot of him

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2020 18:12

He clearly thinks you're trying to hide your friendship with him.

Are you? I don't understand why you have said you're going elsewhere and had to delete the post off your timeline? What was the issue with it being there?

If meeting him is something you need to hide, it's likely better you don't meet him,

D4rwin · 04/02/2020 18:22

Run!

Original poster

Thedrowners30 · 04/02/2020 18:23

@Bluntness100 I didn’t say I was going elsewhere. I’d already clicked attending on this Facebook event before I arranged to see him. I’d just forgotten I was going this weekend!

I deleted it because I thought he didn’t want it there. He said he put it there by accident. I said shall I delete it and he said OK.

I do like some of his posts but he posts a LOT. I don’t like his photos because they’re all selfies and I don’t like anyone’s selfies unless your cute dog/cat/child is in them with you!

OP posts:

cochineal7 · 04/02/2020 18:26

His behaviour is worryingly weird. I would cancel. As you said it’s not easy to arrange childcare so bank that one for a real fun night out with actual friends.

flipperdoda · 04/02/2020 21:25

There's no way I'd be going if I were you. Free time is supposed to be fun and you're going to now spend the whole time (understandably) worrying and reading into anything he says after how he's acted already. What's the point??

Original poster

Thedrowners30 · 04/02/2020 21:33

That’s a really good point actually @flipperdoda I don’t get enough free time as it is to put up with the risk of that.

I suppose I’m just lonely tbh. I barely go out because of the DC and the house is very empty on an evening once they’re in bed.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thedrowners30 · 04/02/2020 22:16

@BlimeyCalmDown I clicked attending on that event weeks ago. He happily admitted he’d been looking on the events page of my Facebook.

Don’t get me wrong...I look on peoples facebooks all the time. I just wouldn’t tell
Them! Surely it’s one of the unwritten rules for not coming across like an internet stalker?

OP posts:

BlimeyCalmDown · 04/02/2020 22:34

Trust your gut

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