Ex and contact

[Chops2017]

I'm in a real shit situation at the moment, living with ex partner until I can move, what I'm wondering for when I move out is

• how often does your ex see his children
• do you and ex have contact every day ?

I feel my ex has or thinks he has alot of control over me, DD fell and hurt her leg on Saturday I took her to minor injuries as she was still walking on it but limping minor injuries said if she's still limping Monday come back for an X ray so monday I went back for an X ray told ex In a message and I got accused of taking her without him and sarcasticly said well done!! So when DD bumped her head that night I phoned him 20 times which he didn't answer because he was too busy playing football I can't win!! Both him and his mum have made me feel like they should have all the control and I'm not her mummy at times !! Just wondered how it works when DD and I move out? As we have DD together I think he thinks it's perfectly normal to have lots of contact and that I'm not being fair if I don't let him video call etc.

Anyone ? Xx

Well nobody has, or should have, “control” over your child. Nobody should be unilaterally making decisions. This is something for you both to work out between you once you have somewhere to live. You need to go to mediation and work out a plan that is in your child’s best interests, which is to spend quality time with both of you. If you can’t resolve it (and you should try hard to), one of you will have to bring it to court and a judge will make the decision for you, which neither of you might be happy with.

It is normal to have lots of contact with any non-resident parent, yes - in fact shared 50/50 care isn’t all that rare - and to be able to video call at certain times.

I think daily contact is unusual but unless you get your own place without him it’s inevitable
Scoring points using your children sounds very toxic how long until you can move

It will depend on lots of things - how old your daughter is, what the current arrangements are, your work patterns.

There is nothing wrong on the surface with him calling to say goodnight on days they aren’t together unless he uses it to control you and your actions or behaviour or wants to call a million times a day. (And he affords you the same ability to call when he has her).
Ultimately you have to think what’s in the best interests of your daughter and usually that is regular contact with both parents.

I think the age of the child matters greatly. At first DD spoke to ExH every evening before bed and saw him 3 times a week at a minimum - very difficult for me at the time, but was in her best interests.

As DD has gotten older the contact has varied from every weekend, to every other, to whenever she chooses. Which works for all.

It must work for everyone or else there will never be peace. And no that doesn't mean it will be easy.

DD is just over 2 years, loves her daddy and I can't fault him as a father but he always put his hobby before us as a family, he does his hobby 3 times a week even when DD is unwell etc hence when I don't inform him of something I don't appreciate the sarcastic comments from him, it will always come before DD too!! Xx

Pp ( not sure how to tag ) I'm with you on that one it's not easy at all, how do you feel about it now ? Do you find it easier xx

@Chops2017

Yes much much easier.
Like yourself my ExH is/was a brilliant dad but a rubbish husband at the end of our relationship. DD was a rainbow baby and we both knew and appreciated how precious she is. I got through the hurt for her

My exH is kinda useless so I don’t think our set up is by any means the norm. We split six years ago and have three primary school aged DC. He moved in with his new girlfriend and her two young DC about a month after we split which I hugely frowned upon but there you go. Their house is a tiny two bedroom home so there’s never really been enough space even for her DC let alone our three. He did have them overnight most weekends from about 6pm on Saturday till 6pm Sunday but I had to stop overnight visits because it was becoming increasingly inappropriate for her eldest (now almost 12) to be sharing a room with our DD’s. I said he can have overnight visits again if he gets a bigger home but that still hasn’t happened and he doesn’t seem bothered 🤷🏻‍♀️ . He now just sees them for a few hours on a Saturday or Sunday and very rarely does anything with them, just sits in his house with them. Eventually they’ll refuse to go all together, they already hate going.

My parents were separated and I saw my Dad every weekend from Friday-Sunday night. My Dad was a better Dad though.

My ex husband sees our daughter for tea on a Wednesday evening and then overnight on a Friday every week. She stays with him for the whole weekend EOW and comes home to me at 10am on Saturday morning the other weekends.

I tend not to see him at every drop off / pick up as she is old enough to go in and out whilst he or I watch from the car. We get on ok though so will pop in to speak if things need sorting.

I tell him about parents evening so he can attend, serious illness or injury as it might impact her seeing him, major upsets in her life that mean he might need to treat her gently, plans that might need to be made over his access time (e.g. if she’s been invited to a party on his weekend and he’d need to take her).

I think we have it about right. He came to her birthday party this weekend and parents evening and we get along fine but we don’t micromanage one another’s time with DD.

I think fanella summed it up quite well.
There is no ' normal' it's just what works for each different family.
We have my stepson every Thursday and EOW for Friday through to Monday morning and half of all school holidays.
Video chats would happen occasionally but wouldn't be the norm for us. My stepson is 7 and this has been the arrangement for the past 3 years before that it was EOW and 2 weeks in the summer but increased flexibility at work allowed the increased custody.

I think for me it's still very raw and painful, he hasn't treated me right and I know it won't work, for me I think we don't need to have any contact unless it was to do with DD ie something wrong or something important, if she asked to face time ex of course I would for her but can't see it being the first thing on my mind if that makes sense, we live together but have separated but he will still text to ask when I'm home or ask what I'm doing etc so not sure how it would be when we move out, I planned to be with him for the rest of my life so Al this is quite worrying for me etc xx

My exH has our DC 2 days every week (EOW is a weekend). I try to have no direct contact with him as he is a controlling twat hard to have a conversation with.

I do not speak badly of him to DC even when he sends nasty emails or they say horrible things that he says about me, but I record everything dates and message (this helps me when I have school meetings and ask for their support). I think DC need at least one stable parent modelling good behaviour. I can't change my exH, but I won't descend to his level.