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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban ex from coming over?

25 replies

Daisychain201 · 03/02/2020 22:01

Long backstory which isn’t particularly relevant, but to summarise, he’s not a nice person, is controlling and nasty, and has made some completely vile comments towards me over the last few weeks which mean I don’t want to be anywhere near him.

We have one DC and the majority of his contact with DC is at our house. He doesn’t have his own place. I’ve suggested multiple times that he takes DC out when looking after them, and today I told him he had to as I didn’t want him here. He point blank refused, and said if I forced him to go out of the house, he will just go home and leave DC with me. Angry

I don’t want to be around him and hate that he insists on intruding in my personal space. AIBU to just tell him that him spending time with DC here is no longer an option, and that he needs to make other arrangements during their time together?

Reasonable possibility he will fuck off completely from DC life if I enforce this.

If IANBU - would really appreciate if anyone can help me construct a firm but not argumentative message to tell him! TIA Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisychain201 · 03/02/2020 22:14

Really curious to hear why someone thinks AIBU. Smile

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 03/02/2020 22:35

AIBU to just tell him that him spending time with DC here is no longer an option, and that he needs to make other arrangements during their time together?

This is perfectly fine. If he doesn't see your DC again and disappears, that tells you how much he values his child doesn't it.

How old is your DC and was he an involved dad before you split up?

BlackeyedSusan · 03/02/2020 22:36

I had to do this with ex for a while til he learned to behave.

Marmalady75 · 03/02/2020 22:55

Who the hell thinks you abu??? Stand your ground and set the boundaries now. He has no right to invade your space and if that means he takes the strip and reduces or cuts contact, then it shows you exactly what kind of father he is.

WorraLiberty · 03/02/2020 23:01

Reasonable possibility he will fuck off completely from DC life if I enforce this.

And that's not your problem, although he'll no doubt put the 'guilt' on you for it, as that's what manipulative fuckers do.

Stand firm and just keep telling him no. If he chooses not to see his DC, then that's his choice.

PanamaPattie · 03/02/2020 23:06

I think you should take it that if he fucks off and doesn't see DC as a big fat win. No loss to either of you. Bye.

Elieza · 03/02/2020 23:18

Would he take dc to his parents house for family time there?

If not tell him to f right off. He’s looking for an excuse not to look after dc anyway by the sounds of it. Or an excuse to get out of paying maintenance. Get that well sorted out. He’s an Arse.

Beldon · 03/02/2020 23:32

It’s a twisted game to get control. I had same with ex, took a while but eventually he started behaving like a normal dad and not trying to keep claim of me and my property (he even suggested moving back in and sleeping on sofa so we could co-parent better). I would definitely ban him, arrange a time to pick up but he waits at door. Next game will be messing you around and turning up few hours late etc, don’t rise to that either, just go out for day with dc if he is over half hour late.

Original poster
Daisychain201 · 06/02/2020 11:33

Would he take dc to his parents house for family time there?

Nope, none of his family have even met DC. I tried contacting them once on Facebook and said they’re welcome to meet DC if they would like to, but they didn’t take me up on the offer. Wouldn’t surprise me if ex told them DC wasn't even his.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisychain201 · 06/02/2020 11:33

Bold fail Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisychain201 · 06/02/2020 11:36

So I mentioned to him Tuesday morning that he needs to make alternative arrangements or can take DC out to spend time together - he hasn’t spoken to me since, he would usually see DC after school for a while (ie, lying on my sofa playing games on his phone and barely interacting with DC at all, while I run around doing everything. Totally lazy)

Feeling a bit shit about the lack of contact but it’s totally his choice and I cannot live with him constantly over. If he was actually a decent person I wouldn’t mind, but he’s openly rude to me and takes pride in being a nasty person. Confused

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/02/2020 11:36

Just call his bluff. Keep telling him he is not welcome at your house.

He is welcome to see DC but he has to take them out.

If he fucks off out of DC's life, that is entirely his choice. He's just trying to manipulate you. Stand your ground.

Original poster
Daisychain201 · 06/02/2020 11:37

Shall I just leave the ball in his court now regarding contact arrangements? I feel like he’s waiting for me to contact him pleading him to see DC (Hmm not going to happen) as a control thing.

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Original poster
Daisychain201 · 06/02/2020 11:42

Thanks @GreenFingersWouldBeHandy he definitely is trying to manipulate me. It probably worked when DC was a lot younger and I felt more vulnerable and like I ‘needed’ him but I absolutely do not need the constant hassle and spite that he brings into my home.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/02/2020 11:43

Shall I just leave the ball in his court now regarding contact arrangements?

Yes. You've got him sussed. It's all about him controlling you, now about his relationship with DC.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/02/2020 11:43

not that should have read!

Jokie · 06/02/2020 11:43

Yes, you leave it. He is responsible for coming to you with a solution or when he wants to see DC.

If he comes and tries to say: "I'll come but it needs to be at yours" say: "no, that doesn't work for me. You'll need to take DC out. You're not welcome in my home".

Original poster
Daisychain201 · 06/02/2020 11:46

The (not so) strange thing is, our house has felt SO much more peaceful and pleasant since he started this silent treatment/disappearing act on Tuesday. He brings such a bad atmosphere with him.

OP posts:
Whynosnowyet · 06/02/2020 11:47

He is totally responsible for his relationship with your dc.
You have been more than accommodating.
Time to actually enjoy him not being around imo.

Original poster
Daisychain201 · 06/02/2020 11:47

Yes I’ll definitely stay firm with this. If he does eventually arrange to pick DC up I think I’ll have a friend or family member over for the pick up, so he doesn’t try to say anything nasty to me.

Weirdly he cares a lot about what people think of him Confused

OP posts:
AltheaVestr1t · 06/02/2020 11:49

he would usually see DC after school for a while (ie, lying on my sofa playing games on his phone and barely interacting with DC at all, while I run around doing everything. Totally lazy) Nobody gains anything from this arrangement but him. If he chooses not to make arrangements for contact outside your home, I don’t think it’s any loss to your DC.

Original poster
Daisychain201 · 06/02/2020 11:49

@Whynosnowyet yes I definitely am starting to enjoy it. When he used to spend time here he used to spread his belongings all over the place Hmm several items on the sofa, table, stuff draped over the back of the dining room chairs etc - really irritating and messy. It feels nice having my own space back.

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Original poster
Daisychain201 · 06/02/2020 11:52

Yes I think you’re right @AltheaVestr1t .. I know it’s supposedly really important for DC to have their father in their life, but he’s so shit I’m not sure it applies here. His idea of spending time with DC is sitting on the sofa putting the TV on for DC while he plays on his phone. I tried to encourage him to do activities etc but he refused and said he doesn’t find children’s activities stimulating enough. Angry I understand it’s nice to chill out and watch a film sometimes, but he literally does nothing else with DC.

The more I write about him the more certain I am that I don’t want him here ever again.

OP posts:
PersephoneandHades · 06/02/2020 11:56

Sounds like you have the situation handled OP, well done you're doing the right thing Star

Pumpkinpie1 · 06/02/2020 12:10

It’s ultimately his responsibility to try and have a relationship with his child. If he is incapable of taking his eyes off his phone & communicate with her , that’s his fault.
Make sure that your child knows she’s loved and this isn’t her fault... or yours x

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