Supporting DH/bereavement

[Badwife6]

My DFIL is terminally ill and likely to die in the next few weeks. My DH is struggling and finding it very hard (unsurprisingly).

I just wondered whether anyone has any tips to deal with this sort of thing. Everything I say to DH is wrong- if I ask him how he is, he tells me I shouldn’t ask and am making him feel worse. If I don’t ask, he snaps at me for not asking. If I talk about DFIL, DH tells me not to and that it’s too upsetting. If I talk about other things, he tells me that what I’m talking about isn’t important. If I say nothing, he calls me moody.

He’s not normally like this and I know it’s just because of what he is going through. I am finding it very hard though. Also I feel really upset about DFIL as well. I’m really struggling and I can’t tell anyone. Keep having to go and hide in the toilet to cry.

I think you need to talk to him ... basically ask him what he wants and put into words gently what you have said in your post.

The main thing I'd say is to look after yourself - and don't take things personally. He will be all over the place, and what you're saying isn't 'wrong' because there's no 'right'! If you take care of yourself you can, in turn, take care of him.

There's nothing you can say to make things right, and nothing you can do. All you can do is be a shoulder to cry on, make sure he's fed and keeps up with showering etc. Be there if/when he wants to talk, and don't push him if he doesn't.

As odd as it sounds, I've been in these situations before, and it's the 'waiting' (when you know losing somebody is coming) that's the worst bit. Once he passes away, and you've had the funeral, that's when the grief can truly begin and he can take steps to the future. But right now, it's a sort of no man's land, that nobody knows how to deal with.

Are you sure he has only just started to be like this? If so, then yes as PP said, have a chat, reassure him you want to support him however works for him then do what he asks.

If this had just uncovered what is essentially someone blaming you for their troubles .....

Tell him you're there to support him - but also point out that however sad the situation, there is no excuse for him being nasty to you.

Reassure him that he doesn't have to bear it all on his own. That you're there too and be open about feeling upset too. Don't hide away for a cry, go to him for a cuddle so that he can come to you too.

Grief is very lonely. No one really knows how you are feeling. But just being alongside, knowing he can rely on you and share how he's feeling will help enormously.

I am in exactly this position, only it's my Mum that is dying.

I wouldn't dream of behaving like this to DH. Why does your DH think he can behave like this to you? Bereavement is not an excuse for abusive behaviour.

When I lost my Dad, I was grateful to DH and everyone who offered support and condolences.
Is your DH difficult in other areas of your life? Does he acknowledge your sadness over your DFIL?

@Badwife6 there's a Elderly Parents board on here that you might find useful, lots of helpful and kind people on there. My DM and DH's DF are terminal so I've been lurking on that board a fair bit recently.

Make it clear to him that you can be sympathetic and supportive AND demand respectful behaviour from him.
He may be unconsciously jealous of the attention his Dad is getting, from you and/or his mother/his other siblings. Therefore he is annoyed you ask about his Dad and not him. Let's call it the But What About Me? syndrome. You can try asking about him himself first, then ask for the actual update on his Dad. But it's no excuse for biting your head off...

I feel for you both.
We only had a couple of weeks from diagnosis to the end with my dad. To be honest, I know I was snappy at times and whatever dh did it said, in my mind, he was wrong. The problem was that being told my dad was terminal came as such a shock that I couldn't get that out of my head - every single thing I watched on TV, every new daffodil that flowered, every time my dcs mentioned a forthcoming school event - absolutely everything seemed to taunt me that not only would this be the last time for my dad, but that he also wouldn't be here for the next series, the next season, the next academic and sporting achievements for his grandchildren. And it hurt so much to be trying to deal with that knowledge. At times, I found it so hard to be trying to hold day to day life together, for the sake of my dcs, as well as contemplating the loss of my beloved dad and I know I snapped at my Dh. Luckily for me, he knew this was not really 'me' and, having lost his own dad a few years earlier, he completely understood.
You have said your Dh is not like this normally. I don't think it's anything to do with him being jealous of his dying father. It's grief. Grief for the future he will not be able to share with his dad.
Let him know you are there for him when he wants to talk.

I get how your dh is feeling when my grandad died (like a second dad to me) he had cancer and had been very ill for the last 6 weeks of his life. I know now looking back how hard I must of been to be around, nothing dh (then dp but living together wih a dd) said or did could of changed how I felt. I have to admit I did get worse for a couple of weeks after he died, I didn’t even want to be around anyone. I realised afterwards how much dh did for me for them 2ish months and I’ll never forget all the stuff he done for me and put up with from me, I told him this after and I finally cleared my head. Tbh op there’s not really much you can do at this point apart from keep letting him know your there for him when he needs you when I finally let out all my emotions after my grandads funeral I honestly felt like i cried to dh for hours. He will realise after it’s all over what you done for him. If he’s not normally like this then it’s the grief talking.