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Original poster

to be pissed off at yet again catching my husband looking at porn?

22 replies

Dawnybabe · 02/09/2007 10:51

If I was young, fit and gorgeous I might not take it so personally, but I'm not, and I still have baby tummy to boot. I've never felt overly adventurous in the bedroom department, although we've had our fair share of gymnastics over the years. So why does he need to get his kicks from porn? And why does he lie about it? I'm not a prude by any stretch of the imagination so why does it piss me off so much? I feel compared to the exotic young things in the films and as I always been very self conscious it just makes me feel second best. Am I over reacting or is he being an insensitive git?

OP posts:
Mommalove · 02/09/2007 10:54

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escape · 02/09/2007 10:55

A bit of both!
I don't know if my husband looks at porn, I have no suspicions, but then he might. he works away alot - but if I knew he did? how would I feel?
probably a lot like you.
I hope this threda doesn't turn into a MN bunfight..
its been done too many times before.
tell me though, do you ever fantasise about other men/celebreties?
if you do, then thats all porn might be doing for your DH, men and women are different (obv.) and have different outlets, sexy dreams about brad pitt whilst were doing the hoovering might be eneough for us, Men are very visual

Mommalove · 02/09/2007 10:55

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escape · 02/09/2007 10:55

jeez, my typing is even worse than usual today1

themildmanneredjanitor · 02/09/2007 10:57

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LazyLinePainterJane · 02/09/2007 11:02

Is it the porn itself that you have an issue with or is it the lying?

themildmanneredjanitor · 02/09/2007 11:09

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Dawnybabe · 02/09/2007 11:10

I think I'm a bit pissed off with both. He knows how self conscious I am, particularly after giving birth not so long ago, and yet he would obviously rather ogle fit birds. And he always says 'I've got work to do' when he hardly ever needs to use the computer for work at home as he's an engineer! It's such an obvious lie, he must think I'm daft.

OP posts:
hatwoman · 02/09/2007 11:10

you need to talk. you need to tell him how it makes you feel. he needs to tell you why he does it. hopefully you can meet somewhere in the middle. no-one here can tell you where your "middle" might be (as mommalove says, its all personal) try not to be angry or judgmental - start talking with a view to both of you understanding each other better. start from the assumption that you both care deeply about one another and you both want to find a middle ground. that would be reasonable.

Mommalove · 02/09/2007 11:11

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NappiesGalore · 02/09/2007 11:17

yabu

porn is fantasy.
is for a quick thrill.
does not mean hed even think of doing anything with anyone else in RL.
I look at porn. does not for one second mean i want to actually do most of that stuff, and certainly not with the actualy people in the pics.

its NOT about you.

its just an easy way for him to fulfil a personal physical need.

really, maybe you should try some. then you might see for yourself how it is so far removed from RL.

Original poster
Dawnybabe · 02/09/2007 11:24

I have tried it. I don't mind it at all and it can be quite a turn on. But together. Not on your own. And not in preference to being with your own wife. I have told him countless times that I feel uncomfortable with him looking at it so much and yet he still does it. I think it's go to the stage where I just don't care enough about it anymore and am on the verge of letting him get on with it and not actully have a sex life anymore.

OP posts:
cluelessnchaos · 02/09/2007 11:26

Where is that thread from the other day, about a H going to a strip club on his own, there was a post from a man, anyway he put it really well about how men just dont make the connection between porn and partners.

I know if I have a dream about being with someone else I feel really guilty about my DH, but I think they just dont make the connection, my DH says he doesnt like porn and I think he is a bit wierd cos I thought all men were into it.

And I think the thing about looking at gorg girls, I think he couldnt care less what they look like, its just the fact its porn and they are tarty.

NappiesGalore · 02/09/2007 11:34

exactly. they dont make the connection.

I dont make the connection. seriously. i look at porn. on my own. rarely with dp, but sometimes. is a different thing altogether to do it with him. on my own, its just a way to scratch an itch.

seriously. totally unconnected to rl. i think it connects with different synapses or something in the brain and everything.. it really is just a physical thing and not about preferences or emotions or fancying one person or body more or less than another.

fantasy is a really odd kettle of fish.

i once thought the idea of some naughty spanking type stuff might be a real turn on. it worked in my head for my alone time playing if you get my drift.

dp did it once and i knew and said instantly , that if he so much as thought about doing that ever agin, id rip his head off!

fantasy is SO different from reality.

HorseyWoman · 02/09/2007 17:15

If I was young, fit and gorgeous I'd take it more personally I think. Why would he want them if I looked exactly like them? Obviously something wrong with me on another level other than looks.

The fact is, I am young but neither fit nor gorgeous, so my husband looking at super-airbrushed, comically enhanced women in magazines, isn't such an issue. They are amazing figures of beauty that don't exist. No woman truly looks THAT good. And so men are getting off on a FANTASY which we all, even women, have. Men just need pictures to help them fantasise!

Then again, there's hard porn. Characters in hard porn do/say things that wouldn't always be done or said in real life. These porn stars do stuff he couldn't dream of asking you to do, or you may refuse to do!

That's the way I look at it anyway. He still sleeps with me, has sex with me, talks to me, shares with me, loves me... And anyway, I like porn too (not hardcore stuff!).

HorseyWoman · 02/09/2007 17:16

Just reread your post and notice you have not long had a baby, so this porn viewing is going to add to you feeling crap about yourself. Pamper yourself and accept he will look at porn whatever you look like.

LiliAnjelika · 02/09/2007 17:33

Think of it this way. My dh has a low libido so if I caught him looking at porn I would be reassured that he had some sex drive left in him - which I could then try to exploit. I think it just means that he has a healthy sex drive.

sjmilly · 02/09/2007 17:48

I would be pissed off too. In fact I was pissed off too, after dh had always claimed to be against that kind of thing before I found 300 odd video clips on our laptop.... He has since deleted them, and says he doesn't know what came over him !

Talk to him. He probably doesn't even realise you feel this way about about it. It doesn't make him an insensitive git, it makes him a man.

BarbieGirl · 02/09/2007 20:01

My DH watches porn sometimes (on his own) and has numerous magazines he look at when he -hmmm you know - does his thing. It really doesn't bother me, it gives me a break {grin].

He has a very high sex drive which I cannot meet, but at least by looking at porn I know he isn't out there shagging someone else.

tabithasmummy · 03/09/2007 08:57

Hi, have never written on a message board before - but this one I have to. I caught my husband looking at porn on the internet last night. As I came into his study he quickly turned the monitor off and denied it all - but I am not stupid. I suppose it is the lieing as well as the actual porn. We don't have sex much since our youngest was born (8 months). I agree - I don't know if I am being unreasonable but I feel like I have been cheated on, I feel empty and in shock. I could hardly look at him the morning. Things have not been going too well anyway but this just seems the final straw.

HorseyWoman · 03/09/2007 11:17

tabitha,

It isn't unreasonable if it hurts you. I suspect it is the fact he is trying to hide it that hurts, though. If he is trying to hide it then it is bound to feel like more of a betrayal. But I would recommend accepting him looking at porn as it seems to be something innate in men. Try to get him to be more open about it, though, if you think that would help you. My husband isn't really big into hard porn but will look every now and again and we've bought FHM together before and laughed over some of the stuff.

Remember, these women aren't real in more ways than one. They are altered and they are untouchable for him. If you had found him with a real woman then it would be cause to kick him to the kurb. Also, remember, if he was looking at women who look exactly like you, wouldn't it hurt more? Wouldn't it suggest then that he had issues with something about you? Men just fantasise about perfection and the only way they can catalyse their imaginations is through pictures!

cluelessnchaos · 03/09/2007 14:18

I would find it much more hurtful if he was eyeing up somenone in the street, than flicking through a grotmag

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