To talk to DDs teacher

[codenameduchess]

DD is in reception, as far as I'm aware doing fine socially and academically. She's summer born so we had some worries she might struggle at first.
She has a core group of friends but will play/interact with anyone in her class. Her teachers say she's kind and polite.

How we I've noticed that she's not been invited to a lot of parties. I'm not bothered about that really, but most of her 'core' friendship group are invited to them so I'm now concerned that DD is struggling socially or there's another issue.
It's not that I'm annoyed she's not invited or that I want to her to be invited, I'm worried because she's the only one regularly excluded from this group of friends.

This morning a child DD often plays with and chats to (at pick up/drop off so I see it) was handing out invites and made a big show of giving one 5 or 6 other girls and skipping my DD... I'm not sure if DD noticed although I'm sure they'll all be talking about it at school. WIBU to check in with the teacher that DD is doing ok socially, eg not fighting/arguing or alone all of the time?

I was horrifically bullied at school from age 10, it caused massive issues for me that I'm still dealing with now in my 30s so I may be hypersensitive to this and don't want to be that parent.

YANBU to check but first have you asked your DD if she has people to play with at break etc?

Maybe the birthday kids all went to nursery together or the mums know each other through older siblings? Party invites are a minefield, personally I think invitations should only be handed out at school if the child is inviting the whole class.

Are the mums friends with each other? It may be that at the moment they're inviting kids that they know and your DD isn't on their radar.
Is your DD happy and does she feel like she has friends?
My youngest (8) has a good group of friends at school and is happy, but I've realised recently that he doesn't get invited to play dates very often (I do invite kids here, though). I'm upset on his behalf BUT as he's ok then have to be too!

None of my 3 have ever been invited to a school party, not one. Apparently it’s super weird and I should be concerned. (All primary school age) I wouldn’t speak to the teacher though, you can’t force people to invite her.

I agree with a PP, perhaps at this age the parents are only inviting other children that they have known previously (such as nursery or playgroups). I did very similar with my eldest last year, I didn't know where to begin with the many new children in his class, so held a party for his previous nursery friends and invited the ones I knew from the new class (I think it was 2).

However, deliberately using invitations as a way to show who 'the chosen ones' are is quite mean. I'd carefully ask the teacher about it, obviously you dont want to come over as the parent who expects their child to be invited to everything, but being deliberately excluded is something that should be nipped in the bud asap.

She seems happy, she does a few out of school activities and has friends there so I know she's capable if a little shy sometimes.

I know some of the mums know each other but honestly couldn't say who knows who, until recently I was working ft I only do all the school stuff now as I'm on mat leave so am noticing. DD is generally a happy child and hasn't said anything to me- I ask every day how her day was, what she did and who she played with (usually met with 'it was fine mummy, I had an apple for snack!')

@PumpkinP it's not about her being invited or not, if you read the post it's about whether or not I should be worried about DD.

At this stage, the fact that she's summer born may have an impact. When mine were small, it was hard to figure out their friendship group and often invited children whose parties they had been invited to. Dd may have been unintentionally overlooked by parents as she hasn't had her birthday yet.

It's a perfectly reasonable question and the teacher is not going to think any less of you for asking if they think there's a reason you're not aware of for this. If been through exactly the same and learned that my DC was super sweet and friendly but that other children still refused to play with them and they spent most of their time alone. It was the first sign there was something wrong and the teacher didn't realise it had spilled over into outside activities too. Once we knew about the issues we could start to address them and as a result I have a happy party-going DC with lots of friends.

Please talk to the teacher, the sooner you do the sooner you can get this sorted and make sure your DC is ok.

@MouthBreathingRage exactly, it just seemed unnecessarily mean to make such a show of excluding one child. All I would ask the teachers is if my DD is coping, getting on with the other kids, getting involved. I spent so much of my childhood alone wishing someone would speak to or play with me I don't want that for my own dd.

I plan to do similar with DDs party tbf, she'll be inviting a handful of her actual friends and her nursery friends we see regularly. But school invites will be done discreetly

Can you do something to make more of a connection, perhaps play dates or agree meet ups at the weekends? It might just be as other PPs pointed out that the parents already know each other or are socialising in other ways. You didn't mention either of those things.

Yes it's worth asking about how she's doing socially.

One of mine was always on the periphery of all the friendship groups, and never made the cut for small parties. He was liked well enough, just floated about.

Personally i would mention it. The teacher obviously has no control over the parties but can definitely give you an idea if there’s anything going on you should be aware of, or possibly keep a bit of an eye on your daughter to make sure she’s coping socially.
Are you friendly to the other parents?

They are reception aged children, one second they are best friends, by lunch not and afternoon break best friends again. As long as your DD seems happy she probably is.

Friendships at this age are fickle, nothing to do with being a summer born but whether or not they all like playing the same game, who can skip, hand clapping games.

By all means speak to the teacher just to ask if your DD seems happy and has friends. Don't worry so much about the party issue, it can be friends from nursery, parental friendships, who they like this week which will be different next week.

By the time they get to year 6 and start dictating who can come in their limo to the end of year party you will realise this is an ever shifting landscape.

And as a parent of 2 summer born children who are now 17 and 14, they have excelled academically, never had any issues with friendships because a load of other children are also summer born. Winter born children can also be immature and have social issues. I volunteer in a primary school. I see it all the time.

It makes sense to check in with the teacher that there are no issues. However my guess is the parents are inviting the children of the parents they are friends with from nursery. It will probably change in Y1. Could you invite one or more of your DD's friends to play after school and for the mums/dads to stay for a cup of tea so you can start to get to know the parents?

The parent friendships makes sense, I believe a lot of them went to the school nursery which my DD didn't, although her best friends also went to the same private nursery and were among the 'chosen' today.

I'm friendly with the other parents- the baby has been a great ice breaker with the ones I hadn't met before and I chat at pick up/drop off (one of the mums helped deliver the baby!).

I'm in a group chat with some of parents so could suggest a meet up at a weekend if the teacher says there's no issues.

Oh how mean.
I don’t know why people do this? If they want to throw a party for a reception aged child it’s only fair to invite everyone, and if the budget doesn’t allow that they should probably not invite people from school at all (just my opinion).

When I invited a full 30 class- almost 10 parents didn’t reply to the invite at all- I thought that was rude too. So unfair on the child (unless they couldn’t come obviously).

made a big show of giving one 5 or 6 other girls and skipping my DD...

That’s how you saw it an an adult. Children work in different ways. Handing out invites is an exciting thing and yes there will be a performance with it. That doesn’t mean it was directed at your DD not being invited.

Yanbu. Mine are at secondary now but parents who make a show of giving out invitations were the pits at primary school. (I know in this case it was a child but was the mother watching her do it?)
I remember parents walking up to the line of children waiting to be picked up after school and putting party hats on the invitees as the others watched. Hideous!

I know this isn't the point but why make a big show of handing out invites if only a few are invited (obviously I'm talking about the parents encouraging/allowing it not the little child). It might well be that the parents are just inviting friends' children or children they already know from nursery. I'd invite a few over after school and try to make an effort to chat to the mums.

I personally wouldn't worry. My son is in year 2 and has known his classmates since they were in preschool together, lots of strong friendships in the class and they all generally get along well. He has been invited to about 3 parties in his whole life. His teacher said it's nothing to worry about at all, he tends to play with everyone and doesn't have a "core group" so often gets missed out but he is happy. I prefer it too. He doesn't mind who he plays with and we have no intense weird friendship with fall outs and drama.
His sister in reception gets invited to every party going and while she is also happy and sociable, she has a different bff every week.

It won't do any harm to ask the teacher how things are at playtime. But I think pps are right that at this age it's about mum friendships. My children are in reception and year 1 and they get invited to a lot of parties of kids they aren't friendly with - it is purely because I am a sahp and so know loads of the other mums from playdates, coffee, standing at the gates. We don't see as many of the children of parents who aren't at pick up in reception parties. But in year one the kids are being more assertive about which friends they want to invite - party's are bit social currency for that age group! So we see many more of the kids we didn't see much of last year.
I'm trying to say dont worry :) if the invites matter to you or your dd then best bet is to mix in with the mums! You could even just let the mums of the parties know .. some might find that too forward but I would be horrified if I thought there was a little one in my kids group that felt left out - I would much rather be told and make accomodations (and apologies!) Than have someone upset.

It's probably a mum's social thing left over from nursery ... we were lucky with our DD, that most families invited the whole class but there was initially a small group that only invited each other and it wore off over time. You could do the "big gesture" and invite all or as many as you want and then expect lots of stress with multiple invites in the future!

We had an example a little like the insensitive invitation handing out but in a different situation, three mums and children walking home and one (beastly) child made a big thing of hugging and kissing the other child and saying nothing to my daughter, and (I thought doing it even more when DD looked sad) ... the other 2 mums said nothing (which I would have to mine but there perhaps they lacked sensitivity or were embarrassed), my little daughter I was so sad. We walked on and I addressed the situation and said "I thought that was very mean of x and y leaving you out and it's natural to feel sad and I'm glad you are not that insensitive to people ." From then on I said we are walking the other way home to avoid the traffic! (and the "goodbying and leaving outing"). And things were fine.

It can be partly age related. As pp said the ones already 5 who had parties will be invited back.
Also parents can be keen for their kids to be seen as mature and only able to make friends with kids their age or older.
Naturally the eldest are oftenmore popular.
The other kids may be doing after school clubs together
Or weekend ones football/swimming/ballet/rainbows.

When dc1 started she wasnt invited to lots of parties. It was actually quite surprising how many kids and parents were not open to meeting new kids. Plus it still surprises me how much is led by (manipulated?) by parents.