To tell him to shove his apology

[moolady1977]

Ok long story short,my mums husband can be toxic I've witnessed and been on the receiving end of it ,cut to a month ago and we had my dsd for the weekend she was full of cold and we got a call from my mum asking if we were going to see them I said dsd had cold and was sneezing and coughing and because her husband has COPD asthma and suffers a lot from chest infections I said no to which I was told it was ok to bring her he was ok .so jump forward to the 22nd Jan I'm sent home from work ill and by the 24th still feeling rough so I ring doctors who says he want to see me ,I ring mum who says yeah we on our way,I get to the car and get given a decorating mask to put on so I do ,get in to the doctors who sends me to hospital for blood tests and ecg (not got cold or flu) I'm ignored by her husband in the car so say I'll get my partner to take me to hospital ,have everything done hospital say chest infection get given antibiotics .jump forward a week tablets are finished and if anything I'm feeling worse than I first did so get another appointment for doctors who looks through notes and says no chest infection more blood tests ,now in all this time my mum has ring me twice and her husband hasn't spoken to me so tonight I get a message from her saying that' he thinks I should apologize to him for not putting the bloody dust mask back on and that he only said yes to us going across when we had dsd to see if we would' .Now my head is spinning should I apologize even though I can't see that I've done anything wrong ,say sorry so I don't put my mum in the middle of it , or do I say shove that for a game of cricket and let him stew ,I know I'm not infectious or contagious and he needs to grow up

Doctors us 20 minutes walk away couldn't walk that far with how I felt ,mother is far too skitty to learn to drive and has no road sense ,I am learning to drive and have my car sat outside but would never be so stupid as to get in on my own even if I wasn't ill,my doctors surgery is done by a phone call you ring speak to a receptionist who gets doctor to ring you and if he thinks he needs to see you then you get a same day appointment which I got ,no coughing no sneezing but the other symptoms I had gave him concern which is why he sent me to a&e for the ecg and blood tests and it's the hospital who said chest infection ,the bloody dust mask yes I know that I was just thinking it shuts him up till I get to the doctors big mistake ,as for contact with my mum we normally speak every day and he normally gets on the phone to tell me about some political thing he has seen or heard ,

Doctors us 20 minutes walk away couldn't walk that far with how I felt

I’d have got a cab rather than ask him. I think you need to stop depending on other people (disclaimer: only if they are an arse).

Just had a message from my mum that's totally floored me he has said I'm no longer welcome in my mums house until I apologize to him and she is sticking with that but will keep in touch via messenger. Well the toxic side of him is well and truly out now I totally understand why his kids and siblings have nothing to do with him ,oh well his loss not mine

What a bastard that man is. I wonder what else he is doing to your poor mother behind the scenes.

That woman must be getting bullied something awful to even tell you what the dick said. This isn’t about you any more it’s about her. If you love her as much as I love mine.

If I was your mum I’d have said to my husband he could ‘fuck right off as it’s my house too and you’ll no be telling me my kids are not welcome’ but your mum hasnt because she’s his victim too poor thing.

She’s the one you may need to apologise to him for, in order to help her only, as he’s a prick. She’s either doesnt think he’s being unreasonable because he’s brainwashed her any turned her into a domestic servant to him, or she’s frightened of him.

Depends how you want this to play out. Personally I’d apologise to the old bastard if it made my poor wee mums life easier because I love my mum. Not because he deserved it. As he’s a dick. You don’t know what he could be doing to her behind the scenes that she hides from you.

I’ve been in exactly the same position. I apologised profusely. And was allowed in the house after three weeks time out. But I never felt the same again.
My parent then told me how awful the step parent was and we came up with an escape plan to my spare room to escape the evil one. I’d never have known as all the bad stuff was hidden by my parent feeling embarrassed and ashamed. It brought us together. Even though the step parent got half the house in the end. Bastard.

You need to find out how your mum is and see if there’s stuff you should know about.

All of those who are saying don’t apologise haven’t been in your position OP. This isn’t about you or his pride it’s about the love of your poor wee mum.

I agree with Elieza. Your dm's safety trumps your dignity. I'd eat crow to protect those I love and, if necessary, I'm sure you'll do the same no matter how much it sticks in your throat.

However, I wouldn't rush to perform the required grovelling with fingers crossed behind my back and suggest you wait to see if your dm continues to communicate freely with you.

Just had a message from my mum that's totally floored me he has said I'm no longer welcome in my mums house until I apologize to him and she is sticking with that

You seem to be ignoring the fact that your mum is toxic too.
She chooses to tolerate him and his bullshit - at the expense of her own child.
How about you ignore BOTH of them until they learn to treat you with respect?

Oh, well, if you don't have to go round to their house and put up with this man's company, I'd say that's a good result.

@monkeymonkey2010 the mum may well choose that man, but like my parent, she may have gotten with someone who started off nice and then over the years showed their true colours.

The mum may not have the money or the help she needs to get away from him. My parent was like that. Didnt want the shame of splitting up, decided the partner was better than nobody, didn’t have any income, wouldn’t be able to afford a house based on half the money from the sale of the old house.

Sometimes people stay with abusers (or just crabbit bastards they now hate) because they don’t know how to get away from them.

Or it could be she is what you suggest. We don’t know. But I’m basing my assumptions on the step fathers behaviour, which is controlling and nasty. It would be easy for her to just shut up and do as he says to continue to stay in a nice house if she couldn’t manage alone. But she shouldn’t have to.