To state that Slim people can lack confidence too!

[DM1209]

Evening all, I posted a thread in Style & Beauty requesting advice, feedback and help in giving me an opinion on a dress I am contemplating wearing to a work related event. I included a picture of myself wearing the dress.

I got lots of really good advice, tips and ideas that I hadn't even thought of and some truly lovely compliments that absolutely were so nice to read and people were so very kind. I was grateful for all of the feedback and it helped.

The event in question is being attended by 6 of us from our law firm and I showed the thread to a colleague who is also attending as she asked me about it.

She has now come back to me and said that, her words, 'I know I look phenomenal in the dress...' (I REALLY don't think like that!) and I posted the thread 'just to get my ego stroked.'

She said I could never understand what it feels like to be overweight and struggle with all aspects of clothes buying due to having a bigger size.
I said that wasn't fair as I too struggled with confidence and being slim was not an indicator that I love how I look or that I know what suits me or what works for me in terms of body shape.
I also told her that actually slim people have hang ups and insecurities too and they don't affect a slim person any less than a larger person.

The joke is she is genuinely so, so confident and I admire her ability to be that way. I wish I could be like her.
You notice her as soon as you walk into a room because she is so warm and friendly. Whereas I prefer to melt into the wall.

I've also birthed 3 children, been huge during and after my pregnancies and being only 5ft 1, it showed!

AIBU here? I will talk to her when I see her tomorrow but I'm not really sure what I'll say....?

I'm also going to ask that my dress thread is removed, she may show it to others and now I feel silly for posting it.

A lot of mainstream shops don't cater for petite women, particularly away from youth/ high fashion stores. Some don't bother with size 8 (and size 6 and under is rare), or vanity sizing means you fall under the smallest size.

Clothes are cut assuming that most women are busty. Proportions are often cut wrong.

I don't own attractive, matching underwear as I have not been able to find a bra small enough for my breasts to match with high waisted pants to tuck in the CS overhang since that overhang was created nearly a decade ago. A slim build means I'm only ever a dinner away from a pregnancy rumour, and a small bust does not balance out any bloating. A slim build is probably a lot to do with how pregnancy resulted in a saggy, wrinkly abdomen as I stretched so rapidly and it took a while to adjust to how extensively and rapidly my body was changed even after I returned to near pre-pregnancy proportions.

As it happens, I'm pretty comfortable about my body and what suits me, but being a small size is no insurance against insecurity. Yes, people are arseholes towards plus size women, but there is often a failiure to recognise that it is just as rude to pick at slim people in the same way, commenting on what they eat, what they wear, how they look, their effort at personal care, words like "skinny" supposedly being compliments.

Anyone can have hang-ups, whatever their size.

Whatever your motivations were, it isn't right for her to say anything as how could she know how you or anyone feels about themself. I kind of see as her trying to shame you for seeking outside input. Everyone has hang ups to some extent, skinny or not and they may not be comparable.

For me I have hang ups whatever size I am. Size 6 pre child days I was rake but didn't care so much but I had ridiculously small boobs and looked like a child/teen. Post baby naturally carried weight up to a size 12 - 11st ish, went down to an 8 at 8.5 ish stone again no boobs or real shape. I am now 10 stone ish size 10-12 with lovely boobs but the rest is out of shape, I hate it. There is no happy medium for me tbh.

If I share pick about a dress I am wearing to see if it is nice and nice on me then naturally I am going to hope for good comments but the hang ups will still be there.

@Igotthemheavyboobs, spot on!

the truth is if you are slim but lack confidence you are most likely the only person in the room judging you on your weight. That's bollocks. We get called too skinny, people say we look ill, get called names like anorexic/bullemic etc. And I find multiple times a week multiple people will comment on what I eat/how much I eat, get told I must be eating chocolate for show! However when I was fat I hardly had any rude comments to my face, never got told I must be eating a salad for show etc.

I completely agree with you op. I have to work consistently to stop myself being overweight (i'm occasionally slim, usually a bit overweight and sometimes plain old fat). I've got a pretty good figure regardless and i dress it carefully. I feel confident in myself most of the time. When I go too big though it does get me down.

My sister however is tall, leggy and two body types; slim and very slim. She has loads of body hangups.

What is even worse is girls can be so unkind about her.

"Yeah she's skinny, but don't worry, you're way hotter" why would you say something so mean? She's never suggested otherwise, people are assuming she thinks she is great.

"Why would she be worried, she's skinny. She has it easy!" Just ridiculous.

Overweight ppl are judged constantly by society. So no it is not the same thing. If youre slim and dont like one body part about yourself you can hide that. If your fat you cant hide all of you! And being constantly judged for your body is different than having large feet or something where no one gives a shit about.

the truth is if you are slim but lack confidence you are most likely the only person in the room judging you on your weight.

I would have to completely disagree. My weight has never been judged or commented on as much as it has been since I've been underweight.

being constantly judged for your body is different than having large feet or something where no one gives a shit about. isn't it about how people feel about themselves though? Which affects their confidence which this thread is about. Some overweight people are happy with their bodies.

And, if you don't like something such as your feet or your nose there isn't anything you can do about it (apart from something like plastic surgery). Whereas many (obviously not all but I daresay a majority of) people can do something about being overweight

I truly believe people of all shapes and sizes can have body confidence issues. I don't think anyone suffering with this would ever put a photo of themselves onto a public website and ask for opinions, then share said thread with people in real life I have to say whilst I agree with the title of this post, I also agree with this statement. You might possibly post a photo on an anonymous site for advice but you would never show it to someone irl. Plus if it was full of compliments then you probably were showing off/looking for further compliments from the colleague.

I totally agree OP.

As a late teenager, I used to get called names of hunger strikers and I still remember it.

Still to this day, people think it’s ok to call me stick insect by people who are no stranger to the dessert trolley.

Ah I've found the thread in style and beauty. I don't know what the OP was thinking showing it to a colleague! She was clearly showing off. From the start of the thread it seemed as though she wanted compliments. Also mentions her breasts a lot but the photo has been deleted "due to a colleague and some other issues. 100% bigging herself up to the colleague but of course no mention of that

Showing the thread was the highest form of boasting imo.

Linky @WaterOffADucksCrack

Op it was a bit weird to show your friend a thread of people saying you looked good in a dress. It is hardly a reach for her to say that it was boasting, though she could have just politely kept her mouth shut. I saw the thread but didn't comment as i had nothing productive to add.

There are some separate issues going on here - obviously YANBU to state that any person, regardless of looks can feel insecure and lack confidence, confidence is how you FEEL about yourself, which has nothing to do with how you look at all. Weight in particular is not the be all and end all of a persons looks and being slim is not the panacea to achieving confidence.

I think you probably dropped the ball and took it too far by showing your friend OP but not sure why you are getting such a hard time overall, it's hardly a big deal is it. God forbid someone was pleased that they got told they look nice!

I agree that there’s a tendency to judge people who are overweight. But people are very free with their passive aggressive comments when you’re skinny.
I grew up convinced that there was something wrong with me, that I had an eating disorder, and that no man would ever find me attractive.
I have a healthy bmi and no food issues. And I’m very aware how lucky I am. But random strangers think nothing of telling me that I’m too thin, look ill, need feeding up; waiters, fitting room assistants, strangers at bus stops. I’m pointedly excluded from conversations about food and weight (and never allowed to talk about my own problems, eg struggling to keep my weight up when I was breastfeeding) and then there’s the unrestrained glee when people spot a flaw (omg have you seen her stretch marks!)

I’m not suggesting that I have it harder than someone who struggles with their weight, but I’m not the enemy, and I have feelings too.

I wear a size 8 and I think I look massive, unattractive and hate my body, the only difference between me and a bigger person is that when I dare to express my feelings I get told I’m fishing for compliments, am daft, stupid etc. a bigger person does the same and it’s ‘you’re stunning hum’, ‘real women have curves’, ‘you wouldn’t suit being skinny, you’re amazing’ blah blah blah.

Hun*

YANBU. In fact, the status quo to me seems to be now that 'men don't like skinny women, men like curves, stick thin women aren't real women and are unattractive' which as a very slim person (as a result of numerous medical anomalies) makes me feel like shit.

I also resent being picked on for eating a Mac Donald's and 'still being so skinny you bitch' because it wouldn't be ok to comment if someone overweight was eating one

@esmerelda1988 . I do sort of agree. Plus I have hashimotos which normally makes people gain weight, but I’ve been exactly the same weight for about 6 years now.

A woman I work with is very overweight and it’s all ‘because of her thyroid’. She said to me my thyroid issues must be very mild or even maybe I’m getting mixed up and that’s not what’s wrong with me, because thyroid problems HAVE to mean you’re big.

Having people openly suspicious that I'm anorexic or if I'm seen to eat a lot, bulimic, has made me feel incredibly self conscious about things like going to the loo after a meal. I think it has got better than my teens and early twenties though when people made a lot more comments, and not working in an office anymore where I would eat lunch in front of others helps!

I agree with @esmerelda1988. It seems to be the new thing to slate skinny women, at least that’s what I’ve noticed. I’ve also had people contact my family as they’re concerned about how underweight I am, which hasn’t been very nice

Won’t your colleague know this thread is about her?

Yes very true. I have a long standing ED to be fair but I'm never good enough ie in my warped mind thin enough. I don't think if other ppl in this way.

Overweight people are judged in a way slim people are not.

Overweight people are judged in a way slim people are not.

Agree, but skinny people are judged in a way overweight people are not. If you're not overweight, you wouldnt understand. If you're not skinny you wouldnt understand. Thats the crux of this argument; theres a lack of understanding from either side.