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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this normal?

22 replies

Noconceptofnormal · 02/02/2020 20:24

Not sure if IABU.

Had a family get together today, and sent a message to dh's niece and his sister asking if their partners if they'd help move some furniture whilst they were here (we don't know either partner that well, they've been a couple of family gatherings before but they're both very nice and able bodied etc).

This was not a big job, maybe 10 mins at the most and didn't involve any really heavy lifting (could have done it ourselves but obviously easier with a couple of extra chaps).

Dh has got annoyed with me that I didn't tell him that I was going to ask them, basically doesn't want me contacting his sister / niece about things like this directly and thinks it's an odd thing to ask people to do who we don't know very well. He said I should have asked him first.

To put this in to context we are both flat out at the moment with work, small children and he often works long hours and is not here in the evenings so I don't see him to have casual conversations about this and that. I was just trying to get something sorted in a long list of things we've got to get done at the moment.

Also for context, he also got annoyed when I got in touch with his niece and sister directly to make arrangements for Christmas and says he wants arrangements with his family to go through him.

Was IBU?

OP posts:

CalmdownJanet · 02/02/2020 20:28

Your dh is being weird, yanbu

comingupafterthebreak · 02/02/2020 20:35

He's an arse.

Hepsibar · 02/02/2020 21:03

Just making a mountain out of a mole hill isn't he. Is it a trait?

Thehop · 02/02/2020 21:05

I wouldn’t ask favours like that of people I didn’t really know but your dh is a test to insist you don’t contact his family direct.

Winterwoollies · 02/02/2020 21:17

Why does he require contact with his family to go through him? That’s not usual at all. Is he a control freak? Does he attempt to control anything else?

SeaToSki · 02/02/2020 21:48

Very strange. When you marry someone I think you operate as a team, not two individuals

FudgeBrownie2019 · 02/02/2020 21:52

YANBU it's odd that he doesn't want you to have your own relationship with his family and would worry me a little.

notanotherjigsawpiece · 02/02/2020 21:58

Sounds like he’s overreacted however I also think it’s odd to ask people you hardly know to move furniture, when they are coming to visit. I think in this situation I may have mentioned it once they were in your house “we need a hand moving some stuff - would either of you mind coming over some time to help, and we’ll treat you to a takeaway?”

OlaEliza · 02/02/2020 21:58

Does he expect you to buy presents and do cards for his family though? If he doesn't, he isn't really being unreasonable. If he does, he's a pisstaker.

dodgeballchamp · 02/02/2020 22:05

I think it’s odd you didn’t just ask his sister. Why does it have to be men moving furniture, assuming the partners are male? He seems to be overreacting but I can see his point, it wouldn’t occur to me to contact a partner’s family members before asking my own friends or family.

Elouera · 02/02/2020 22:05

I agree, its a bit odd to not want you to make direct contact with his family, but odd to ask people you hardly know to do work you said yourself you could have done in 10mins yourselves!

I learnt from my OH years ago, that suggesting a workman/handyman, another male can do a job, that OH is capable of, can come across as insulting to your OH. A bit like saying 'you obviously can't do this, so I'm getting another man to do it'. As a women, I'd see this as extra help, but to some men, its seen as saying they aren't able and a failure. I never saw it this way till OH gave his perspective.

SnowsInWater · 02/02/2020 22:10

I think the no direct contact thing is odd, but if it means you get to avoid the wife work that comes with being responsible for your OH's family and don't have to remember birthdays, buy presents etc. then I would probably take it as a win.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2020 22:11

I think if he's already told you he doesn't wish you to contact them but go via him you should have respected it.

Whatever his reasons, he asked you already to make arrangements via him, so yes for me, it's unreasonable to then just do it.

If you don't like it, then take the discussion with him, but it's his family so don't go against his wishes.

Amanduh · 02/02/2020 22:13

If my husband wanted my mum/dad/brother to help us out with something, I’d expect him to give me a heads up first.

Original poster

Noconceptofnormal · 02/02/2020 22:50

Thanks all, useful to get feedback - yes he is controlling about other things (in my opinion) so I start to find it difficult to know what is normal...

But clearly quite a few people agree with him so he's obviously not being completely unreasonable.

To clarify, when I said it was a 10 min task, I meant for dh and two blokes. It would have been a fair bit longer if just dh and I, esp as I'm only a few weeks post partum so have some back issues, hence trying to avoid this task. Same reason I thought the partners could help rather than women, but maybe I'm being sexist.

No he gets his own family presents.

Obviously from now on I'll just not bother to message them about anything, not worth the agro... I guess after being married a decade these people were kind of my family now, and he has texted my mum in the past about practical things so didn't see this as any different.

Thanks all.

OP posts:

northernknickers · 02/02/2020 23:03

Blimey 😨 I've just messaged my son in law to ask him to help me with a few jobs. I'm now thinking that this has crossed some line, and I ought to have gone through my daughter first...🤦‍♀️. I didn't realise there were rules about adults contacting other adults 🤷‍♀️

coconuttelegraph · 02/02/2020 23:07

Don't worry I think it's only on mn that able bodied men sit around while women move furniture, no one I know in real life would ask women to do heavy lifting when men were available at the same time in the same place.

Whynosnowyet · 02/02/2020 23:08

Does he do all the 'wife work' regarding his family? Gifts /cards etc? If not he does now.....
Imo..

Cherrysoup · 02/02/2020 23:13

I’m not liking the controlling comments you’re making, OP. What else does he do?

Tbh, tho, I’d never dream of contacting my DH’s family and found it bizarre that his mum used to ask him to get me to phone her. He wouldn’t dream of phoning my mum, that would be weird! I think different families have different ways of doing things.

RedRed9 · 02/02/2020 23:28

Same reason I thought the partners could help rather than women
Have I read that wrong or are you all a few weeks postpartum?

Original poster

Noconceptofnormal · 02/02/2020 23:30

Hi red, no it's just me that's a few weeks post partum. I meant really that men generally find it easier to lift furniture than women.

OP posts:

Chewysmum · 03/02/2020 07:40

I would have asked the men too, nothing sexist about it, simple physical strengths.
But I agree that your dh sounds very controlling and after 10 years marriage I would expect you to be messaging his family yourself, not going through him.
I see nothing wrong with what you did, the only thing that I see wrong is his attitude towards you, he's acting as if you're his mistress not his wife.

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