To start backtracking about children after 5 years of infertility

[AliceAbsolum]

4 IVF cycles, 1 miscarriage (recent), and I'm starting to think that having children is actually, a terrifying idea.
We have 2 embryos frozen (together) so I'm terrified about a high risk multiple pregnancy.
Read a few threads about regretting kids and for the first time in this 5 year desperate battle for children I'm thinking that maybe it's not right for me.
How can I go through the anxiety of pregnancy again?
Not sure I want the anxiety of loving a tiny human so much. I wanted my last pregnancy with all my heart and soul and it died.

I like sleeping.
I want to travel more and experience life... Life's been on hold for so long with infertility, constantly planning for IVF and maternity leave and it never happens.

DH is miffed and can't really understand why I'm having cold feet at this point.

Not even sure what I'm asking.

Is it a now or never decision? Could you agree to take a break for a bit and then restart?

Don't make any decisions until you have finished grieving following your miscarriage. Then, if you really don't want to risk it, then you are perfectly within your rights to say no and start to move on with your life.

I spent 10 years ttc, four rounds of IVF, four miscarriages. Looking back, I wish I'd stopped after the first one.

And in the meantime. Don't forget to live.

I wonder if this a protective response because there’s such a real possibility of it not working. I’ve definitely been the place where convincing myself I didn’t really want kids was easier than accepting I’d never have them.

Has your clinic got an in house counsellor?

Fertility treatment is HARD. It's understandable that you're having a wobble and I think only time will tell whether your feelings are a response to your recent miscarriage or whether you'll continue to feel that way.
Could you have some counselling via the fertility clinic?

It’s ok to change your mind, or decide you can’t do what you’ve been doing anymore. Sorry for your losses, wishing you strength whatever you do.

Take a break for a couple of months. If you've been doing ultra healthy living with no alcohol or caffeine then relax it. Go skiing or on a city break. And then see how you feel.

Fertility treatment is gruelling. It's a treadmill. Get off it for a little while - or a long while if you have time on your side.

It's totally shit, (8 cycles of IVF, a lost twin, complicated and risky pregnancy, two full miscarriages, twisted ovary, ohss twice, multiple ops and hospital admissions in), so I get it.

We have a 2.5yo from our fourth cycle and I'm currently pregnant (and constantly shitting it about things going wrong) from our eighth.

You have to draw the line somewhere. Pursuing IVF has done a lot of damage to my physical and mental health, but it has been worth it. It is YOU that carries all the risk and suffers the side effects. What you DH feels and experiences is tiny compared to what you go through. Harsh but true. The decision needs to be yours.

You can have a wonderful life without kids.

You can take a break and think about trying again later (age permitting).

Can you thaw and transfer one only? Refreeze the other embryo if quality is still good enough. If you do any further rounds insist they freeze embryos separately. I've no idea why they put them in together, it's bloody stupid!! (Incidentally, my successful (so far) pregnancies have all been from dual transfers).

And if you do get pregnant, prepare for a bumpy ride. Post IVF and loss it is really difficult

I feel for you OP. I'm 40 and never been pregnant. Last 6 months have had two failed IVF cycles....only got one blastocyst to transfer, no eggs at all in second. Have spent the weekend in bits and ready to chuck the towel in altogether and we have only been trying since 2016, and only done the two IVF. And like yourself, am now questioning seriously if there is any point pursuing this further. It is so hard isn't it?

And with every respect to men who want to be fathers, so much of the infertility burden falls on the woman in the relationship. The needles, the drugs, the invasive procedures. It's horrible.

So no, YANBU to question the situation. I am at the point where I am going to look into counselling before going much further. I hope you have this as an option. There are no easy answers at all. Sending you love and the knowledge that you are not Lome in your thoughts. This shit is very hard to come to terms with.

It is understandable for your DH to be a bit disappointed, but he isnt the one going through the physical side of IVF which is so difficult.
Can you tell him you dont want to stop trying altogether now, but that you need a break from it. Take 6 months or a year if you have it. Do some other things, drink and eat whatever you want, take a holiday and reconnect with your husband. Then see how you both feel.

How old are you?

I think you are having a (possibly essential) bit of a shutdown following your MC. I think you may have come to the end of the road, emotionally and mentally, for now.

I would consider having a year's break and yes, doing some of that travelling and sleeping. Then reassess.

Thank you all. I think a break is needed - but then I worry I'm just putting off the inevitable.

I'm 35. But frozen embryos mean time is on our side. Donor cycle, so egg age not a concern.

Can't really thaw and transfer 1 as its SO expensive for storage and travel (non UK clinic). Plus we had 4 years and 2 cycles with not a sniff of a bfp, so feel like 2 is wise in some ways.

I'm going to look into counselling.

it is hard to go through IVF, but I am so very happy we did. I always wanted to have kids and when they got here it was even better than I expected. I enjoyed it even more, than I thought I would.

Now they are 16 and 12 and they are sweet, intelligent, funny children who don't mind helping around the house and both my husband and I still get hugs from them. I always thought that my DH and two of my oldest girlfriends were the only to persons in the world to really get me. But now two other people get me too. They accept my nerdiness and like some of my nerd favourites too.

Have you considered any further investigations or treatments which aren't done as standard but worth trying once things have failed a few times?

Injectable progesterone
Clexane
Aspirin
Endometrial receptivity testing

Are an things I'd consider in your position

It sounds sensible to take some time OP

Steroids too ...

@KatnissMellark
Last cycle threw everything at it:
Injectable progesterone
Clexane
Aspirin
Muscle relaxant after transfer
Antibiotics
Plus steroids
It worked! Over the actual moon. Hematoma grew between the baby and the womb. MMC at 9 weeks. No aspirin next time as this is a risk factor.

@AliceAbsolum sounds like you may have found a formula that works? Sometimes I think some of us have to be in the wrong side of the stats...it takes on average 3 transfers tog etc pregnant from IVF so stands to reason it will take some people morw than that. It is totally rubbish, and miscarriages are so so hard, especially after IVF but in your circumstances I'd probably give it another shot.

I felt this way after my second miscarriage. I already had children but I decided that I didn’t want another one and was definitely happy with the children I had. Tried to convince myself of the fact for a while, looking back it was purely self preservation. I had another child in the end and I’m glad I did.

I had 4 fresh rounds of ICSI and 5 transfers in total. After round 3 I had a miscarriage (early at 5ish weeks) but it almost broke me.
I said to my husband I needed a break and we took 6 months to live our lives again. I drank and ate what I wanted for a few months and went on holiday.
We also did extensive investigations with Mr Ramsay at this stage for male factor.
We had our son from our fourth round, and I am currently pregnant with a frozen embryo from the same round.
Take a little time to work out what you want. My husband would have moved immediately onto the next round but he recognised and understood that my mental health was fragile and I needed time.
Counselling was great for me.
Good luck x

@AliceAbsolum I do this all the time too. I hope it's normal! I think it's maybe that we have time to really think about the negative side to having children that others don't because they're already pregnant.

We've been TTC since 2015 and having IVF since 2018 and for the most part it's become a way of life for me to quietly think to myself that we've had a lovely Sunday morning lie in that we wouldn't have got if we had a baby/toddler/5year old etc so I'm not drowning in sadness all the time and wishing.

If someone said to you that you could be pregnant tomorrow and have your baby by Christmas I'm not sure you'd chase them off. I know I wouldn't either. We're protecting ourselves and trying to find some peace and enjoyment with the cards we've been dealt.

Yep l am feeling like this myself so l can relate to it. The whole trying to conceive / IVF has involved lots of sacrifices, discomfort, missing out on things. Having children / being pregnant would be more of that realistically. Increasingly l don’t know if l can be bothered?

It’s all well and good you husband being miffed but physically it’s been so much harder for you. I’m bored of people saying “it’s not MrEL888’s fault that he can’t do it”. It’s not fault either that the IVF burden mainly rest of me and lm sick of feeling ill!

@MrsC2018 true with fertility issues the whole baby / children thing is over thought. Whereas most people are lucky; decide they want a baby and get pregnant relatively quickly. Rather than spending a world of time and money trying to do it, while thinking about it all the time

We have had a lot of 'why are we doing something stressful, expensive and damaging to my health/our relationship, which is successful will lead to something stressful, expensive and possibly damaging to my health/our relationship' type conversations over the years, and at different times one or other of us was more keen to push on than the other. It can feel very counter intuitive.

YANBU
I felt this way too after a bit with IVF and we didn't even get as far as a pregnancy. The emotional rollercoaster can just get too much to stay on it.
So we stopped IVF, recovered and took stock.
Later on we decided to adopt.