Long time lurked but I've seen people get support here and I'm hoping I might be able to get some responses to how I'm feeling.
When I was younger my parents used a boy in his teens to babysit me, when I was 9 years old he started to hug me and put his arm around me on the sofa which I was watching TV before bed. He then began following me to my room when I went to bed, lying on top of me on the bed and then started to kiss me, a proper kiss like you would do as an adult which I didn't understand. He would watch sex scenes from films in the TV in my bedroom and a lot of what he used to say I don't remember but he would always tell me not to tell anyone.
He told me if I said anything to my parents he would tell them I smoked. I was a really naive girl when I was younger and I was more scared of my parents reaction to my smoking than of him. Over time I got more scared of him though and my parents when I told them asked me not to behave to strangely. He kept babysitting until I was in secondary school. He was in the last year of 6th form in the same school when I started my first year.
My parents are middle class and very concerned with keeping up appearances so I was asked not to talk about this or discuss it with anyone. Looking back I realise they chose to ignore what I think could be classed as sexual abuse and when I was 18 I confronted them and asked them why they didn't help me. My dad sat me down and said "shit happens. It's not like you were raped and even if you were loads of people are and they get over it, like you will". They refused me any psychological help when I asked during my teens because they said people would always look at me and know I was a 'head case' and I would never get a job.
I have always had severe anxiety and that first year on the school bus I could feel the sweat pouring down my hands, legs and torso. Strangely, I developed some feelings for him when I was younger which always confused me but I understand now that can be a symptom of fear. I have always bitten my nails and fingers very badly which massively embarrasses my parents. I moved out when I was 18 and had a good life, good fun, friends and boyfriends and I am now married with a child.
My parents have gone travelling for 6 months and have left instructions to sit at the house to look after their dog and oversee the gardeners and window cleaners and run errands. We run our own business and our child attends school where we live in another town. It's not ideal but we agreed to it as they wouldn't have been able to go travelling otherwise.
But today, when running an errand for them locally, I saw the babysitter again. He hasn't been here for years but his dad still lives here and he must be back now, I feel frightened, sweaty and nervous like I did all those years ago.
I told my husband straight away and he knows the story- he is great but not a counsellor and I know that man can't hurt me now but I am struggling with the way I feel now. I have sought counselling for this issue before, in my mid 20s, to deal with those feelings but I suddenly feel like a 9 year old girl again and I'm quite overwhelmed.
Sorry, what an essay, any words of comfort would be extremely welcome. Thank you