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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Love bombing or is he just immature/confused?

23 replies

RosesFlower · 02/02/2020 13:48

I have been with DP for 2 years. I have 2 DC, he doesn't have any.

When we first met he was very clear about what he wanted from life; he wanted someone to share his life with, understood the responsibilities that came from long term dating a single parent. The first 6 months he did make a lot of grand statements, such as he would 'sell his house and buy one near me for us to live in', 'he wanted us to be living together within a year', 'could see us getting married and having children, wanted a future together.'

Then our relationship took a nose dive because he began saying that he wasn't sure about moving here, he'd be giving up his house, his easy access to his friends and family. He didn't know if he was ready to give up that part of his life yet. He'd have us living with him in a heartbeat but wasn't sure he was ready to give his life up yet. For context I live around 60 miles from his town. I am not prepared to move in with him and disrupt the DC from their schooling and friends/family. This obviously upset me a great deal, he'd already met DC by that point and they were beginning to grow fond of him.

We split up just before Christmas. A week after we split up he then came back to me saying he loved me and the DC, he'd always known of the sacrifice he'd have to make to be with us, but needed to know I was on board with his friends, family and life too. I told him I would be supportive of him, we could go and see his friends/family on the weekends and stay there during holiday periods. There was no need to sell his house, which frankly was a silly suggestion, he could move into my rental property and we could trial living together before making any drastic decisions. We decided a good time for him to move in would be the Easter Holidays.

Yesterday I had a conversation with him about the upcoming Easter Holidays and how he was feeling, and he said he didn't feel like he'd ever be happy living here. He would be giving up and sacrificing too much by coming to live with me and DC. He'd have us living with him tomorrow, but wasn't ready to give up his life yet. It was too much for him. I said that if he wasn't prepared to make any sacrifices to be with us then we should split up, so we have.

I feel so upset. I have been messed around over and over again. Apart from all of this he really is an amazing partner. He is great with DC, amazing to me, generous, has a stable career. But I want more from the relationship, I don't want to indefinitely date someone who might never commit to me or DC.

OP posts:

Gamble66 · 02/02/2020 14:07

Just a bit of a twat?

CakeandCustard28 · 02/02/2020 14:10

Sounds like it’s his way or no way! Next!

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 02/02/2020 14:12

These two statements don't make any sense...
"I feel so upset. I have been messed around over and over again. Apart from all of this he really is an amazing partner."

Cut your losses and break up. No-one should mess you about like this.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 02/02/2020 14:14

He sounds like he couldn't find his own arsehole with a mirror and a map. Great fun if your young, single and child free, but otherwise he sounds a bit flakey.

BoneyGrowthFeet · 02/02/2020 14:14

No. This guy is not good for you or your DC. Selfish and unreliable. Not on your side. LTB

ludothedog · 02/02/2020 14:15

You're incompatable. He's been very clear with you about how he feels. Don't try to force a compromise as this way heart break lies. Cut your losses and move on.

Original poster

RosesFlower · 02/02/2020 16:07

I know he has messed us around. Worst still he’s made promises to DC. I just don’t understand all the promises made at the beginning, then more promises just before Christmas after we’d split up over this.

I had a very similar situation with my ex before current DP, with ex being flakey and unreliable, I explained all of this at the beginning and of course got promised and reassured that he wouldn’t be like that etc.

It has put me off having relationships, either it’s straight out dishonesty at the beginning to reel me in, or not thought through properly before feelings and children are involved.

OP posts:

AlwaysCheddar · 02/02/2020 16:10

Just get rid.

saltysally · 02/02/2020 16:12

He knows you won't move OP so he is free to say that without any fear of you committing. I don't suggest calling his bluff but if you had he would have found a new excuse.

timetest · 02/02/2020 16:15

After 2 years I would expect to have a clear view of the future. He doesn’t seem committed.

WaggleWiggle · 02/02/2020 16:20

You aren’t his experimental sounding board for him to test out his whims and fancies until he changes his mind yet again.

He isn’t willing to make sacrifices to be with you and is willing to lose you rather than make them.

Sounds like he’s trying to convince himself it can work...until it’s time to implement the plan and then he listens to his gut and knows it’s not what he wants.

Cherrysoup · 02/02/2020 16:29

If he can’t decide between you and his home town/family/friends, then you know what you need to do.

KC225 · 02/02/2020 16:46

I can see his point though. You aren't making any changes (aside from moving him in). He would be giving up a lot and making all the sacrifices, even if moving into your rental property. But that is what happens when you date someone with schoolage children.

I would say he missed you when you separated and probably does love you but he can't seem to make the final push to make it happen. I don't think ultimatums will work with this one - he has told you how he feels twice.

Perhaps it is time to end it. Maybe look for someone closer to home - him too.

Good luck OP.

Original poster

RosesFlower · 02/02/2020 16:51

I do feel like I am making changes though. I’d be moving him in with DC which is a big change for them and for me, it’d mean splitting our weekends, spending a lot more time in his home town then I or DC would normally. Being understanding of him not taking part in activities with DC and my own family sometimes because of his want to be with his friends and family. I wouldn’t expect or want any money from him, if he wanted to spend an evening in his house he’s welcome to.

I’m not making him an ultimatum, I just don’t understand the messing around. One minute he ‘knows the sacrifice and is prepared to make it’, then when it looms closer he gets cold feet whilst still proclaiming he loves us all and wants a future with us.

OP posts:

TwoHeadedYellowBelliedHoleDig · 02/02/2020 17:18

Where's the love bombing? All i see is a man who wants it all his own way. Hes happy for you to give up your house, your school places, your friends but it's too much for him to do the same? Except he doesn't have school places and children to worry about of course, so it's all words. He doesn't want to give an inch, because he's not that into you. He'd like to string you along for a bit longer though.

Original poster

RosesFlower · 02/02/2020 17:43

Yes that is a good point. If he was as in love with us all as he claimed to be, he’d be prepared to at least give it a go rather than lose us all.

OP posts:

dodgeballchamp · 02/02/2020 17:46

He shouldn’t mess you about or say things he doesn’t mean or can’t follow through on, but I don’t think he’s a total twat for not wanting to distance himself from friends and his job etc. Those are really important things and I wouldn’t give them up for ‘love’ if it meant I’d end up somewhere with no friends or support network. However I wouldn’t say I’d do it. He shouldn’t have made promises he couldn’t keep. You’re also not unreasonable to not want to uproot your children. Can’t you just keep things as they are, visiting each other in your respective towns, and reassess moving in when the kids are older?

Original poster

RosesFlower · 02/02/2020 17:57

He wouldn’t be distancing himself from his job because it is easy to get to from either location. I’ve suggested moving closer to him, but he still says he wouldn’t be happy. It’d have to be his home town. My DC are young, it’d be years and years before we could reassess and in that time I’d like to have more support and the possibility of more DC.

OP posts:

dodgeballchamp · 02/02/2020 18:15

In that case it sounds like you want different things. He isn’t unreasonable for not wanting to leave his hometown (although maybe a bit narrow minded as I never understood people who never want to leave theirs) and neither are you for wanting what you want. Compromises will have to be made on both sides if you want to do the whole moving in and having more kids but it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to make any. Bin him off then.

VodselForDinner · 02/02/2020 18:41

Why would you settle for someone who sees being with you as a sacrifice?

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 03/02/2020 11:53

I was going to say cut your losses to OP. You don’t want to waste any more time on him. See also sunken costs fallacy:

time.com/5347133/sunk-cost-fallacy-decisions/

Techway · 03/02/2020 12:05

I think it is often around the 2 year mark where it is make or break so not unreasonable. I also think the fact that one or either of you would have to "sacrifice" is the issue as that puts too much pressure on the relationship and could cause resentment. I don't think sacrifices are healthy before commitment.

I wonder if this is the issue with OLD, higher chance of meeting people further away which works for dating but not for long term.

Urkiddingright · 03/02/2020 12:11

Both of you would have to make a sacrifice in order to live together. Both would have to move 60 miles away, he would have to sell his home and presumably commute to work plus he far away from his support network. You would have to uproot your DC from their school and again, commute to work and live far from your support network. I just don’t see how it would ever work without one of you making huge sacrifices and life changes which neither of you seem to want to do.

I also think he’s getting cold feet about being tied to a woman who already has children which understandable although he obviously shouldn’t keep messing you around. I’d personally just end things and move on.

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