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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not click with boyfriend's sister

63 replies

Treetop5456 · 02/02/2020 13:32

We've been together 5 months so far (still new) but i just feel i havent clicked with his sister.
I'm 25 and she's 26 but i find her "bossy",
It always feels like she's having a go at her brother (my boyfriend) for little reasons,
For example,
He got a new job and had to go to an induction day, the day he was supposed to look after his baby sister (who is 15) and her first response was "i have a party that day, what am i supposed to? I cant babysit" rather than congratulation,
Boyfriend's car broke down when he was supposed to be picking up his baby sister (15 yr olds)from his sister's (the 26 yr old's house) about an hour away so he rang sister to let her know and she ranted about how she has a meal to go to and cant believe he cant pick her up,
I was then on the phone to her whilst he was speaking to AA, boyfriend told me to tell his sister to let his 15 yr old sister get the train home (it's a simple train, just straight home, and the train station is next to her house),
She snapped at me and said "im not letting my 15 yr old sister get the train home" and then hung up,
She brought the sister home and had a massive argument with boyfriend.

There's more but i find her a bit much!

OP posts:

MollyButton · 02/02/2020 14:21

I would think hard about this relationship to be honest. These people sound OTT (sister and parents), unless the younger sister has SN or other health (mental health) issues that you haven't mentioned/don't know about.
Do you really want these people in your life? Is it really worth the hassle?

MollyButton · 02/02/2020 14:22

My 15yo DD wouldn't be put on a train on her own either.

My 15 year old would - and I know a lot of 11 year olds who commute everyday by train.

MerryDeath · 02/02/2020 14:25

why does it matter? one of my DHs brothers is an utter twat (everyone else seems to love him, but he rubs me up the wrong way big time!). I'm in a relationship with my DH, not that idiot. i just do my best to keep my distance, and ignore him when that fails.

VioletStorm101 · 02/02/2020 14:27

@Dragonembroidery he has family commitments yes but his car broke down!!!
He hasnt dropped his family because im there - what's that got to do with him being put down after he got his job and his car breaking down

And i've seen plenty of teenagers on tbe train so i dont think we were unreasonable to suggest it, we were trying to think of solutions

VioletStorm101 · 02/02/2020 14:27

Sorry, name changed because i'm on another thread for a missed period which i'm worried about but im the original OP

onanothertrain · 02/02/2020 14:31

It's not your job to think of solutions though. Leave it to your boyfriend to sort and if he wants to talk about it then you listen.

Apolloanddaphne · 02/02/2020 14:34

I think Dragonembroidery is part of this dysfunctional family!

What does your boyfriend say about his family?

DartmoorChef · 02/02/2020 14:35

For God's sake, what sort of a snowflake is this 15 year old. At that age I was travelling from Manchester to Exeter on the train alone. I was babysitting not being babysat. I was working part time 3 nights a week and every weekend.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 02/02/2020 14:39

I can see why his DSis was pissed off if they'd agreed to share care of the younger sister between them while their parents were away and she's had to cancel plans twice because your BF couldn't hold up his end of the deal. Her reaction sounds OTT though and he can't exactly be blamed for his car breaking down! I can also see her point about the train thing, although again it sounds as though she handled it badly. I would be happy for my own DD to get the train alone at 15yo but if I was looking after someone else's 15yo I wouldn't be comfortable putting them on a train unless I knew their parents would be ok with it and that they'd done it before.

Maybe your BF's DSis is just a bitch. Maybe your BF has form for being flaky and unreliable when it comes to family commitments. You haven't been with him for long enough to really understand the family dynamics at play here and I would be interested to here his Dsis's version of events.

Poppinjay · 02/02/2020 14:39

Should he drop his family just because you're around now.

@Dragonembroidery, please indicate for us where the OP suggested that he should prioritise her over his family or have you posted on the wrong thread?

MrsAJ27 · 02/02/2020 14:43

They sound like hard work.

Greenwingmemories · 02/02/2020 14:47

I'd think I'd let my child down as a parent if they couldn't spend a bit of time on their own at home or catch a train at fifteen I used to get the bus or train to school on my own at nine years old. It was fine.

So do the parents never, ever normally leave the house together then or get the siblings to babysit? I find it strange the idea of babysitting a fifteen year old when round here they often actually do the babysitting.

It sounds like the parents' fault and it's their responsibility to look after the younger sister. If they're that controlling they can't let her be on her own for five minutes they shouldn't go away, not palm the responsibility onto their grown up children.

Having said that, the two sisters shouldn't be shouting at their brother. He sounds like the family scapegoat.

EmeraldShamrock · 02/02/2020 14:51

It is early days with you as a couple. You've no idea the family dynamics, she may be bossy or he could let her down regularly.
I'd stay out of it keep your opinion to yourself for now, time will tell if she is naturally bossy or fed up being the family organiser.

BumbleBeee69 · 02/02/2020 14:52

Sorry, i dont call her "baby sister" in real life,
I was trying to think of a way to distinguish the 2 sisters

I thought this obvious OP.. not sure why anyone else wouldn't

your BF's elder sister is a bullying TWAT... I'd be keeping my distance from her...

Booboooo · 02/02/2020 14:54

Does the 15 year old sis have special needs?

TheHouseWithTheBambooDoor · 02/02/2020 14:57

@Apolloanddaphne same thought

messolini9 · 02/02/2020 15:00

But then she told his parents and he got in trouble for "leaving her home alone"

OP, this family has a weird dynamic.
How is it possible for a presumably mid-20's-plus man who has his own home to be "in trouble" with his parents?

Your b/f needs some expert guidance to help him see that he is trapped in FOG - outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt
He is clearly aware that all is not well in his relationship - his comment about his sister's reaction to his job success shows this.
But knowing that intellectually & escaping the burden of it emotionally are 2 very different matters.

You need to clue yourself up as well.
If your b/f doesn't want, or isn't yet ready, to address this, & you are serious about him, you are going to get sucked into this idiotic dynamic too, unless you & he get yourselves educated, present a united front, & learn strategies to help you cope.

I am sorry for the 15 year old.
She's being used as a pawn to control & berate your b/f with, & life at home for her can't be much fun.

The elder sister has likely learned her barking, selfish behaviour from their parents - & your b/f needs to learn how to stop leaping to her dog-whistle commands, & tell his parents to grow the fuck up & stop playing pass-the-parcel with the 15 year old.

LittleDragonGirl · 02/02/2020 15:03

The brother phoned them (in tears) about my husband leaving the cat alone for a couple of hours too long.

I'm sorry but I found this hilarious.. as a cat owner my poor kitty is occasionally left overnight (with automatic cat feeders and if it's going to be longer neighbour pops in to play with him) as he gets very distressed in a cattery. Its absolutely ridiculously thing to be in tears or cancel a holiday over

messolini9 · 02/02/2020 15:04

Thanks everybody, my boyfriend and I were actually on the way to pick his younger sister up when the car broke down so we couldnt fathom why they were hanging up the phone on us and having a go at us when we have no control over a car breakdown

Because dysfunctional people like this thrive on drama, & will manufacture it where it does not exist.

messolini9 · 02/02/2020 15:07

I think you are unreasonable.

What for, @Dragonembroidery - being shouted at?

& when are you going to allow your 15 year old to start learning how to handle using trains & buses? FFS no NT 15-year old should need to be "put" on a train, whether they are travelling in company or solo.

LimpidPools · 02/02/2020 15:08

I think "baby sister" might be quite telling actually - that seems to be how everyone in the family thinks about her.
Assuming no SN etc, there is no good reason why she couldn't have just got the train. It was direct and she'd have been put on and picked up from it! The idea that she couldn't do some unaccompanied sitting is ridiculous. This is what should have been happening anyway, and in the unforseen circumstances of a car breakdown was a completely practical solution.

But separately OP, YANBU to not click with the sister. It happens. It just makes family gatherings less fun!

elenacampana · 02/02/2020 15:11

You and me both! @LittleDragonGirl

Mamboitaliano · 02/02/2020 15:17

I find it interesting that your examples are all of your BF letting his sister down on things he's agreed to do. Sounds like this may well be a pattern with him. If he doesn't agree younger sister needs looking after then that's something to take up with his parents, but to agree and then let his sister down is really unfair. I think a LOT of grownup sisters get utterly fed up of being expected to be the 'family one' who will pick up the responsibilities.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 02/02/2020 15:18

Sounds like SIL, best way to deal with her is avoidance and do not step up to her dramas. But your problem will be dealing with your boyfriend being conditioned to have his sister calling the shots.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/02/2020 15:28

"I find it interesting that your examples are all of your BF letting his sister down on things he's agreed to do. Sounds like this may well be a pattern with him."

"letting his sister down" - what, by having to have an induction day for his new job (he has no control over this) or by the car breaking down (he has no control over this) - as opposed to her fucking social arrangements??

Are you serious?

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