To dislike my DH's friend?

[liverbird209]

My DH has a friend from childhood, and despite how hard I've tried, I just can't stand the guy. He comes to stay with us really frequently, and always drinks way too much. He's really loud and obnoxious. He's rude, always interrupting everyone, spends the weekend making bad jokes and bragging about himself. He makes snide comments about me being boring because I don't get smashed, and because I don't stay up til 3am.

My DH, who is normally a really considerate person, changes a bit when his mate's around - drinking much more than usual (which he always later regrets), not coming home til really late. My DH says himself he thinks his mate has a drinking problem.

I'm normally quite tolerant, but I find myself always losing patience with his mate. Because I force myself to be polite to him and his partner, I end up getting shirty with my DH. It's not his fault; my DH doesn't have that many friends, so I don't want to complain too much. I feel like I'm being a nagging wife. I just feel so frustrated that they're here so often.

AIBU? Am I just boring? Should I just put up and shut up?

If you don’t want to drink, don’t. Why should you?

I think your dh needs to accept that you & his mate aren’t keen on each other, and he should go and stay with him or organise boys nights out, rather than staying at yours so often.

Why do you have to host him so much/frequently? Your DH has the option of meeting him for activities, drinks etc without subjecting you to him if it's a regular thing in your own home..?

Suggest they stay elsewhere. Or pay for you to stay in a swanky hotel for the night...

It's a good point. Basically his friend and his partner live in a different country, and just invite themselves over a lot. They'll ask to my face whether it's ok to come on x weekend, and I find it hard to say no. They then just book their flights, and here they are.

Maybe I need to get better at saying no.

Send your husband to stay with them and make it clear he's welcome to but you do not want his friend staying regularly.

Let the friend stay in a hotel and decide if you will allow them stay at all.

I wouldn't be having rude, sneery people staying under my roof.

Kind of is your husbands fault though as he could stick up for you but doesn’t and repeatedly has someone he knows makes you uncomfortable stay in your house.

So the next time he asks so no we are worn out from visitors so we are not having anyone to stay for a while. You will invite him when you are up to it.

Basically his friend and his partner live in a different country, and just invite themselves over a lot. They'll ask to my face whether it's ok to come on x weekend, and I find it hard to say no

Tbh I really struggle on threads like this to not scream "just grow a fucking backbone and say no".

Seriously OP, do me a favour and just try it, one time.

Once you realise the world doesn't end if you just say no, life gets a lot easier.

Yeah you need to start saying no or encourage your dh to go see his friend without you

Do you have the room to host. Could you be less welcoming. Get rid of a bed etc.

Agree with dh how often is acceptable to host someone you don't actually like and if they ask more than that then dh says no.

When they come tell dh what your expectations are, that they pay their way, you'll drink when you want etc.

Write the word ‘something’ in your diary for every weekend in the future.

Next time he asks about a specific date reply that you’ll get back to them if it is ok as that date rings a bell, you’re sure you have something in the diary but you can’t remember what. As you obviously don’t want to double book you’ll get back to them with better dates or if it’s just you that is busy then maybe your dh could visit them for a change as it always seems to be them that come over...

That way you haven’t said a flat out no but you’ve given yourself a chance to push the date out as far as possible and to send dh on his own too.

Once you’ve managed to interrupt the process a few times it will be much easier to say a flat out no some of the time...

Agree with Coffee.

This is ridiculous. Start by telling your husband that you don't want this boorish twat in your house and let him make alternative arrangements.

If that doesn't work, the next time his mate asks you just say "No, that doesn't work for me" and go about your day.

No way would I continue to host this man.

Oh liverbird, what a pain in the arse!
AIBU? YANBU
Am I just boring? No. Since when were drunks exciting or interesting, except to fellow-drunks? Either way is fine with me, but if the whole gang's not on the same page, the more sober people can have a very boring time of it. And it is distinctly irritating to be told off for not joining in enforced merriment & boozing.
Should I just put up and shut up?
No. It's your home too, & this "friend" is actively insulting you in it.

Because I force myself to be polite to him and his partner,
Rookie error liverbird.
Of course the instinct to be polite to our partner's chums is there, & it's fine to grit your teeth now & then, but this is now frequent enough for you to need to come here & vent, so you need to change this!
I am old & robust, have seen it all before, & would have no problem responding to any snide remark from the boorish friend with a resounding "& you can fuck off with that tone in my house mateyboy".
You may find that too strong, but you need to start registering your displeasure and -
I end up getting shirty with my DH.

• you need to get DH onside ahead of doing so.

It's not his fault; my DH doesn't have that many friends, so I don't want to complain too much.
Not his fault - but how is it not his responsibility to speak up when Mr Boor disses his own wife in her own home?
I'm of the opinion that no one needs friends like this no matter how sparse their xmas card list - but that's not the issue.
If your friend came round & made snide comments to your DH & called him boring to his face, wouldn't you be upbraiding her very sharply?
Then why is DH not doing this for you?

I feel like I'm being a nagging wife. I just feel so frustrated that they're here so often.
Who has inculcated "fear of nagging" into your head OP?
Stating your preferences & needs is not nagging.
Having to say something repeatedly is not nagging if you are only having to repeat because your listener is refusing to hear.

Woman up, & TELL DH that Mr Boor's snide remarks are unacceptable, that you feel his visits are too frequent, & that you are feeling pressured & put upon in your own home.

They'll ask to my face whether it's ok to come on x weekend, and I find it hard to say no ... Maybe I need to get better at saying no

It gets so much easier with practice OP.
For the first one, try "no, I want that weekend just for DH & me".
Don't prevaricate, don't apologise, don't explain & don't justify.

The old MN classic "no, that doesn't work for us, but XXXdate would be ok" is a good'un too.

At least they are asking - not just expecting to rock up.
Take them at their word - they are asking permission, you have NO obligation to grant it. At least, not as frequently as they wish.

These are all such excellent suggestions - thank you all so much for listening to me, and sharing your thoughts. Can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I love MN!

Could you be less welcoming. Get rid of a bed etc.

This isn't the first time I've seen "get rid of a bed" as a viable solution to a CF houseguest problem on MN. [grin

Sure, 'cos that'll stop them wanting to stay, nobody has fallen asleep on a bed or a sofa before!

& what does OP then do when she wants to welcome her own friends & family to stay?

"Sorry, I have just set light to the spare bed, so you can never visit again", said no-one, ever.

The previous bed-get-ridder actually suggested the OP should move her 2 spare beds for the duration of the CF's proposed visit.
After all, who doesn't have ample bed-hiding facilities adjacent to their home, or not enjoy the sitcom-worthy hassle of removing then re-installing large items of furniture?

I can scarcely believe that for some folk, that scenario is easier than saying "no".

("nobody has fallen asleep on a FLOOR or a sofa", that should have read)

Think on this: you're tying your self in knots to even possibly slightly offend them by saying no, but Pig Man is quite happy to slag you off for being 'boring' to your face, in your home, while eating your food and enjoying your hospitality.

He sounds like the classic misogynist as well as pig ignorant (funny how the two go together so well!) - as far as he's concerned it's your DH's home he's visiting - you're just the little woman - he doesn't feel as if he's even your guest.

Start saying no. And start making it very subtly clear that you think they're coming too often and are rude.

'Sorry we are just worn out with visitors, it seems to be all the time at the moment. Hang on, you last - um - invited yourselves - when was it - only five weeks ago? Eeek didn't expect another conversation like this to be happening so soon! Can we get back to you - so much on in the next few weeks - it's exhausting! Hahaha maybe we should invite ourselves to come and get waited on by you next time, I could do with the rest! I'll get DH to call you ok?'

Plus - talk to your DH and make it clear you've had enough of being slagged off by your own guests and you want to start seeing them Much Less Often. He may have only a few friends - but even so, these are ones that he could do without by the sound of it.

He makes snide comments about me being boring because I don't get smashed, and because I don't stay up til 3am.

Oh and this would go down like a lead balloon here - can't believe you're continuing to feel you have to be polite to someone like this. Make a similar 'joke' of it in return, at least! Come on woman!!

'Blah blah you're boring (sneer)'

''And yet somehow you can still bear to invite yourself to be our guest, stay in my home, accept our hospitality on a really really regular basis! (sarcastic smile) I suppose I can't be doing TOO badly eh? Just think, if I was super interesting we'd probably never get a break from you visiting at all! Hahah only joking' (with a face that says you are totally not joking).

YANBU, I wouldn’t be hosting him so frequently if I were you.