To think he’s being unreasonable?

[RexMyDarling]

My dd was born at 26 weeks with brain bleeds on both sides of her brain. My dh has epilepsy. My dd has been diagnosed with a possible epileptic syndrome.

My dd does dancing, she is 5 and in the summer when she was 4 she was part of a show at the local theatre. She had lots of fun but it was hot and she stayed up very late (11ish) as it was a one off we allowed it.

The next day she had a complex febrile fit that lasted 1 hour, she ended up in ICU and breathed in vomit. After the difficult circumstances of her birth both me and dh were devastated and totally triggered by this event. Dh has been diagnosed with PTSD as a result of this event and I think I’m prob the same.

Dd has carried on with the dancing and we have made a decision not to cut back on her activities as dh was made to avoid things as a child because of his epilepsy and we don’t want her to feel the same frustration. Also she has only had one fit and even though her brain waves suggest an epileptic syndrome she has remained fit free for 7 months.

We decided to take other precautions. She had a rest day the day before and we only allowed her to stay for the first half of the show so she was in bed earlier. (Late nights are one of DH’s triggers for a fit)

I have just asked dh if he would spike her morning drink with calpol to ensure that she doesn’t have a rise in temperature that precedes a fit. She refuses to take all medicines so the only way to get her to take anything is to trick her.

And dh has just screamed at me that he won’t do it because he ‘won’t drug our child’. To me I want to do everything to prevent even the tiniest risk she may have another fit and a little bit of calpol is a sensible choice.

He has completely over reacted and won’t listen to my arguments or to my point that how will I forgive him if she does have a fit.

Due to my disability I can’t get to the drink before him. And now it is too late as she has drunk it and will refuse anything else - I don’t want to upset her by insisting as I know it stresses her out and will make a fit more likely in itself!

Am I right that he’s being U? A small one off dose of calpol just in case is not ‘drugging’ our dd?

Calpol is still just paracetamol, isn't it? Does he refuse to give her other medication?

YABU because while Calpol might help lower a temperature due to a fever there's no evidence it can help avoid a rise in temperature due to physical activity. That's not what it does and not what it's for.

Also YABU for using this "my point that how will I forgive him if she does have a fit." to try to manipulate him.

Although talking about "spiking" her drink is uncomfortable. It's a bit of an odd choice of words if you're not trying to create a sense of doing something untoward.

there's no evidence it can help avoid a rise in temperature due to physical activity

The physical activity was yesterday though, so it would literally be a random spike in temperature as a result of the late night and her brain being over exerted by less sleep.

OP YANBU and your DH is being a drama queen. One dose of calpol would not do any harm even if it’s not needed or doesn’t work.

Was it her own exertion that caused her to overheat or the environment being hot or another factor?

I know people sometimes take paracetamol before a painful procedure for example, but I'm not sure it would work for what you describe.

Have you looked at other adaptations in terms of layers of clothes, cool drinking water, taking regular breaks outside if it's hot inside...? Whatever is appropriate.

If your GP hasn’t suggested calpol as a means to reduce the potential for a fit, why do it? The other steps you’ve taken seem to be enough

Given that you’re deciding upon yourself that calpol will reduce the potential for a fit and given your DH has had to live with epilepsy, I would think he’s better placed to understand the slipping in something not medically needed. So I’m sorry, in this instance I don’t think your DH is being unreasonable.

You mention you’re disabled and to a point where you can’t prepare a drink for your DD. This seems to suggest your DH does the majority of physical aspects of caring for your DD (please forgive me if I’ve got that wrong). If this is the case, I’d suggest working together with DH on what you both want to do for DD as this type of situation would likely crop up more in the future. It won’t be good for your relationship in the long term if you can’t agree and you’re asking him to do things/make things for DD that he does not agree with and therefore won’t do.

Calpol is still just paracetamol, isn't it? confused Does he refuse to give her other medication?

Yup it is!

And no he doesn’t! But then she never really ever has other medication. It’s incredibly difficult to get anything like that down her so we mainly avoid it unless it is desperate.

And yes the temperature worry is not from physical activity but just that she might be harbouring an infection like she was last time.

And sorry for using the word spiking - I just mean putting it in her drink.

YABU.
Calpol is not to be given "just in case" without proper medical advice.

This infuriates me, people administering medication to their children when they don't need it.

Yes, I understand you're worried about a fit, but just keep an eye on her. My DD has had convulsions thanks to high temperatures. I don't go around "spiking" her drinks with Calpol ffs.
My DS1 has had an absence seizure. No idea of the cause. I'm still not drugging him up "just in case"
I am completely with your DH on this.

@HerRoyalFattyness dramatic much?
It was one dose of calpol, once.
You’d have to give it all day every day or a whole bottle before it would even do anything resembling slightly dangerous.

My DS aged 3 once managed to get hold of a bottle of calpol and drank the whole thing. Took him to A&E and they weren’t even remotely concerned. The doctor said there’s such a tiny amount of paracetamol in it that it will cause no damage whatsoever and just to monitor him in case he got sick or became lethargic.

I hardly think 1 dose, as a one off, as a precaution would do any harm whatsoever

Sebastien working in a. Nursery I've seen children whose parents have done nothing but give Calpol for the slightest thing and then when the child has ended up extremely ill and we've had to phone an ambulance for them because we can't get their temperature down, paramedics have told us it's overuse of paracetamol.
I've seen this 6 times in 3 years of working with babies.
It is ridiculous. We shouldn't be having to have babies rushed to hospital because parents dose their kids up "just in case"

@HerRoyalFattyness it was once dose, once.

Yep. But if OP is willing to do it once what's to say she won't do it again and again and again?
So yes. Op is being unreasonable.

@HerRoyalFattyness who’s to say she will?
There’s a lot of bizarre projection in your posts.
She was taking a preventative measure to a very specific set of circumstances

And if she decides that her DD doesn't get a temperature or have a fit so it must have worked?
So she continues to do the same thing in the hopes of preventing it again?

And it isn't preventative at all because you can't prevent infection with paracetamol and that's what OP said she was worried about. Infection causing a high temp and fit.

I'm not projecting anything.
I'm saying op is being unreasonable for wanting to do something so ridiculous.

And what if it was a one off?
I think you’re being ridiculous

Well that's fine. You think that. Believe it or not, people are allowed to have differing opinions. I know that may come as a shock, but not everyone agrees and that's fine.
But OP asked for opinions and I gave mine and explained why I felt that way.

And even if she did give it as a one off its ridiculous because it won't do what she wants it to.

I know it's a scary situation for you, but if you think your DD should have medicine as an anti epileptic drug to prevent seizures, would you

A. Ask her consultant/neurologist
B. Decide on calpol and dose her yourself.

I don't mean that to sound harsh as I understand you are very worried. Has her neurologist discussed triggers and preventative measures, if any, with you? I agree the calpol could be a slippery slope as you may think it "works" and keep doing it (and again, I can understand how you would!)

Is she due a review appointment? If not I would ask if you can have one and specifically discuss triggers/preventative measures and AEDs. You'll get better advice there then you will get from AIBU on MN, that is for sure! (Anyone giving you medical advice on the back of this is also very unreasonable themselves )

I know your question was DH unreasonable not asking for medical advice as such, but the issues are the same. He is of course unreasonable to scream at you but you are also unreasonable with this:

"He has completely over reacted and won’t listen to my arguments or to my point that how will I forgive him if she does have a fit"

It will not be his fault or responsibility if she has a seizure and it's awful to tell him that it is.

Could you sit down and discuss it calmly together and make a plan to see her neurologist to discuss the above, if you think that's best? (If he usually screams at you and is generally a knob, perhaps start a different thread, I'm going on the basis you normally get on well but are both stressed).

I hope you have your mind set at rest. It is scary (I have epilepsy which is not controlled at the moment and often have the feeling that I'm "waiting" for seizures!)

I think instead of arguing like this, I'd ask a doctor if what your suggesting would actually make any difference. If it would I'm sure he would be in agreement to do it. If it doesn't then clearly you shouldn't request it again.

I don't think DH is being unreasonable about the carpool. I don't agree with giving kids medication unnecessarily and I'm not convinced it would have helped in these circumstances? Maybe you could ask for specialist advice about that.

However, it sounds like he overreacted massively. Does he often scream at you about such a minor thing?

Calpol not carpool, obvs.

It’s very unfair to say you’ll blame him if she has a fit. That’s no way to communicate in your marriage.