AIBU to be quite so laid back about education in early years

[ThankgoditsFebruary]

I had always assumed there were many parents thinking a bit like me but I'm not so sure any more!

I tend not to worry about how DC are doing in infant school as long as they aren't behind in the expected targets. I think it matters more that they are happy at school and happy learning. The rest will come in time.

I don't read the school books as often as we are asked to. DC2 isn't keen and reading becomes a chore which seems a shame. But we play a lot of games and try to incorporate learning in a fun way. I also read every night for quite a while and my youngest will read bits of whatever book we have on the go. My eldest who can read independently reads at least an hour every day, often more so it hasn't hindered him long term at all.

I think it is easy to be relaxed about school if your children are

• meeting expected targets
• happy at school
• happy learning

I agree "Teen*
I've come across parents who have been very relaxed. Then their second (or third) has started who isn't as "top of the form" material and they've suddenly turned into pushy parent from hell.
It's very easy not to worry, when there isn't anything to worry about.

I think if your child isn't struggling then you have exactly the right attitude

But op, what else could a parent do? You already sound very invested and interested in?

You can't force a child anything really, I'm not understanding your post.

It's alone easy to be relaxed if you trust the school and the teachers.

If you have a good grip on what they should be doing, where they should be, what to do if they are not.

I'm the same. My son's in year 2 and don't really like the amount of homework he gets. He's still a child and needs time to relax and play after a long hard day at school. I'm not going to force him to do the piles of homework set etc. But i admit he is on target for everything so I don't have anything to worry about to try and make him study more.

I’m sort of the same. My DS is in reception and I’m happy for him to be happy and excited about learning. The rest will come when it needs to. (And I will help him if he’s struggling in the future). Otherwise I love that he’s getting some great experiences and coming home happy and talking about his day (if pushed) he’s making friends and likes his teacher.

The only thing I would say OP, is that if you have the misfortune to live in a grammar area, keep your eye on the ball with respect to prepping for the 11+.

I know parents who are so keen for their children to excel and are extremely pushy yet I’ve met parents who make little to no effort. I believe parents should be in the middle of this.

My son is 8. He has autism and learning difficulties. He is behind his peers but as long as he’s making progress at his own rate it doesn’t bother me that he’s so far behind academically. (He’s in year 4 and working at year 2 level). Reading and home often don’t get done as he point blank refuses. The school is aware of this issue. He is doing well considering he didn’t speak until 5.

My daughter only started in September. I actually no idea if she’s on par with other children. She absolutely loves school, seems to be enjoying it all a whole new experience for me as DS doesn’t really enjoy school. Again, she’s making good progress. Even if she isn’t where some of her peers are her own progress is more important. She also went into school as the youngest in the year group so naturally there’a going to be big differences in abilities in her class!

I don't think you're being unreasonable. My kids are in lower school and I don't feel the need to be pushy. They're both distinctly average and that's fine to me. Most weeks they'll get a few spelling wrong, maybe get an award or certificate a couple of times throughout the year but certainly aren't making the newsletter every week, they do one extra curricular each, I rarely if ever hear issues about their friends but equally they're not uber popular and invited to every party... I love the ethos of their school, I really trust and like their teachers. I'm honestly not that interested if my kids are top of the class or not. I want them to be happy overall and not just excelling in one area.

Ones who were ahead at start stayed ahead when DD was at primary. Reception had 2 groups, none from the bottom group passed grammar school test at start of yr6. Being able to read well certainly got DD off to good start and I did make sure she read, had appropriate level books. I wouldn’t say I was pushy but I was involved.

WeSavedSally my approach is completely at odds with nearly every other parent in DC2s class. Eg, parents wanting to know how to get their child to the next reading level, asking the teacher for higher level books, going to parents evenings with lots of questions. DCs dad and I had a bit of a moment of wondering if we are getting it right or letting DC down not to be pushing things a little more. I wonder if it appears to the teacher that we are disinterested rather than relaxed.

Teen - we specifically moved out of a grammar area.

I agree with the pp who said easier to be relaxed if your child is doing fine . It became apparent in year 1 my Ds had Sen’s... so yes I had to become more focused to get his needs met.

I would love to be a parent who just turns up at parents evenings but that is never going to be the case . My Ds is year 8 last phonecall from teacher was Thursday.

I think so long as you are spending time with them during the early years - reading to them, take them out and about, letting them have experiences etc then you are doing all that's needed. They are at school long hours when they are little and doing the less academic stuff at home is good. They need to be balanced and have interests that aren't necessarily on the curriculum. In the early years some children are ready sooner than others for the more sit down academic stuff but most catch up if they are allowed to do so at their own pace.

My son is in reception and I don’t read with him as often as the school want, in fact have had the early years coordinator call me to complain about it. I think it’s nonsense to force them at such a young age and believe this can cause them to hate learning. I have older ones too and every year they seem to push at at younger age.

I also play lots of games to teach whilst it still being fun - he will read when he is ready and I really don’t believe he will be further behind in the long run. So many countries don’t even start this forceful education until they aren’t they 7

I always did the reading (although mine were happy enough to do it I wouldn't have turned it into a battle) but nothing extra (beyond things that are just parenting e.g. reading bedtimes stories, having conversations, having craft suff available etc).

To be honest my eldest was very much ahead academically, years ahead with maths without me doing anything etc but had all kinds of problems settling into school. I would have been over the moon if he had just been average academically but happy and settled.

My oldest cruised through the primary years
I was relaxed with the second. To the point that I failed to realise she was dyslexic and wasted years of education that she never truly caught up.

dixie statistically the bottom group in reception would likely be the youngest and yes they are unlikely to all catch up at all and certainly not be 11+ age.
Which is why setting etc isnt a good idea really at primary as it would prevent youngest catching up.

I dont see a problem being laid back. But
-doing well does give them confidence
-By ks2 those sats are used for predicting gcse grades

• at our school dc who didnt meet expectations at ks1 didnt meet them at ks2 either.

I think for success the most important is probably having a child that listens in class and can learn in that environment.

Dd1 is very bright but doesnt learn well in the classroom, easily distracted, large class. And 1 min 1-2-1 is worth whole class lessons.

I think teachers get set into thinking who is good or not early on.

Awkward it wasn’t on age but ability. Mix of ages. Small school only 2 groups in reception. Was mainly for phonics. By being ahead of the curve reading wise the good early readers all seemed to stay ahead. I did reading chest with mine for 2 months over summer between reception and yr1 and she really progressed. 11 plus in our area is age weighted so a September born needs higher than a July born score to pass.
Just my observation based on dds class. Those ahead early in schooling stayed ahead. All children from similar economic background.

But op, what else could a parent do? You already sound very invested and interested in?

This.

OP, you are doing all they're asking and more. If you're still worrying about it, just check in at parents' evening and I am sure they will tell you so.

I know a few people who are incredibly conscientious about making sure they do exactly what school says. To a person, they are all people who are worried they wouldn't know what to do otherwise - people who had difficulty at school, or who didn't get much education, or who have bad memories of parents not supporting them. I have am in this boat, too - I struggled though a lot of school as I'm dyslexic, so I am primed to be anxious about my DD and I always want to do everything right.

I'm also aware that I had a lot of stages when I was happy and happy learning, but I then struggled hugely. It's not easy when you know that feeling happy and confident at school can turn into huge difficulties in the blink of an eye. I want to feel confident for DD, but I know that things can shift so quickly, so I find it hard to settle into telling myself the chances are she's absolutely fine and she won't struggle the way i did.

I wonder if it appears to the teacher that we are disinterested rather than relaxed.

Do you mean disinterested?

I'm engaged but not pushy. DS1 wouldn't have SEN diagnoses if I wasn't switched on and engaged, but being pushy would do him no favours either if I tried to be perfectionist over the reading targets and the spellings and the times tables and the homework. He's spent 6 hours masking through a school day, dealing with things like the pain of holding a pencil, the frustration of spelling his name wrong. He doesn't need a lengthy list of school baggage spilling into home life.

He reads. He reads for pleasure. That is a victory in itself. His reading record doesn't reflect the full truth, and it will look scanty if I'm reading a novel to him (that he intellectually understands but would really struggle to process all by himself)

School is a part of education. We do a lot. We learn for the love of learning. He does quite a bit out of school (non-competitive, solo sports and scouting) and that does support his in-school life. He needs time to chill. He needs time to do things like watch documentaries to fill his brains

I've been a teacher. I recognise tickbox-arse-covering-OFSTED-pleasing. I help out a lot in school so the teachers know I'm on side, and they know I know the system even if I don't play it perfectly. I'll defend his corner and get his needs recognised, but I'm not all for pushing and pushing on. In fact, at this point, in some ways it's better if he holds back in some ways so the extent of his difficulties are recognised as he struggles with consistency. Ultimately he has intelligence and general knowledge to do well through the school system, but he needs gently guiding through the foundations that are tougher to him to keep him switched on for the long game.

DS2 is a simpler character. Generally bright, less entrenched areas of struggle. My principles still stand.

I think it is just about right, I don't think the early years are that important as long as children are engaging at their own level. My dc hated school for the first few yrs and she didn't start learning to read until p5. She couldn't and wouldn't engage at school or home so I didn't fight it at home as her happiness was better. Following an asd and adhd diagnosis the support in school stepped up in p4 which is what has helped her. She went back after last summer and just started taking to learning to read and actively tries to read at home now, she read my a meg and mogg book the othernight. She is yrs behind on reading level but I am happy for her but I won't push her further than she wants to go as it would be counter productive.

P7 upwards is when it gets real imo, before that is just laying foundations.

I think a lot of parents can tie themselves up in knots for nothing.

However, I do think...making sure they do practice holding a pencil properly is invaluable.
We did this always, be it writing a few lines in a copy or colouring during weekends or holidays... penmanship is huge.

My children are all great readers because we always read a bit of something they liked...even for 5-10 minutes a day.

By the time they were 8-9 they had taken off and are voracious readers.

The key IMO to getting children to read and love it is to get them to read just one step below what they are capable of while they are young... The thinking being is that they always feel they are great at it.

I have 4 children that all just adore to read.

I don't care what rubbish/genre they are reading...they have a book in their hand...they enjoy it...that's all I care about.