Losing my temper

[PlanetSlattern]

I can't stop losing my temper with my children – mostly at weekends. It's making me miserable (and it's not much fun for them, either).

I have two children, both at primary school (younger end). I work full-time and so look forward to spending time with them at the weekend. We have a lot of fun together.

However, despite repeated good intentions (mine), they always drive me crackers (fighting, back chat, whining about what I've cooked) and I end up screaming at them. This leaves everyone feeling sad and guilty – and of course makes their behaviour worse.

I know I'm being the child here. I know the problem is with me for being unable to shake off feelings of resentment and self-pity. I know I need to be the adult; I just don't know how to stay calm consistently and move on from disagreements without holding a grudge.

I hate having to be the grown-up all the time.

You sound like a child to be honest

Try reading Five Deep Breaths by Genivieve von Lob, it's brilliant. I feel your frustration but, yeah, you are the grown up (sorry) and it's your responsibility to sort this. You've taken the first step here, you can definitely get on top of it. Good luck!

When you feel yourself getting frustrated or angry, as long as they're safe, go to another room and take 5 minutes to calm yourself down.
Then go back and deal with the issue calmly.

I hate being the grown up too but unfortunately it's something we've got to do

Early nights are the only way to living a semi normal life in our house OP. It stops a lot of the next day whining.

Do they stay up?

send them up to bed now

Same - I'm at the end of my tether and concerned my kids wont look back at 2019/2020 fondly if nothing changes asap

How much sleep do you get? I find this makes a massive difference to how shouty I am.

Apologize after you shout at them. Also explain what made you mad so they understand.

Since your DC are young, make a chart with hash marks, for their behavior and for yours. Green hash marks for good behavior, red hash marks for bad behavior, for all three of you. (Red hash marks for them for the behavior that makes you mad, and red hash marks for you when you shout.) Come up with something they/you either get or lose when they reach a certain number of green or red marks.

@Stressheadme123 ironic username considering. Also, if you can't say anything nice...

OP, if you've posted about it, you've made the first step. That's good.

Over the next week or so, really look out for the triggers on both sides - what gets them hyper and fighting, when they ignore you or answer back, what's going on when you snap etc. Look for times of day, is either party hungry/tired/bored etc.
If you can identify any patterns you could plan some tactics to take a step back - OK, dinner's not for half an hour so who fancies a banana/yogurt? Right guys, let's have a 10 minute tidy, winner gets to choose what we watch afterwards!
Are you getting stressed by chaotic routines or mess/clutter? Read threads on those issues. Are you planning enough time out of the house - it can get stir crazy if you stay inside all day together. Are you getting any downtime yourself?
The other thing to reflect on is family history - are there any scars still having an impact on the present, maybe unconsciously?
This is fixable with a bit of work, I bet you anything

@stressheadme123 I acknowledge that. I was honest about my feelings/failings in the hope of finding a solution.

Thank you all for your very kind and helpful suggestions. I will be putting them into practice today and will have a look for the book.

@CircleCircle I hope this thread helps you too.

I feel you. I regularly feel the same. (4 year old is going through a stage of peeing everywhere! ) just take yourself off for 5 minutes and calm down, eat some chocolate in secret and then take yourself back into the situation you’ll feel less angrier and more calmer.

@PlanetSlattern
I was talking to a preschool mum who's finding it tough with just one DD, and I've got 3 very different kids 100% by myself and one is learning disabled and volatile. So i try not to hate on myself.
Tough tho

@twillow being stressed doesn’t automatically mean you “scream” at your kids all day...

Screaming very temporarily makes you feel better but it really isn’t great, OP.

It’s frightening when they are young and it just leads to a lack of any respect when older.

@Stressheadme123
Nowhere does the OP say she screams at her children "all day". She's posted honestly and self-critically, looking for ways she can address her behaviour. I think that's to be congratulated. None of us are perfect, and that includes you.

Planet, i think you need a reframe. Instead of seeing the kids squabbling, trying (and failing) to stop it, then joining in with the screeching, try something else.

Look at each situation as it happens, and wonder what could change to make it better. You don't need to exert authority, or make them behave. Just change what is happening.

You could... send one on an errand. Suggest a game. Ask one to help with something. Ask what they want for dinner, or what to watch on tv, or where to go next.

You could laugh at them, and wonder out loud if they are having fun.

My personal favourite- watch a cat (or other silly) video on your phone, chuckle loudly and wait for them to drop everything and peer over your shoulder.

@Stressheadme123 does being stressed make you read things that aren't there?

Try magic 1-2-3 OP.
It's a very successful strategy which would be effective for you.
It's what I recommend to my families at school. I also used with my own children.

To be honest, when they start squabbling, an urgent toilet trip can be the best place. Lock the door, put headphones in and ignore any wailing - you'll still hear a smash of glass, silence and then a high pitched scream with them in (and throwing one another out of the window is highly unlikely, anyhow).

Or try parenting them mitzi?

Knowing when to step back, rather than shouting, is parenting.

There are ways of dealing with it that aren’t either.

Apologize after you shout at them. Also explain what made you mad so they understand.

Isn't that a bit like putting the blame on them?

"Mummy lost her temper because you made her mad"?

That's an interesting perspective @Worra. I do always apologise for losing my temper and my default position would be to explain why. But yes, I suppose that apportions blame implicitly. Hmm.

I also love this: You don't need to exert authority, or make them behave. Just change what is happening. Thanks again to everyone who's posted.