AIBU to think some men are just useless with taking responsibility for their dc?

[ballyboy]

One of my friends DPs can not be left on his own with both dc..if we have a girls night out, one dc will be minded in grandparents.

We are trying to arrange friends hen party at the moment which we (the friends) had hoped would be two nights away, we all have kids and would love a weekend away together, but friend can't as won't have childcare to help dp yet his stag is abroad for three nights!

Yes, but also allowing it to continue is daft on the other hand too. Needs nipping in the bud

And the first reply blames the women for the men’s behaviour.

No, it isn’t normal, no it doesn’t need intervention by women, yes, the man can manage unless there is some massive backstory or special reason we aren’t privy to.

Unfortunately there are a lot of hapless wankers out there that shouldn't have children. If someone can barely look after themself, have the sense not to procreate with them or you'll be stuck doing all the parenting.

I think women are just more likely to settle.

Oh yay another thread blaming women for useless men 😒

Yes this annoys me. My friend's husband is like that. They took shared paternal leave (as she is self employed it worked out better financially) but in the end they had to employ a nanny and he basically had a sabbatical. They have 3 fairly easy going DC now aged 3-9 (so not breastfeeding or toddler tantrums) and she gets stressed if he's left alone with them in case there are issues he can't handle. He's perfectly capable of doing it, he maintains a management position at work and is very organised just can't be bothered dealing with his kids.

I think men are to blame for their own behaviour. I also think that some women are obsessively controlling over childcare, in the sense that if her partner doesn't do everything in exactly the way that she thinks best, she is reluctant to let him do it at all. And then a vicious circle happens of him refusing because he will only be criticised, are her being exasperated and exhausted because she is desperate for a break.

I'm absolutely not talking about situations where children's dads are not properly supervising them, and are exposing them to danger. More about insisting that nap time must be 2pm and it absolutely can not be 2.30pm. Things that are just a different way of doing things, not the wrong way of doing things.

I think procreating with a man is a huge gamble. You hope you’ve chosen a decent one, because when you’re in the deep end of motherhood floundering with a newborn, trying to survive on fractured sleep you’ll do what you can to survive in the short term. It’s disingenuous to suggest that women create these problems. Who has the resources to properly train up a responsible partner, and why on earth should the behaviour of another adult be any woman’s responsibility?

The thing is she seems to think this is acceptable. She just says he wouldn't manage on his own..

It's not about blaming women though is it but if your standards are so low that you let your dp walk all over you like this, then it's not going to change.

I dont think it’s woman blaming to acknowledge that lots of this poor Male behaviour happens because it’s allowed to happen. For lots of reasons- some of which being the women living with them never make them parent their children.

Men like this are pathetic. I have a friend who has a 5 year old, 3 year old and 2 year old and she can't have 1-1 time with any of the children at the weekend as her husband won't look after the others. When she comes on nights out he goes out as well somewhere else and they get a babysitter. He happily brags that he has never changed a nappy or given a bottle.

No idea why she had more than one child with him to be honest.

I don’t believe they suddenly become useless when having children.

If they are an equal partner pre children they are likely to carry on being one after. If they do little pre children then they are not suddenly going to change.

From what I've observed over the years, I think it comes down to wanting, really seriously, totally committed to actually wanting to have a child.
Most mothers and many fathers fall into that category; particularly those who've waited, planned, discussed and are both financially and emotionally prepared for parenthood...but sadly, there are very many men who just don't get it. At all.
Usually, they're entitled sorts, immature with issues of one type or another.
And very many women end up 'settling', because they really wanted babies and thought their partners did too.

My partner is the absolute best father I could ask for with our little girl. Even though he's older and would keep saying' we need a child quick, before it's too late!' we waited until 8 years in before having our LO, because I wanted to be 100% sure we were BOTH ready for it. If he had turned round and said, I'm not doing xyz, I wouldn't of said, yes you bloody well are! Tbh, these days, he watches her more than me! x

Just to add, he would love another, but I'm not so sure yet, that's how it works...both parties need to be in agreement, not have 2/3/4 kids before realising it's too much pressure!

No they choose not to give a fuck or take even basic responsibility, not only that but the adults around them who facilitate this behaviour or compound the idea that this is true are just as bad.

If an adult human (without deficits that require them to need care obviously) can live independently in the world, hold down a job, be mature enough to form and maintain an entire romantic relationship with another human adult and procreate with them then they can can provide basic care for their children for an evening without incident.

Even children can look after children without killing or traumatising them!

Everything pallasathena said.

Many women don’t do due diligence before conceiving. We see a lot of that on the relationships board here.

It's ridiculous. I overheard some women in a coffee shop the other day discussing their holiday they were planning. One was saying she could only do three nights maximum as her DH was useless with the children so her mother would likely be stepping in to help while she was away.

I'm divorced but my ex is great with DS and always has been, probably better than me when he was a baby as I struggled at that stage.

The men are to blame for their behaviour but again it shouldn't be facilitated. If I am going away I ring up ex and say "I am going away for these nights, can you have DS on X dates." That's it.

I do think part of this is also about carving out a little bit of exceptionalism for yourself. It's a natural thing; people do it in all kinds of contexts. I've known lots of people who hand in their notice at work and then go on and on about how the company won't possibly be able to function without them. And they really believe it! So if your kids are the big focus of your life, why wouldn't you convince yourself that you're the only person who could possibly care for them adequately? It's what makes you special, and if you happen to have bred with someone who doesn't really care about having a family or being seen as a competent father (or even loves you enough to play into your delusion) it's kind of a win win situation.