About my sister’s new boyfriend

[Lovingcup]

My younger sister has always lead a somewhat chaotic life, lots of different boyfriends since she was a teenager etc. She’s now in her late twenties. Granted, she was with her husband (the father of her kids) for a number of years. He eventually died as a result of long-term drug abuse and the children witnessed a lot more than they should have done, including domestic violence and the effects of their dad’s illness.

She then got together with another partner and he lived with her and her kids for a couple of years, then they split up last year and it transpired he was an alcoholic who hadn’t been that nice to her or her kids.

A few months ago she started seeing someone new. A bit quick in my opinion but not my business really. Shortly after, I found out she had moved him in with her and the kids and was livid, thinking about how much they have already been through. I’ve kept contact with her as I want to keep an eye out and make sure the children are ok and so that they know they can always stay with me if they need peace and quiet away from the chaos of the home.

Now to my aibu. I don’t know much about this new boyfriend and have no desire to beyond making sure my nieces and nephews are happy and cared for. Aibu to not introduce him to my own young children until I know he’s going to be sticking around? My kids are still asking about her ex and wondering where he’s gone and I just don’t want to confuse them further. My sister is pushing for me to meet this guy, saying he’d like to be introduced but I’ve said no so far. Now I’m wondering if it’d be the lesser of two evils to just have done and welcome him into the family so I can see how he is with my nieces and nephews?

Opinions much appreciated.

I’d meet him to see what he’s like, but I’d hold of introducing your kids to him for a few more months just because your sister moves quick doesn’t mean you need to if it makes you uncomfortable.

YANBU based on her track record. I'd be deeply suspicious of him based on the speed with which this has happened.

DP has a cousin who is similar: a string of unsuitable and often abusive men who she rushes into serious relationships with and encourages her kids to see as father figures very early on. She just lurches from car crash to car crash and you can see what effect it is having on the kids.

Meet him, but keep him at a distance until you know more about him.

Oh and he isn't part of the family yet, just her boyfriend. Don't let her thinking colour how you see him.

Can't you meet him but not introduce your own kids yet?

Thank you. @Hopoindown31 yes I do feel very suspicious of his motives. He has (older) kids of his own - I can’t imagine how they must feel seeing their dad playing happy families with someone he met five minutes ago. Your dh’s cousin sounds scarily similar to my sis. I feel that what you are all suggesting is the most sensible course of action, so I’ll say I’ll meet him but on my own. I’m planning a celebration event for my youngest son in a couple of months’ time - would you leave him off the invitation?

I make a joke of it with my friend, she has a quick turn around of 'i think this is the one' and for some reason always wants him to meet us as a family. I have now started saying, 'Not another UNCLE, I still haven't explained when the last one went'

I agree with the above posters, offer to meet him without your kids. Maybe offer to have her kids for the day/weekend on the guiso of giving them some alone couple time and maybe you'll get to see her children feel.about it all

Good luck OP

I'd meet him first to get an idea of what he's like. Then you can decide on whether to invite him to the celebration. The only way to get to know him is to be in his company. You should get a good idea. Your gut will tell you. He could be ok but it's understandable to be weary with her track record.

I don’t understand why you have said no to meeting her bf. I don’t see how this impacts your children either, it wouldn’t be much different to introducing a friend.

Do you dislike your sister? It sounds like you want to punish her for making bad decisions in the past.

You won’t know what this man is like until you meet him.

Going through a similar thing.

I have done a Clares law disclosure request on my sister's new dickhead. He is an abuser and the Red flags stand out to me a mile off but she can't see it.

I would meet the bf and see what you think. If you have concerns after that then you can check out his past on behalf of her. If something comes up it is up to her what she does with that info but at least she is informed.

Yup I agree - meet him without kids first (maybe go to your sister's or out for coffee) and then make your judgement. If she does pop over with him, just tell your kids that he's "Auntie's friend".

@TinyGhostWriter gosh no, not at all. I love my sister very much and she deserves a bit of happiness as much as anyone, it’s just that it does get rather wearing investing in these new men only to have them disappear again after a time. I don’t begrudge her some joy, just hopefully not at the expense of her kids’ well-being. And it affects my kids because they tend to get attached to people quickly and then are upset when they can’t see them anymore. Thanks for your input though.

@Juanmorebeer sorry to hear what’s happening with your sister. Hope it turns out ok

It's a two pronged approach... You obviously have to make a decision for your children as you have their best interests in mind. So YANBU to not introduce this new bloke to your children until you feel it won't confuse them more. You are obviously a caring parent so with time and explaining it to them they can adjust.

The second aspect is that as your sister has had chaotic/abusive relationships in the past you want to make sure your sister and children are safe. You need to be following the advice for any concerned friends/relatives and keep lines of communication open, so that you can carefully and sensitively monitor the situation and your sister feels that she can talk to you if things go bad. So yes, meet this guy, get a first sense of what he is like.... Demonstrate to your sister that you will accept her new relationship (even though sercetly you have a few concerns !)... Make sure she feels included and loved, but your family comes first and don't get into full family gatherings with this new guy if you don't feel comfortable !

God forbid this eventuality happens, but at least with maintaining contact if you do realise her children's safety and well-being is at risk you can seek help for their welfare even if your sister wants to stay in the situation.

"Sisters new Dickhead" made me smile ,even though this is a serious subject! Some people never seem to be content to be on their own ,and have to have a new "BF" even when they have children who may be affected by this .Dont get me wrong ,I think they are entitled to a love life but not when bringing them to live with them and DC too early!

Thank you everyone for your advice, it’s much appreciated. Sometimes you just need to run these things past other people to get a clear perspective! Have a lovely evening all x