To wonder why people can't just do what they want

[Orangeblossom78]

Why do people get so hung up on what others are doing and what is 'normal'. For example there are people asking how often they need to wash / what they need to eat for example. I don't understand why people can't just do stuff they want to without asking how others do it. It happens quite often on here about simple tasks for example. is it a kind of anxiety / need for reassurance? Surely it is quite easy to just do this stuff for yourself going by how you feel afterwards? Why the need to do as others do..

But yes op I agree, recently we have had a pregnant op who has a toddler ask if she can sit down and relax and watch TV.

Also the op who asked can they feed their children, beans on toast or egg on toast?

It's beyond sheeplike to ask for permission to deviate from whatever they consider in their heads to be the norm.

Names are mooted on aibu and name boards more for discussion than for permission. I hope anyway. As it boggles my mind that anyone would ask permission on what to name their child.

I like the opportunity to ask people what they think about baby names, I would have used it if I had known of MN when I was pregnant.
I would still have made my own decisions, but when you are thinking of names it is useful to know if near;y everyone else thinks your choice reminds them of old people, or if it has associations you are not aware of.
Also if you are brought up with nice parents you learn as a child how often to wash clothes and towels. If you have a neglectful home you don't learn that and can either veer towards being over the top, or too lax. So it is useful to know what is seen as normal.

Beans on toast or egg on toast is either someone who is very bored, very anxious, or so sleep deprived that they can no longer think.

I understand checking out about toddlers watching TV, because it is hard to know what is the right thing to do for kids. I used to really worry about TV viewing.

I like reading about others routines, jobs, choices, shopping and spending choices, income information etc but to start a discussion does not need to be framed as can I do this? Mumsnet is brilliant at discussing the mundane.

Too many are not discussing or mooting a point though, there are seriously asking for permission to deviate from the norm. Whatever the norm has been fed to them where they live and in the time that they grew up.

Love your analogy Getitwright

Fair enough on big social events to check out dress code, but just meeting in a bar mid week?

Have you never turned up to a social event and you are all dressed up and everyone else casual or vice versa and feel like a right twit for standing out like a sore thumb as you read the situation incorrectly?

Ah, you see I can see the point of consulting others on a baby names thread. It’s such an important decision, it’s good to know how others may react to a particular name (even if you go with whatever name you liked in the first place). The alternative is consulting people you know, which is problematic in all sorts of ways.

I was baffled by the help we dont have names threads when the woman is pregnant, not due for several weeks and plenty of time.

Yes!! The number of “urgent! Have no baby name” threads I’ve seen where you open them and they’ve 8 weeks until they’re due wtf is urgent about that?

Have you never turned up to a social event and you are all dressed up and everyone else casual or vice versa and feel like a right twit for standing out like a sore thumb as you read the situation incorrectly?

I agree that it's a valid concern but how can strangers help you get it right? Surely you ask the other people who are going or people who actually have some knowledge of the situation?

I am with the OP on this.

A lot of people take social media for what it is and join in for a laugh. But maybe Facebook is done now and we need something new.

Off to the brexit cleanliness food virus plague walking dead boards now.

All the best.

I think because sometimes people just want to compare notes. We all have people about whom we think "how do they make that look so easy" be it being healthy, or looking effortlessly put together, or having a lovely home.

I think your comment is coming from a good place but very naive indeed. We live in a society where there are social expectations. In some parts of the world the expectations vary - it's fine to wash once a week. Where we live it's not OK and people will treat you differently if they notice that you smell. Likewise you can't just choose a baby name you like without considering how other people will feel about the name because it will affect how your child is treated.

You may be the kind of person who is sufficiently confident to not mind how other people perceive you and you may work in a field in which this won't impact you but for the majority of people this isn't the case. If you smell at work it will affect how your colleagues perceive you and how your career progresses. It will impact your social life and if you're interested in having an active social life this is significant.

I agree that it's a valid concern but how can strangers help you get it right? Surely you ask the other people who are going or people who actually have some knowledge of the situation?

Of course they can help you! If they've been to a similar event they can advise you how most people there dressed. If they're more savvy about fashion and clothes in general they can give you ideas which would broadly fit into various scenarios.

It is just conversation. So many workplaces have got so busy. No paid breaks etc, so people chat on here instead of "watercooler moments". No one takes it seriously... or I certainly don't, just chit-chat.

I see it as discussion. Its interesting learning other people's points of view

Silly question OP.

If you're the kind of person who finds social situations easily then firstly you will naturally know the answers to these questions. You'll probably also have a fairly large social circle anyway so on the occasion you get things wrong it'll be much easier for you to brush aside negative judgements because you already have had lots of positive reinforcement socially and a varied social life anyway so who cares if this one particular group don't like you? If you're used to making mistakes socially and find it harder to fit in you're naturally going to be more cautious and more sensitive. It's just common sense surely?

Sometimes I like a different point of PoV on topics but I think people do ask the weirdest, most trivial stuff rather than listen to themselves on here.

With baby names- you're likely to get told honestly that Geraldo and Esmeralda-TallulahBelle sound better in your head by strangers online. Friends & family will either soft pedal it or it's easy to say "you've never liked my taste" etc. Mumsnet can be brutal but in a good way. If Helen, 42 from Gloucester admits that Esmeralda-TallulahBelle sounds like a Bob Geldof reject name and you will be laughed at, she's probably both correct and honest and telling you what everyone will be thinking & doing behind your back.

Of course they can help you! If they've been to a similar event they can advise you how most people there dressed. If they're more savvy about fashion and clothes in general they can give you ideas which would broadly fit into various scenarios

So if I ask you what I should wear to go out with friends to a pub the next town that I haven't been to before how exactly can strangers who don't know me, my friends, the pub we are going to or what I have in my wardrobe possibly give any kind of helpful advice?

Maybe if the question was what does one wear to the Queen's garden party you might get a valid response but I've never seen that, ime it's random social ocassions without strict dress codes. If you're going to an event with others

I can't imagine why you would choose to ask random strangers what to wear when you could simply check with the other participants but, hey, it takes all kinds I guess

@coconuttelegraph

Don't be daft of course people can help. They could even just google the pub name and give some advice generally about the range of outfits that would be worn on a night out in town. (Lots of people don't regularly go out and that's why they'd be asking).

If they're nervous about going out with a new group of people they might not feeling comfortable asking and asking on the internet is a zero risk strategy. It's hardly inconveniencing anyone is it - if you don't want to answer just don't answer.

I'm seriously surprised about how people like you have so little imagination that they can't conceive of people finding situations difficult just because you personally don't find them difficult. Or wanting reassurance or advice on things you happen to find straight forward.

If you haven't been to many formal weddings you may well have no idea what to wear and you obviously wouldn't want to bother the bride with that. Why on earth would it bother anyone for someone to ask a simple question on the internet?

It's not that I'm confident enough to never do this. It's just i know if i was to ask stuff like that on here I'd get hundreds of different replies which would just stress me out and make it worse!

Surely this is blindingly obvious. Lots of people are anxious socially and need more help with things like this than others. Why would it bother anyone if someone asks what they should wear to the pub/wedding/interview.

Obviously not all weddings/pubs/parties have the same dress code but you can still offer advice or suggest an outfit that would work fairly universally. Or just reassure the person. Obviously not all threads will be interesting to all people but that's why you just choose the ones which do interest you.

@Orangeblossom78 Surely on any thread you're going to get a range of opinions which you'll have to shift through. There would probably be a consensus though and you'd be reassured that at least a lot of people would think what you're wearing/doing is reasonable.

Haven't people always been like this?

In the past people might have spoken to their friends, family, neighbours, work colleagues. Social norms have long been discussed on tv talk shows.

With the internet now it just gives people more opportunity and a wider audience to discuss themselves things.

My guess would be that most people will just do what they want anyway, they're just after reassurance or even just curious. Doubt many people change their ways because of mumsnet.

Surely you could say the same about literally anything on AIBU? Everyone could just do whatever they want regardless of anyone else. The fact is most of what we do affects other people or will be judged by other people. You can all claim you don't care what other think but in reality humans are social animals and we do care. Nobody wants to turn up at a party dressed too casually/formally, nobody wants to make a fool of themselves.

@flirtygirl

The Op said “For example there are people asking how often they need to wash / what they need to eat for example”

The “what they need to eat” bit is where the weight is relevant.

I also find it a bit wet. It can’t be that hard to make a decision without getting consensus.

That said, I do start to wonder if I’m a bit odd when I read some of the threads. There was a woman a few weeks ago who posted a picture of a dress asking if it was suitable for a wedding. I thought ‘Bloody hell, no; you’ll look like a prostitute!’ Everyone else said it was lovely