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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get upset by toddler biting?

24 replies

Amimissingsomethinghere · 31/01/2020 22:44

Not really an AIBU but not sure where to post so excuse me.
My son has a friend (they are both 2) and the friend is constantly biting him and other children. I get on really well with the mother. We both work at the same company and live quite near one another. If we get a day off (usually most weeks) we see each other and we often see each other at Playgroup's etc. My son loves her son and they get on really well but it's getting awkward because after every play date my son has a horrendous bite.. usually it's very sore looking and sometimes his whole finger / hand swells up. They will be happily playing and then he will just got for it. She's a single mother and I know she struggles sometimes but this is getting out of hand. The problem lies with the fact that she doesn't really do anything when he does it. Because it's become the norm.. for example today he went for another child at the library group and stated biting her. My friend just pulled her son off and said no and oh I'm sorry he bites at the moment. I know I can't say anything and it's not my place but is this normal for a two year old and should I say something?! It's just getting awkward doing play dates as I'm scared my son will get bitten again! Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

BillHadersNewWife · 31/01/2020 23:46

I think you'd be reasonable to cut off the playdates because you can't/shouldn't keep putting your son in danger like this. It's very bad that the Mother doesn't react properly. She should speak sternly and remove her child from the area every time he bites.

Just apologising and saying "He bites at the moment" is lame as hell.

Serenschintte · 31/01/2020 23:57

It is normal. But not acceptable.
Ds2 was a biter.
Personally I would watch them like hawks and if you see him go for a bite step on quickly, remove your dc and say no very firmly to the biter.
But it might be easier just not to meet up with her until he is out of his biting phase.
Agree with Op that her reaction is lame and ineffective
When Dc2 would bite - and he once bit his brother on the back really hard - he was very much told off and removed from the situation and ignored him and gave dc1 a lot of attention and fuss.
It’d a frustration/needs more attention thing but needs to be nipped in the bud. If she isn’t willing to then I would just stay away

reginafelangee · 01/02/2020 00:03

It's a normal phase many toddlers go through.

You and his mum need to watch them like hawks to try to prevent it happening.

It will pass though. He's not bad. It's a normal phase.

x2boys · 01/02/2020 00:23

Well obviously his mum should be more vigilant and remove him when he does this but toddlers do ,do this your little boy could start doing it .

namechange1041 · 01/02/2020 00:27

Yes I agree nearly all toddlers will go through this stage and the best thing to do like other PPs have said is to watch them 24/7 when playing together.

The way the mum handles it is wrong though IMO. & if her child bit one of my DC and came up with that excuse then she would have got an ear full.
It's a phase yes, but that does not mean everyone else has to put up with it. She needs to watch her child constantly to avoid him doing it again and I think she needs to tell him 'NO!'

If I were you I'd meet her one more time, and let her know that if her child continues to bite then you won't be arranging playdates anymore as it's not fair on your poor DC to be getting hurt every time and coming home covered in marks.
See what happens on that playdate, if he bites again then follow through with what you have said, don't meet up again until he's stopped it.

KellyHall · 01/02/2020 00:29

Offer her some helpful advice, you've got nothing to lose because it can't go on as it is.

My dd started wanting to bite at around 30 months. I got out all of her old silicon teething rings and now when she wants to bite something, she bites those. Her nursery actually started offering them to bitey children and so I tried it and it worked for us.

Booberella9 · 01/02/2020 00:30

Stop the playdates.

Friendships change once you have DC. Parenting styles have to be compatible or it's misery all round.

At the moment you need to stop because it's not fair to allow your DC to be bitten.

In future you will need to stop because her parenting style will drive you mad.

Either way the friendship has run its course. Sorry.

Monkeynuts18 · 01/02/2020 03:20

My friend just pulled her son off and said no and oh I'm sorry he bites at the moment.

Sorry if I’m misunderstanding your post but what more should she be doing? She pulls her child off, tells him no and apologises to the bitten child and bitten child’s parent?

Laserbird16 · 01/02/2020 04:00

It's normal. All you can do is watch like a hawk but those little children are quick. My DD wasn't a biter but did get bitten by her friend. We just had to seperate them and keep an eye on when play was too exciting which would often result in a bite. Friend grew out of it...DD is a bit of a dick to her sometimes now telling her to stand away from her but there you go

Marriedwithchildren5 · 01/02/2020 06:10

I've never experienced this normal phase of a child going around biting at every meeting! I would definitely stop playdates for a while. But you need to tell your friend why.

Brazi103 · 01/02/2020 06:24

Stop the playdates. It doesnt matter that your son loves him, he is being hurt and surely that matters more?
Tell your friend why as well. She probably will feel bad but you cant put her feelings ahead of your child?
She needs to be doing much more than a wet response. Remove him for a while or firm NO.

PrincessPain · 01/02/2020 06:29

I'm with @Monkeynuts18
Clearly biting isn't acceptable.
But shes removing him, telling him off, and apologising.

Yeahnah2020 · 01/02/2020 06:56

I’d cut the play dates. It can be normal but certainly not all children bite and it is t acceptable.

Cremebrule · 01/02/2020 07:13

To those saying it’s normal, Is it really? My 3 year old has never been bitten and she has certainly never bitten another child. She bit me once when she was about 20m but never again. I wouldn’t be exposing a child to regular biting and I think you have to can the play dates unfortunately.

Lelly0503 · 01/02/2020 07:33

@cremebrule - yes it is normal. If your child has never bitten anyone of course to you it won’t seem normal. Nobody wants a child who bites. It’s stressful and time consuming and you feel like a shit parent. My child was the most calm, chilled baby, but he bit for about 7/8 months. It was pure frustration because he couldn’t communicate . Now he can talk a lot better it’s stopped.

Underhisi · 01/02/2020 07:38

What she is not doing is shadowing him closely enough to prevent most of the bites. My own child would not have responded to tellings off so I shadowed and removed if it looked like biting was likely.

byvirtue · 01/02/2020 07:44

If you enjoy the mums company and the kids get on why don’t you tell her kid off when he bites? I know it’s controversial but explain to the mum you don’t like the biting and if you spot him doing it you will tell him to stop. If she’s not ok with it stop the play dates until the biting stops.

bumblingbovine49 · 01/02/2020 07:54

The thing is you can't always anticipate when they will bite . Sometimes it is too quick.for.you to stop it, despite standing right next to them and watching them..

I would talk to our friend as kindly as.possible ( she already feels bad) and say that as her child is going through a biting phase and your child has been bitten a few times, you think it is best to keep the children apart for a while until the biting has stopped ( which it will btw). Then maybe express some empathy for how it must be for her to deal with this and ask if she need any help with it. You could help her research ways to help, look for resources to share with her etc. Be some to talk to if she needs it to get through a difficult phase of her child's development

You can be a good friend and still protect your child . They are not mutually exclusive.

Alternatively you can get angry with her and blame her for not doing anything and cut off contact. The second is easier and many people wouldn't blame you tbh. I suppose it depends how much you like her and can be bothered to try and help. . .

bumblingbovine49 · 01/02/2020 07:57

"To those saying it’s normal, Is it really? My 3 year old has never been bitten and she has certainly never bitten another child*

Of course it is normal. Just because you have never encountered it does not mean it is not part of a normal developmental stage for many children.

Underhisi · 01/02/2020 08:20

"The thing is you can't always anticipate when they will bite . Sometimes it is too quick.for.you to stop it, despite standing right next to them and watching them."

You can stop the vast majority of bites. I've got a teenager with severe sn who even now will still occasionally try to bite and I don't think people would find it acceptable if he was biting people he comes into contact with socially.
If a child is trying to bite constantly in certain situations they may though be better out of that situation.

beingsunny · 01/02/2020 08:23

It is normal, it happens around the time speech is starting.
It's not the biting which is a problem but her reaction which is more upsetting for you I'm sure.

My son was a biter, if I was with him I could (by watching like a hawk) pre empt and move him away.

KellyHall · 01/02/2020 08:46

The child might need something to bite, they need to be provided with a proper biting devise to get the stimulus they're after. As I said, we got dd's silicon teething rings back out and she's quite content with them.

UrgentHelp12345 · 01/02/2020 17:32

To those saying it’s normal, Is it really?

Yup, their feral at that age

Marriedwithchildren5 · 01/02/2020 22:23

I'm surrounded by 3/4 year olds. It happens but not sure why everyone thinks it's normal. Think I've encountered it 4 times with my 3 children. Once was mine!

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