Fed up!

[Thisisshit123]

I'm sorry this is probably not the correct section and I am probably feeling sorry for myself but split up with husband after almost 10 years of being together due to financial lies and nothing ever being black and white but there wasn't abuse and cheating, he's impulsive, selfish and immature and was crap with money but he loved me and our 2 children and we were a nice family. We were saving for a house at his parents etc and then I walked out with the 2 children due to more crap lies although he was trying to change.

I never thought it would actually come to this but its been 4 weeks and we have split up for good, 5 days after we split he used the advantage of 'being single' to get a car out on finance for 12 grand even though I said it would spoil chances of getting back together as why should me and the kids take on 4 years of debt for his personal want for a flash car! He just claims he was single and I can't have everything my way and believes he did nothing wrong as we weren't getting back together and blames me for walking out. He did ask for me back once he had the car but why should I put up with £280 debt a month when we don't even earn much and wanted a house one day he claims we could still afford to save the same amount as he got a pay rise.

Anyway I'm now applying for housing living in a spare room with 2 children at my mums, husband has accepted we are over and as I said says I walked out even though it was through his money management but I have been the one still devastated whereas he has pulled himself together, he says he is bothered but I think we are both too stubborn and him too selfish to change. I'm just devastated and lonely at my future, I miss him even though I don't want to go back to his stupid choices and crap money management but I've just picked my daughter up from a friend's who's mum is just so happy and has a husband and are going florida for 2 weeks etc own a home and my life has been completely turned upside down, yes I know I left which husband keeps telling me but it was either that or put up and shutup and now I feel like he doesn't even feel that upset, he says he is but he hasn't exactly fought for me, I know he's being sensible as we had issues but I just want the holidays, the family day trips, the family unit and now it's all gone! Why didn't my husband fight for me more, why did he get a car the first chance I was gone! He has the children tonight and I'm now faced with going to the gym for something to do but I don't want to do that I want to just be at home as a family like it used to be! I cry non stop, why am I so confused and absolutely heartbroken, I didn't want to split but felt like I had no choice due to him being selfish with money but he's not even try to get me back but then I did tell him I wasn't going back due to him getting this car finance so maybe I'm a game player?! I did not want any of this, yes I left but I felt I had no choice but I am sobbing all the time. We are in our 30s not young if it sounds like it. I don't know what I want from this but any words of wisdom, I am heartbroken over the life I have lost and I want my husband just not the choices he makes! Why am I heartbroken whne I was the one to say I'm not going back the thing is I have made it clear I didn't want to split up but he's been carrying on probably due to me telling him no! I don't want it to be like I said no and now crying he isn't chasing me but I said no because of his selfish acts and now he doesnt even want me anyway it feels like!! He does he finds it hard and lives me but we are not right togetherxis his ego just bruised. I am completely broken over my marriage falling apart out of his selfish decisions and me saying no to him, what is wrong with me??

what is wrong with me??
I'd say nothing. You did nothing wrong but it is hard to split up after years together. Work on rebuilding your life and you and your two children can face a happy financially secure future.

There is nothing wrong with you Thisisshit123. You made the right decision and you know you have, you are just mourning the loss of the relationship and family life you wish you had. He is never going to be able to give you and your children the life you deserve, because to him a flashy car and material things are more important. Focus on building a life and an existence away from him. Give yourself time to mourn and cry, it's important you feel this way, but also plan for your life without him. You have to accept that you can't change him, no matter what you do, you can only change how you react to him. Do you want to be drowning in debt for the rest of your life? Do you want your children to grow up thinking credit is normal? It's going to be so hard at first, but this time next year it'll be easier and ten years from now you'll wonder why you spent so long with the noose around your neck that was him. for you

Give it time lovely. Honestly, you're hurting right now, even grieving for the "could have been" future you wanted with him, but in time, when he hasn't changed, and is still irresponsible and hopeless with money, and you get sorted out, it will be ok.
You and your children will be secure, with a stable home, the children will still see him and maybe even get the "best" of him rather than you fighting over money or being in debt, or anxious.
It just takes time to come to terms with.

If he truly loved you and your children, he wouldn’t have lied to you about his spending. That he bought a car on finance after you split, suggests that he takes his own needs more seriously.
The thing is, he likes spending and that, in itself, can be considered to be an addiction.
I would continue to keep him at arm’s length and ensure that your money isn’t involved
Good luck OP!

Oh op of course you're going to feel miserable right now, your marriage just ended and you haven't got a house sorted yet. You'll feel better when you have a place to live, you've got into a routine without DH and can start planning for the future.

This was the right decision; you were never going to get that fairy tale ending with him. But that doesn't stop you grieving for the life you dreamed of having with him - it's natural to grieve a loss. Don't beat yourself up for it.

Remember too that you only see the outside of other people's lives.

You could legitimately feel angry with him for his shitty behaviour. Just because he blames you for his own actions doesn't stop them being his responsibility.

I could write this myself. We both always worked but he always saw his money as his money even though we had 2 dc to get through childcare. Couldn't understand when I didn't have enough to cover the other bills once the childcare was paid out of my wages.
Safe to say, I've been on my own for the past 2 years and paying everything myself and have a lot more to spare now I'm not propping up his spending.
Stay strong - you have got this! Just takes a bit of time to let things settle. Go easy on yourself, one step at a time.

Thankyou everyone! It's really so hard and I'm so confused, I'm currently sat in my car crying. I'm confused because I left when I didn't want to and then he went and got the car and I made it clear how upset I am and how I never wanted this to happen but he still went ahead and got this car because he says he was single and we could have afforded it etc and I felt like I said no to returning completely going against what I want m, of course I want the while happy family but it was at the expense of me putting up with him still going ahead and having that much money wasted on a car. The thing is I just find myself defining him and making excuses but it really is true he was a good soft natured person but he was still obviously selfish but he just seen it as me wanting everything my way and if we could afford it whats the problem in his eyes. The thing is also I know I left and I said no to returning because he went and got the car but he's the one saying we are not getting back together and that's it and it's best for the kids etc and on strong days I know I'd rather not have the stress of his decisions so I wouldn't go back but then why am I expecting him to be more upset?? Am I a big ego game player? I just feel like I left because of his actions and now he's the one taking all the control saying he can't keep going through these ups and downs and we have to look after the children which is obviously decent of him but why am I left feeling dumped and him coping better than me? It's not like I've just walked out and broken his heart he is equally saying he won't get back together even though it's his actions at the root of it not that he can see it with this car purchase that he thinks is so fine. Maybe I'm the weird person expecting him to fall at my feet when I left him? What do I know is the tables have completely turned and I am sobbing all the time while he is being rational! I miss my whole life I'm not gonna have I love him so much and I have let him know this so it's not as if I have just broken up with him and I don't want this but he's sort of having none of it, I'm jot begging but I've made it clear this is not what I wanted, maybe it's his ego or maybe he really just doesn't care but we were best friends and knew eachother inside out I can't imagine my whole life without him, I have the amazing kids yes but I just want to be sat at home with my husband returning home to me and now I have just an airbed and no husband, I'm so jealous of everyone having this life I should be having I'm really old fashioned and fought through anything with marriage to grow old together and now I feel like he didn't fight enough because of a car! That he denies is wrong anyway

Op, it doesn't sound as though you miss him and the reality of life with him. It sounds like your grieving for the life you wished you'd had with him. By splitting up you're giving yourself the chance to find someone you can have that life with.

Being sad about the end of a marriage, even if you're the one to end it isn't game playing. Neither is expecting your DH to be sad about it. His behaviour simply shows that your were right to walk away as he had no intention of becoming a financially responsible DH/DF. It's better to know that now than to keep limping along hoping that he'll change.

Stay strong OP, his behaviour simply shows that you were right to leave him.

I agree with all the comments. You sound brave and a lot stronger than you know. It sounds like you have made the right decision but are mourning what it should have been like with him. He doesn't sound like he will change and you deserve a lot lot better. Other people always seem to have perfect lives compared to us but behind closed doors there are alot of people who probably wish they were as brave as you and could leave a relationship that wasn't right.

Thankyou you are all saying what my family have said to me, some days I feel strong and remember why I've gone and some days I feel like a teenager that has been dumped! I don't know why it feels like he holds all the cards when I left over his wrong doing, he thinks the car is completely fine though and I think I'm upset because even though I told him no he is accepting of it because I suppose what else is he going to do beg me but I thought he would have maybe chosen us over the car, he doesn't see it as he's chosen the car though. I hope one day I can be happy because I do feel as though I would be happier with him and I am just going to be miserable without him so what's the point in even splitting up, splitting up with someone that you dont want to split up with is so bloody hard! Even though I have said no to him I've said how much I had no choice but to say no and it's the last thing I want but he's the one all for splitting up to when it's through his actions so that's left me totally confused and I guess that's also why I'm so upset! My future just feels so lonely and not what I had all planned in my head, I can't believe it all