To be p****d off with my mum (longish)

[tullytwo]

Longish story - my bf has just finished chemo last month and I had suggested a celebratory dinner tonight with her and her dh and my dp and me and she said yes.

So checked with my mum @ 3 weeks ago and she said that she would check her diary (-don't ask!) and if I didn't hear from her to assume that it was fine. Didn't hear from her so assumed all was fine and arranged just didn't confirm exact time.

Anyway haven't heard from my bf - she has been away so text my mum this morning to say we hadn't heard from my bf but dp and me would go out anyway if she was still ok to sit (assuming she was). Dp has been off for last 2 weeks and I have held off asking her to sit at any other time as was looking forward to tonight and had assumed she was sitting.

I sort of politely said in text don't worry if you have made other plans - just being polite though as hadn't anticipated she would have.

She replied that she was sorry but had made other plans with her mum and dad and elderly aunt who is over visiting them to go out for dinner.

I was really upset and annoyed - we do have a rocky history and have recently been to counselling together.

I feel that she doesn't mind letting me down but won't change her other plans after she realised she had double booked - I am expected to understand. I don't go out very much at all and had been really looking foward to tonight so AIBU or not?

Is it possible that she forgot?

I know she did forget obviously but thats not my fault is it? And I feel that she should stick to her first commitment to me rather than her secondary plans - no?

She has said sorry fair enough but it just pisees meoff because I would have gone out another night if I'd only known AAAAGGGH! Rant over!

yes, you're being unreasonable

If you ask someone to babysit 3 weeks ago you should check with them the following week that it was ok in their diary even if they say to assume if you don't hear

you wouldn't treat a friend like this, nor be this cross at a friend if they made this mistake but because the lines are blurred with it being your mother you feel righteously indignant and let down

take a deep breath and appreciate that you're out of order on this one

Can you go out anyway?

But thats the way mum always operates when she sits for us and as she rarely does its always 'marked in' the diary so have never had to check with her before. If it was a friend I would have checked but this is what mum always does so didn't see the need.

It was very important to me and I feel hurt that I have taken second place now and that she has made no offer to fulfill her original obligation to me.

No I can't we don't have any other babysitters - only mum which is why we rarely use her as we don't want to take advantage.

Well, sounds like lack of communication.

You asked, she said she would check her diary - that is not a yes.

You assumed that she was going to do it because she hadn't come back to say no.

So I think yes, you are being a bit unreasonable to blame her for this situation.

The 2 of you failed to communicate.

She ought to have got back to you, but didn't. You ought to have got a clear answer from her, but didn't.

Just make sure you are both clear in future.

And yes, she's doubled booked and it is often the done thing to honour your first commitment but - you say the aunt is visiting, well, if she is not always around, but you are, then I can see why she chose to honour the arrangement with the one who has come to visit rather than the one who lives close by...iyswim!

I would also be upset if I was looking forward to going out and then realised I couldn't. Why don't you get a really nice takeawy and a good film instead?