It's hard for me to write this but I want to know if I'm crazy.
Last year I discovered by accident that my husband of five years was visiting escort sites, local ones for our area. We have always been quite open with our phones and he readily gave me the password a long time ago.
The searches I discovered had been deleted from 'history' but were still showing when I looked at the 'My Activity' side of google, entitled 'Searched for' and then 'Visited'. I don't think he was aware of this extra ability to see history other than through normal history log.
Some of the searches were quite specific, such as 'anal escorts town name'
There was no evidence in call logs, messages etc to show he had actioned any of this but there was a search for hotels in our area too. He knows I'm fine with porn but this was different.
I was completely devastated and in shock and I almost stopped functioning whilst faced with this, couldn't eat or sleep it affected me so profoundly. When I confronted him, and boy did I confront him, he said it was pop ups then said it was accidental and at last admitted after days of me pressuring him that he had been 'stupid' and made a really bad mistake and he was embarrassed and ashamed.
I had a million questions - why?? what for?? what was it about our relationship that made him look for this? was he going to take the next step?
He gaslighted me, got angry, got impatient, refused to discuss it and threatened to leave me if I didn't stop going on about it. He said I was like a woman possessed and needed a priest to get the crazy thoughts out of my head. I was shaken to the core and 10 months later still am though we are back on track I just can't get over it. Jesus I would never be able to cope with someone actually physically cheating on me.
I'm an intelligent and resourceful women and obviously didn't take too kindly to these suggestions but I love him and he has shown remorse (though not enough).
Obviously my self-confidence has been severely knocked and I have felt insecure - I want to know is this something that men just do and it's harmless but at the same time I think it sucks. We even argued in Sainsburys because I caught him staring at a couple of women so went off on one saying 'did you recognise them from the Escort site?'.
He has told me the matter is closed, shut and will not be discussed anymore, but I argue that if he really cared he would allow me to ask for further explanations and I have explained that it has affected me and the way I feel about him and he needs to give me the decency of listening to me as it was HIS mistake and for us to be able to discuss. He tells me he would never cheat on me and I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him, but I see this as cheating. I've never felt the need to look at naked me or search for male escorts.
I have made an appointment to see a counsellor next week but haven't plucked up the courage to tell him and don't think for a moment he will come with me, but I feel the only way forward is to talk to a third party, someone neutral.
Other than this we have a really good relationship, caring, thoughtful, never arguing about money or anything else, companionable, good sex life (though my sex drive is a lot higher than his). We cuddle and kiss and care deeply about each other but this has 'soiled' all that. I have lost respect for this lovely gentle sweet kind man.
He's a kind man and does good deeds, but even when I see him doing this I think 'if only people knew what he was furtively doing when he's on his own', sleazy perv. He was checking the sites multiple times just after I had left for work and even in the car park when he arrived at work (I know this from the timings of the searches).
Would it be something that runs in his family? e.g. would his father and grandfather have sought prostitutes or escorts outside of their marriages? Should I ask their wives? The thing is I have no-one to talk to or ask advice from as if I told my friends they would be horrified and never see him in the same light and I would feel ashamed.
Will I ever come to terms and be able to move on and are my thoughts overthinking and over the top. He tells me I have the tendency to overthink and create problems when there aren't any, but in the cold light of day I feel very scared and sad when I think about what he did behind my back. Am I being unreasonable in still feeling upset?