Married for over 10 years plus kids. Husband works a very high powered and stressful job which includes a lot of travel and long hours. I’ve recently gone back to work but otherwise spent the whole time at home raising the children and doing the domestic tasks.
We love each other dearly, have a lot of respect for each other and I know he’s always got my back and vice versa.
However, we have had serious issues with our physical relationship since I fell pregnant with our first child 12 years ago. It was a big shock to be fair, we’d been together a matter of weeks, but he’s a decent man and wanted to do the right thing so he stuck by me and we have done our level best to make it work. A couple more kids have also arrived since then too. And our kids are our everything. I would also say, and this is a recent thought, that our kids have been a wonderful distraction from looking at the problems within our relationship.
He said that the initial shock of getting pregnant so unexpectedly and the huge responsibility that suddenly surrounded him made him feel very uncomfortable about having sex. This went on for many years and is still an issue he has not dealt with now I think. He’s affectionate and kind and always tells me he loves me but sex has always been a problem since way back then.
He also had some sexual dysfunction issues start around 8 years ago. This made him and I both feel quite low. He only got proper help for this a year ago. Before that, he used to blame us both for the problem and say it was down to us not “doing it enough”. This has made me feel quite angry and resentful and also guilty over the years. When I told him a year ago he had to get some proper help or I didn’t know if I could carry on then he went to the GP, got a prescription and the problem was solved pretty much instantly. It was a relief, mostly for him though I think, as again, I just felt pretty angry that he’d waited so long to sort this out. And no, it wasn’t to do with us not doing it enough he also realised, it was his problem that only he could of sorted out.
I’ve felt very lonely in this marriage for so long. The complete lack of a normal sex life has worn me down. I’ve looked at myself intensely over the last 3 years for our problems and have been having regular therapy sessions with a psychologist. I’ve been medicated on antidepressants (I have always suffered with depression so I don’t want to blame him for this, but I guess I’m saying I’ve really done my best to ensure that I’m giving the best version of me that I can be).
But still there feels like there is a massive void in our relationship. We spoke a few months ago about couples counselling, he was initially very dismissive so I just let it sink in for a while and then brought it up again a couple of months later. We tried a few sessions which were good and the counsellor said some interesting things. But then things got busy and work got in the way etc etc and we didn’t do anymore. I think he thought we were doing ok again and didn’t need it so much anymore.
So a couple of weeks ago I decided I had to be honest with him and myself and so I explained how I was feeling and that I think a period of separation could be what we need right now. He wasn’t very shocked but was very sad. He agreed though and respects how I’m feeling. We’re both firm on the fact that we want to create as little stress for the children and so far so good.
It’s been an interesting couple of weeks. I have moments where I’m genuinely enjoying the space. And then there are moments where I doubt myself and it feels a bit like looking into the abyss.
I know he doesn’t want this separation and although he agrees that we have some serious issues he feels it’s all possible to overcome. I have said he has to start properly looking at himself though, I feel like I can do no more in terms of trying to do things for him and us. And he has agreed to start seeing his own therapist which I’m really pleased for him about. He’s very much a head in the sand kind of guy and I’m kind of opposite to that. I can’t stand being dishonest about true feelings.
So, am I being unreasonable to feel so hopeless about things? Am I being unreasonable to expect more than a basic level of affection with my husband? Am I being unreasonable to feel so worn down and hurt by these complicated set of issues relating to sex?