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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He should let me know his plans.

18 replies

MrsBrentford · 30/01/2020 20:46

DC3 is 17 and last of my DC living at home.

He has Aspergers but it’s very mild/not overly “noticeable” (he hides it I feel).

Very clever. Two years ago applied for 6th form college which is a 40 min drive away,out of county, without consulting me.

Was quite pissed off as there are numerous 6th forms and colleges local to us. Anyway his father (we have not been together since before he was born) and I discussed it and agreed to support him and pay the £120 a month train fare between us.

He’s got on well, is predicted all As and has a girlfriend after initially suffering isolation and depression.

Anyway, he never ever tells me what his plans are other than a text when I am on my way home from work (ish) letting me know if he’s eating.

Tonight he’s phoned after 8 (I am shattered after a long week at work and in my pjs with make up off as first night to relax all week - he texted earlier saying he’s at his gfs who lives by college) Saying all the trains have been cancelled (there are issues with the trains a lot which pisses me off - but another thread) and he’s possibly stranded - and he’s there because it’s their anniversary and can I be on standby to get him.

I am pissed off that I didn’t know he was out to start with (yday he had a Uni interview and didn’t tell me then 11 o clock the night before starts ironing stuff and asking me how the iron works - he does know) so I would potentially need to get bloody dressed and be prepared to do a 1.5 hour round trip.

I think I am more angry at the train service but also think he needs to let me know his bloody plans (as they are rarely spontaneous!!) as I am now on tenterhooks thinking amI am going to have to go out.

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 30/01/2020 21:01

Oh how annoying , can he not stay at his gf's ?

RedDiamond · 30/01/2020 21:03

Mum, you are being unreasonable. People with Aspergers work on routine. He probably had already worked out which train to get home on etc. and now the trains are cancelled. I bet he is stressing. You are his SAFE PERSON, the one he can rely on. He has not done this on purpose. And I bet he feels like shit having to ask you to come out of your comfort zone too.

Yes, I have a DS with Aspergers too...

I agree that you and he need to work out some sort of diary system. He DOES need to let you know what he is doing/where he is going. Explain to him that it will give you peace of mind, let you know where you are etc. He cannot have it all ways.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 30/01/2020 21:04

Well that’s another story. He’s been a bit cagey about it.

Reading between the lines I think her dad is possibly not keen on him - -because he’s mixed race- -

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBrentford · 30/01/2020 21:06

I am aware he works on routine and I am not saying I will not go and get him.

I am saying he needs to let me know his plans.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 30/01/2020 21:09

Tell him you will do it on this occasion but he needs to work out spare taxi money in case this happens again

Always have a back up plan

mustangcanwait · 30/01/2020 21:11

Maybe it's worth being a bit clearer about how he lets you know where he is. Because if you take everything at face value like someone with Asperger's would, technically he is letting you know where he is / what he's doing, just right at the last minute or when he's already doing it. Maybe ask him to let you know his plans as soon as he knows, or if plans change, to tell you as soon as they change. Empathy is unlikely to be a strong point so he won't be concerned about you worrying or being tired etc. In his mind, he probably thinks he is doing exactly as you have asked.

Butterymuffin · 30/01/2020 21:12

I would tell him to get a train as far as he can then taxi the rest and you'll pay. He shouldn't treat your help and time so casually

StCharlotte · 30/01/2020 21:13

If he's not being spontaneous, can you ask him in the mornings or even the beginning of the week what his plans are?

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 30/01/2020 21:13

I thought the train company were supposed to provide a taxi?

OP posts:
RedDiamond · 30/01/2020 21:27

Try this.

Buy a calender, maybe something along something he likes (Star Wars for example). Tell he he HAS to fill in when he is going to be out, be late etc.

Tell him you will ALSO put on it when you are going to be out/late. That way it works both ways.

I really do feel for you, promise I do.

Doubletrouble99 · 30/01/2020 21:58

We have two teens on the spectrum and I certainly feel for you when it comes to them not thinking of alternative transport etc. However I would say that part of our two's problems are a lack of social awareness which mean they don't really think about how some of their actions affect me. They just need me there and then.

BlueJava · 30/01/2020 22:04

YANBU, but think for a moment about the upside. He's doing well at college, he has a GF, he's applied to Uni, he can travel by himself (when trains are running). I get you are frustrated but I think you and he are doing really well. Try and work on his communication of plans over time.

selmabear · 30/01/2020 22:07

I don't think you're BU. When I lived at home my mother always insisted I let her know where I was heading off too and what time I'll be home etc and the same went for my sister because it was her house. I moved out when I was 18 so the needing to know my plans stopped as soon as I was no longer under her roof but my sister was living at home until she was in her early 20's and it never changed for her, If my sister wanted a lift home after a night out my mum would give the latest time she would be willing to do so.

goodgodingovan · 30/01/2020 22:07

Have you had a discussion with him about letting you know his plans?
Do you ask him in the evening what his plans are for the following day?

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 30/01/2020 22:32

He’s home - on the train which ran - phew Grin

We don’t always see each other as we leave at different times and he gets in late or I do etc.

We did have a chat about the fact that while I love the fact he’s getting really independent and he’s happy and socialising (FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIVE) please just let me know your plans as it ruins my evening.

We shall see.....

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBrentford · 30/01/2020 22:51

I absolutely bricking it about him going to Uni 😭

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsBrentford · 30/01/2020 22:52

*am

OP posts:
WorldEndingFire · 30/01/2020 23:26

Can you use a shared phone calendar that you can update on the go?

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