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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think things are a big deal

42 replies

aglimpseofdaytime · 30/01/2020 18:20

I feel like I'm going out of my mind. My partner has been so disrespectful in the past week but whenever I've confronted him he tells me I'm being ridiculous. I feel like I'm going crazy.
Here's an example.

Last Saturday: he went out on a night out said he was just going to a friends. I went to bed and woke up at 3am when my youngest woke up and he wasn't home, tried to ring phones off. Get a text at 4.30am saying he's staying at a friends. I told him I was upset he hadn't let me know and we were going to the cinema early in the morning the next day. He said it wasn't a problem, because I could do he same if I wanted and he hadn't said if he was coming home for 2am or 2pm apparently when he'd said 2 and I had no reason to be annoyed .

Tuesday: I make lunches for him as I make batch lunches. Made a nice pasta salad with crisps etc. Got a phone call at lunchtime 'where's my chicken, oh I wanted chicken im disappointed I'm going to eat now bye' then said it was just a joke when asked but the tone on the phone was abrupt.

Last night: was going to bed and he hid my phone. I have ocd and not knowing where things are make me feel horrendous. I had torn the entire living room up, cushions off sofa pulled out before he said he had it. Went to bed in a mood didn't talk.

Today: stayed late at the office 2 hours after he comes home every day no text. I had no problem but told him if he's going to be late to just drop a check text to let me know because of teas and stuff and putting kids to bed. He said I was being ridiculous.

Am I being sensitive?

OP posts:

Sheld0r · 30/01/2020 19:01

These aren't actions of a man in love with his wife. He's going out of his way to make your life miserable. Is this how you see living the rest of your life with him? He's a cruel and spiteful man. Please don't let him carry on treating you like this. I wonder what his comeback would be to "I want a divorce!"

mbosnz · 30/01/2020 19:02

he pretends to pack his bags, quit his job and try and catch a train 200 miles away to his parents.

Let him.

lazylinguist · 30/01/2020 19:03

I say I'm upset he says I have no right to be

This is all you need to know. He does not care about you or your feelings at all. He never will. This is who he is. Why would you spend your life with a man like this?

Eckhart · 30/01/2020 19:11

Counselling is unlikely to work because he's abusing you and he knows it. He'll know to cover his tracks, and the counsellor will end up thinking the same as he does.

You're NOT crazy OP. He's messing with your head and he knows you well enough to know exactly how to upset you.

Aside from any of the rest of his crazy-making behaviour, anyone who dismisses their partner's upset deserves to be left.

RebelWithVerySharpClaws · 30/01/2020 19:25

You will never win with this gaslighting abusive cuntfaced cunt. Counselling will probably make things worse. You should start saving and plan for a life without this wanker. Leave him or make him leave at a time of your choosing. Your life sounds so sad living with this bastard. It makes me angry reading about him. Put yourself first OP because he never ever will.

WombOfOnesOwn · 30/01/2020 19:32

Wow, he's really got you under his thumb with his little "you can either tolerate everything I do to hurt you without complaint or I'll be gone in a heartbeat" routine.

It's controlling and it's wrong. Fuck this insufferable manchild, he is a piece of human garbage. Throw him out.

crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 19:39

I hate when people on here use gaslighting becuase it’s never used correctly butTHIS IS GASLIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!!

Also he is almost certainly cheating. Even the phone call at work belittling his lunch sounds like a macho call in front of his other woman or the woman he is trying to impress to make you look like his slave.

What a nasty, nasty man. Sorry OP

Nothing2doooooo · 30/01/2020 19:43

@aglimpseofdaytime Hope you're alright? Must be hard getting this confirmation of what you must have known already or feared.

Vilanelle · 30/01/2020 19:46

Yep he is gas lighting you. OP, what would you say if your daughter was being treated like this? Love is too short to settle for this kind of shit.

I never say this but..

LTB

Vilanelle · 30/01/2020 19:46

*life

Vilanelle · 30/01/2020 19:47

the phone call at work belittling his lunch sounds like a macho call in front of his other woman or the woman he is trying to impress to make you look like his slave

Also this!!!

Original poster

aglimpseofdaytime · 30/01/2020 19:51

I don't think he's cheating. I'm good friends with his manager and he doesn't use his phone much at all. I feel so angry and he's just gone back to normal. I'm desperate for that moment of clarity where he's just deeply apologetic and realises what he's done but He'll never do that. I can't even break up with him I don't think. He'd go to his parents 200 miles away and I'd have to quit my part time job and can't afford the house. And I just feel guilty, upsetting anyone even if he is unpleasant I'm not a confrontational person at all

OP posts:

crispysausagerolls · 30/01/2020 19:53

I'm good friends with his manager and he doesn't use his phone much at all

These things mean nothing.

And cheating or not, he’s a piece of shit

YasssKween · 30/01/2020 19:54

Yeah you've got yourself a cunt there OP.

He sounds like a nasty bastard.

Classic school bully, doing things he specifically knows will make you sad. Who does that to someone they love? Nobody.

The thing about him not saying 2am/2pm is frankly insulting. He's basically saying you're stupid by thinking you'll accept that level of obvious bullshit.

Poor you OP it sounds shit and I think you know this isn't a healthy relationship to be in but I appreciate it's hard to accept that and actively make plans to leave.

People who are just nasty don't change. They might get a kick up the arse if you threaten to leave and they'll be good for a while but fundamentally nasty people can't maintain being kind.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone you have to ask not to do things they know will upset you?

Sorry he's such a nob

Original poster

aglimpseofdaytime · 30/01/2020 20:01

Thanks for all the lovely messages everyone. It's nice to feel not insane for a bit. Think I just need a big cry, but I'm not sure I've got the energy though. Definitely need a kit kat and a long think. I think it's been like this for so long I've just lost all of my standards. At least I've clocked on a bit now

OP posts:

StealthMama · 30/01/2020 21:24

Hmm this really is an abusive relationship and has the signs that it will only get worse.

You would be fine without him if that's what's is right for you and your children. There is support available for housing etc, and don't further he would be responsible for paying to support his children, even if he is 200 miles away.

Personally, I'd buy him the train ticket myself.

Do you have family you can speak to?

aroundtheworldyet · 31/01/2020 19:08

Millions of women do it on their own. You can do it. It is daunting but we do not live in Victorian times. No one is going to the workhouse.

Honestly he sounds so utterly vile. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who thinks so little of you.

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