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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU in reporting to my manager or putting up till I leave!?

17 replies

believerinhope · 30/01/2020 14:32

I don't want to drip feed so this is going to be a bit of a lengthy post.

Backstory: I was promoted to a new position in a team last January, with three other women and we all clicked. One of the women in particular has been there four years, while I've only been there two. When I was going through some personal issues, she was there, taking me out for lunch and I would do the same when she had issues and we'd spend our lunch break together some days. There are a few big differences between our characters, she likes to smoke weed everyday as it was part of her culture apparently, and doesn't like to do much with anyone outside of work, so she said. On two occasions we did meet up outside work, only because I drove and she doesn't, so I took her to get some furniture and shopping. Long story short, we were very close.

Now as she doesn't drive, she used to get a lift in with another office colleague who worked in a different department. He has been here as long as her, and they are friends but completely platonic. She is a lot older and without being rude, has made it clear she only likes men of her culture..stating 'I don't date british'. This woman is very demanding, and sometimes scary but I was never on the end of it so I didn't notice as much. If he was off sick for a week and she didn't think he was that unwell, she would make him still drive her in and pick her up. When he was in a difficult relationship at the start of last year, she would moan to our team that he needed to man up, and in general, pick on him when he wasn't around.

His relationship ended early last year, and when I needed some help with a personal favor she suggested him. We had known each other for the two years I've been here, but I needed help with something and she suggested he could do it. So he helped, but then it blossomed into a relationship. I told her immediately and it went downhill from there. I was told we had both betrayed her, she didn't want her friends dating and we went behind her back (we told her as soon as we made it official between us, as what if it didn't work) and she made work life uncomfortable for everyone. No one said anything when she was around, but would speak openly and supportively when she wasn't. She changed her work hours and got alternative transport, and told him she didn't think I was good enough for him (despite always telling me how much I deserved). Over time, the atmosphere got better and work was able to continue as normal (without the lunches or closeness). Unexpectedly, we fell pregnant very quickly (but very happy) and everyone at work was very happy. This woman in particular just doesn't say anything/refuses to say anything about the pregnancy and I've accepted that.

Today though, she announced to the team while I was sat here that she won't miss me on maternity, doesn't like me and is only cordial. I felt humiliated and no one said anything, but again when she left the room said they were shocked. She is not my manager, we are equal. Part of me feels nothing can be done, and in the past she has been passed up for promotions due to be unprofessional like this, so she clearly doesn't care.

I should just wait until I go on maternity shouldn't I? I shouldn't care but I spend all day sat opposite. We could reach out our hands and touch, no where to go. AIBU to report? Any words of wisdom about getting through till May?

OP posts:
CakeandCustard28 · 30/01/2020 14:38

Report her. She sounds like a nut job.

mbosnz · 30/01/2020 14:38

I'd be telling HR or management. She's batshit crazy and a bitch to boot. You don't have to put up with being spoken about/to like that, and she shouldn't be getting away with this ridiculous level of bullying behaviour!

PineappleDanish · 30/01/2020 14:39

She sounds like a total cow. Only you know whether you can put up with it until May, or whether your manager would be able to rearrange seating or whatever. She's most definitely not your friend.

alifelived · 30/01/2020 14:41

Christ she sounds batshit.

Report her and next time she starts her shit I would start laughing and tell her how bonkers she is.

funnylittlefloozie · 30/01/2020 14:45

I think i used to work with her. Seriously. She (and people like her) get away with it because other people are too nice, or intimidated, or afraid of being called racist/bigoted to call her out on it. Please report to your manager, her behaviour is disgraceful.

Wattagoose90 · 30/01/2020 14:49

I'd make a little diary of anything she does to upset you. This alone isn't much in the grand scheme of things but could be seen as bullying if it continues.

She doesn't sound like a very nice person so I wouldn't lose sleep over her.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/01/2020 14:49

Report her, what a nasty person

Highonpotandused · 30/01/2020 14:50

she likes to smoke weed everyday as it was part of her culture apparently

Irrelevant.

She is a lot older and without being rude, has made it clear she only likes men of her culture..stating 'I don't date british’

Irrelevant.

Why mention her culture at all, OP? I do find it so strange that she was ‘very demanding’ and ‘sometimes scary’, yet you were ‘very close’ to her.

This is one of those AIBU’s where we need the other person’s side.

antisupermum · 30/01/2020 14:52

Report her. Obviously.
Plenty people heard what she said so you won't be short of corroborating statements. Just because she has got away with it in the past doesn't mean everyone should allow it to continue into the future.

Wattagoose90 · 30/01/2020 14:54

@Highonpotandused because she's pointing out that there's no romantic feelings there and why, so it is relevant.

Thinking of the other person's feelings - surely any regular person would be happy for two friends. Not a normal reaction at all.

believerinhope · 30/01/2020 15:00

@highonpotandused

The reason I mentioned the weed and that she was very demanding, is she used that as the reason we didn't socialize outside of work. I often told her I had no issue with weed or whatever, and if she wanted to meet up to let me know. She would state I don't smoke so that's why we only spend time together at work and not in the evenings! I didn't see her as demanding because we were close, and only when she stopped speaking to me, did other people discuss when she wasn't around that they found her demanding. We got on so well at work and the two occasions that we were out, that I didn't consider her requests to other people demanding.

As for her side her main gripe is she felt she should have been told immediately the moment we spoke outside of work. When it all kicked off, I spent days messaging her apologizing, explaining we didn't realise we should of told her from the very start. In fact, have all the emails and messages where I was apologizing for being with someone? So it's not like I didn't try and apologise for hurting her?

OP posts:
believerinhope · 30/01/2020 15:03

Thank you @wattagoose90

@highonpotandused When I would seek advice from friends outside of work who didn't know her, they were insistent she must fancy him and be jealous. That is 1000% not the case and this isn't about romantic feelings, and this was just an example of why this wasn't the case.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 30/01/2020 15:03

Why should you have told her from the very start? She doesn't have proprietary rights to either of you!

Frothybothie · 30/01/2020 15:07

Shes racist, malandrist, uses illegal drugs and is batshit - report her . I would.

believerinhope · 30/01/2020 15:08

Thank you all. I think I will keep a diary and speak to my manager if it continues. I appreciate when you post on MN, it is hard to get the full picture from a short essay. In the past I think she has had friends betray her (she fell out with the big bosses sister, who has now left) and she has a reputation for this, but I was never really aware. When she was clearly upset, I apologized profusely for a long time, even telling her I will give her time and come to terms with it. But everyone else, inside the office and out don't understand why I even apologized. She doesn't want him romantically, he wasn't really a friend other than he gave her lifts (and would have done if she didn't refuse) and so I don't know why someone, who said she wanted only the best for me, doesn't want to know.

I referenced her comments about British, not to suggest she is racist to anyone, its the office type of banter and was only used to confirm she didn't fancy him. I take things to heart and although what she said wasn't right, I will mention it with my manager only so that if it gets worse, she was made aware from the off. Thank you!

OP posts:
believerinhope · 30/01/2020 15:11

@mbosnz

Looking back, I know I didn't need to. Everyone said the same thing. I think I panicked because I expected her to be happy, and not so angry. I think I thought I was wrong, because why would she react like this? Now, I realize we were right. We kept it outside of work for professional reasons, when we were happy it was official then we told work (after telling her first). This is my first confrontation really, never come across this kind of thing before so I think I panicked!

OP posts:
mbosnz · 30/01/2020 15:17

I would suggest that her friends betraying her, was far more likely, her friends getting her full measure, and not being prepared to tolerate her nonsense, and indulge her any longer.

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