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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry I’ve upset SIL

22 replies

ThatsWotSheSaid · 30/01/2020 09:05

My SIL told us she was scheduled in to have her baby on Monday by c section. She said that if there are emergencies etc they will obviously take priority so it may not actually be that day. When we hadn’t heard by Wednesday morning my husband called to find out what was happing and she said she’d had a baby girl on Monday morning.
Is she annoyed because I didn’t message so decided not to tell us? I thought it’s best to let the new parents tell everyone so they don’t get hounded.
For background we live in different parts of the city and get together about 4 times a year. We get on when we see each other but we are not close. We don’t call of direct message each other but we do have a WhatsApp group.
Have we/I been unreasonable by not messaging sooner?

OP posts:

ThePlantsitter · 30/01/2020 09:09

I don't think so. I think time takes on a different feeling when you're in hospital with a newborn. I wouldn't assume they hadn't told you on purpose.

Just carry on as normal, excited family members. Make sure they know you're keen to meet the new arrival and I'm sure you'll be fine.

MatildaTheCat · 30/01/2020 09:14

I would message something along the lines of, ‘so delighted for you, we’ve been thinking about you so much. Can’t wait to meet the new arrival (insert name) very soon.’ That shows you didn’t just forget them.

Bit strange that nobody else in the family passed on the news but hey ho.

Wowwe · 30/01/2020 10:16

I think it’s a bit weird that it took 2 days for you to get in touch when you knew her scheduled c section was on most likely on the Monday?

showmewhatyougot · 30/01/2020 10:26

I doubt she's thinking of you guys, she's just been through a major surgery, in a lot of pain and enjoying all the newborn baby snuggles.

I'd want to be the one to tell people when I'm ready, and wouldn't appreciate hundreds of the same messages.

Congratulations on being a new auntie :)

CalmdownJanet · 30/01/2020 10:27

Why would she be annoyed at you? I think it's weird her brother didn't message for two days and I'd be fucked off with him alright

Bluebutterfly90 · 30/01/2020 10:31

She's probably not even thinking about it, probably just exhausted and trying to recover.

Just send her a message saying you didn't want to crowd her and hope she's doing well.
I had my baby 3 weeks ago and the time has flown by, and I didn't contact everyone straight away.

nchanger333 · 30/01/2020 10:37

If anything she should be annoyed at her brother. Is your husband unable to remember/call himself?

Original poster

ThatsWotSheSaid · 30/01/2020 10:40

I didn’t message because I assumed it hadn’t happened and didn’t want to add the the millions of messages saying ‘have you had the baby yet?’. When we still didn’t hear Tuesday we decided to call the next morning.
On reflection I should have sent a thinking of you message with no expectation to get a reply.
When I had my DS (2 weeks over due) I got irritated at all the ‘how are you?’ Fishing messages and if you didn’t reply to one straight away everyone started speculating that you were in labour. I assumed they would message if there was news.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThatsWotSheSaid · 30/01/2020 10:41

My husband is not good at that stuff and it is between them if she’s annoyed at him. I Just don’t want her to be upset with me.

OP posts:

Limensoda · 30/01/2020 10:45

You don't even know if she's annoyed with you?....You are being over sensitive.

Roozy123 · 30/01/2020 10:54

We don’t call of direct message each other
So, why would you expect her to start now? She didn't update you as soon as the baby was there because there would be plenty of people she does have direct contact with that she spoke to.
You left it days when you know she was scheduled in for Monday to have your neice or nephew and messaged nothing until Wednesday. I don't know if this would have upset her but it didn't make you look like the most caring or thoughtful imo

Xyzzzzz · 30/01/2020 10:56

I’m with you Op, I hated all the texts and calls. Just message your SIL now and see how she’s doing if she needs anything etc

Sparklyring · 30/01/2020 11:02

Tbh I think you're both a bit odd, I absolutely would have sent a message in either situation... Baby is here or a how.are you one!

Original poster

ThatsWotSheSaid · 30/01/2020 11:04

I have sent a congratulatory message and had a reply so I don’t think there will be any issues. Looks like some would message some wouldn’t so hopefully it’s unlikely i have gravely offended her.

OP posts:

LightDrizzle · 30/01/2020 11:19

Are DH’s parents dead? The norm would be for their parents to let wider family know, surely.
I’m pretty sure DH phoned our parents and they spread the news on.

I agree with you that the last thing people need is lots of “Have you had the baby yet?” texts and calls.

CeibaTree · 30/01/2020 11:19

That's so weird that no one else in the family let you know though.

alifelived · 30/01/2020 11:24

To be honest, I think your SIL and her partner are very odd for not messaging their family to tell them of their new arrival.

My BIL and SIL did something similar a few years ago. She went in to be induced on the Wednesday morning and by the Friday morning no one had sent an update or responded to a couple of messages sent by my MIL (BIL’s mum) and my SIL’s mum.

Eventually my SIL’s mum phoned the maternity unit worried that something had happened and they passed the message to BIL. He then messaged to say the baby had been born on the Thursday and SIL had need a lot of stitches and he’d forgotten to get in contact.

You think he could have sent two quick texts to his mum and his MIL.

Watermelontea · 30/01/2020 11:58

I was very upset that a very close friend knew I was being induced after lots of stress, problems with the pregnancy and very low estimates BW my DC, and didn’t bother to drop me a message to say good luck/hope it goes well etc. I’ve known her for 10/11 years and it was the bare minimum I’d expect.
She just sent ‘Is the baby here yet?’ a few days later.
I sent ‘yes’ back, and that’s pretty much all the contact we’ve had since.

EarringsandLipstick · 30/01/2020 12:06

@watermelontea I don't get this at all - surely, once you'd had the baby, you'd share the news, and what matters is how your friend responds then? Is she happy, does she text congratulations, come to see you etc?

I do think it's a bit odd to take such umbrage at her not wishing you luck in advance. She may have been giving you a bit of space. I wouldn't honestly expect that - but if I were her, I'd be put out that you didn't include me in the general text to all about baby's arrival.

Original poster

ThatsWotSheSaid · 30/01/2020 12:44

When I say we don’t direct message we do the odd happy birthday message but not general chit chat.
I agree I think we both should have messaged. I didn’t give it enough thought because I have been really busy the last few days and she obviously had her hands full too.
PIL should have messaged too. They have a few things going on and generally have form for being a bit insensitive.

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 30/01/2020 12:45

I think she’s probably caught up with the baby and isn’t offended, just busy

Watermelontea · 30/01/2020 13:23

@EarringsandLipstick - No you obviously don’t understand.
If somebody was terrified of something happening on a specific day, which you knew about, and neither you nor your friend knew what the outcome could be surely you’d send some sort of well wishes?
If not, then I’m quite glad I’m not your friend!

We didn’t share any news after her birth, except a phone call to parents to explain what had happened, as our DD was so sick we were in hospital waiting on blood cultures for sepsis, not sending mass messages and posting pictures of the child we weren’t able to hold.
And no, she is now 3 months old and she’s not contacted me or come to see her.

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