To feel like I hate pregnant women/couples?

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I already know I’m BU, but I’m just tired. I‘ve been trying on/off since before May 2018 (where I had a surgical termination then as I had been in hospital with ovarian cysts that lead to sepsis, etc, no heartbeat so they said I should get a termination). I’ve since been given a gynae referral, yesterday I saw a gynae specialist who said that what I had thought was a decidual cast looked more like a miscarriage to her and I have had fertility blood tests today and will get my day 21 test on Valentine’s Day.

I just feel sick at myself because a mutual friend got a random girl pregnant and was bragging all over Facebook about being able to ‘knock someone up’ from a one night stand, and in my head I kind of though fuck you, how selfish is this fucking world that I try and try and nothing except bad things happen and he has a drunk shag that leads to pregnancy. Now the girl has miscarried at 13 weeks I feel bad for thinking it. And my partners sister is pregnant and he wants me to visit for baby shower etc (she’s only 10 weeks so nothing too soon) but I just feel like telling him to fuck off and stop mentioning her baby to me.

She’s younger than us and it was an accident and my partner is so excited to become an uncle but everytime I think about it I just get so upset and angry? I feel like I’m going crazy. I feel so selfish. I never want to see her pregnant or see her baby ever. I’m so glad I live at the other end of the country but I’m running out of excuses.

I’m trying to make myself feel better by counting myself as being on cycle 2 and having a ‘fresh start’ in 2020 but obviously I know it’s not actually cycle 2 at all. I’m having counselling starting Monday about the termination as the guilt and regret is killing me. I know I couldn’t have put a heartbeat there or stopped the sepsis from harming it but I just wish I could have.

This post is a mess. Sorry. I just feel like I’m done it’s making me feel like giving up with everything.

You will get through it. I had 10 years of early miscarriages / implantation failure and IVF and desperate ttc before a consultant finally got to the root of the problem and I got the BFP that led to my DC. I had to deal with countless friends and family get pregnant and then make tactless remarks. BF even patted my sil on her shoulder when they told us and said he was proud of her for getting pregnant ‘while she was young’ knowing DH and I were getting fertility treatment. Some people are just idiots - ignore them and if you can’t delete them from your life.

As for the termination - were you offered counselling? If not definitely reach out to your GP.

I don’t think you hate them, I think you’re dealing with an awful lot of pain and awfulness and your heart is hurting

That’s completely reasonable.

The twat bragging on Facebook would be a twat even if you were in a happy place in your life, block him. Baby showers can be grim so of course you don’t have to go to your partner’s sister’s, it’s your choice, not his.

Protect yourself from any additional stress and heartache. Lean on the decent people in your life, ignore the insensitive arseholes. I wish you every luck with ttc

It is so hard.

@grumpyhoonmain yes I get counselling starting on Monday! It just kind of feels like it’s pointless because it won’t change anything though :/

It scares me thinking it will take so long though, I don’t know how much I can hold out it’s making me more and more depressed every cycle. I’m also terrified my fertility tests come back completely fine and there’s no explanation and no fix for any of this, and then what do I do? I just feel so lost

my experience is the exception though - it took that long because I relied too much on the NHS for testing. They knew I had PCOS and so when Clomid didn’t work (which it tends to do for PCOS sufferers) they diagnosed me as Unexplained. It took my first private cycle and three transfers for other tests to be offered and then it turned out I had like a gazillion possible causes. I treated each one and unsurprisingly the next cycle worked.

In the meantime I focussed on myself - I went to the gym, treated myself with nice clothes / good food, applied for promotions, socialised with friends. Anything to get my mind off my infertility. I had the added responsibility of my DNs (have custody) so that did take some of the edge of the desperation somewhat but would be gutted when they left to visit their parents.

I felt the same as you and it translated into some serious anxiety but Counselling does help - I preferred CBT and mindfulness / physical therapies (I did laughter training too) to help deal as traditional talking therapies didn’t work. Just try as much as possible - the NHS can be fairly good at MH referrals when it’s to do with pregnancy / birth and miscarriage.

I get it. My husband and I firstly wanted to have a secure home, decent jobs etc where we could bring up a child more easily and be the one to give my parents their first grandchild (I'm the eldest) and we started trying. In autumn 2018, my younger sister announced she was accidentally pregnant - literally rang me and said hey I'm pregnant... I was heartbroken and all I had for months from my mum and sister was how exciting this was to get the first grandchild. I was lucky to fall pregnant the following April but for the whole of my hard pregnancy, it was compared to hers and in fact when we did the fb announcement the first comment from mum was 'ooo second grandchild' and from sister 'oh, cousin for x'.
I didn't enjoy pregnancy, had a traumatic labour and am struggling with motherhood. My main advice is to be kind to yourself, infertility and especially when it's unexplained is brutal and until someone is in that position they can never truly understand.

I am sorry you're in this situation, it is so unfair. I have been trying a similar amount of time and had a miscarriage a while ago, I am now going through my first ivf cycle (I find out tomorrow if it has been successful)

I think it is totally normal to feel resentful of people who are pregnant or with babies. It makes me feel sad every time I hear an announcement. I have started avoiding friends who I know might be trying as I just can't convincingly fake happiness for them.
You have to do what you need to to get through this, it is the time to be selfish. If you can't handle your sis in laws shower, don't go. Make and excuse or tell her the truth, that it is too hard for you. If she is a nice person she will understand.
In my opinion, when you start getting tests done etc it does get easier to cope with. It feels like you're doing something about it.
Good luck and 🤞x

It's completely normal to feel like that in those circs. I remember bawling my eyes out when someone brought a baby into work, I remember crossing the street to avoid prams. It's ok to avoid pg people as much as you can for a bit and look after yourself.

I really hope it does all work out for you in the end, and it's all worth it.

Thank you everyone. It’s nice to know I’m not just being selfish and that it’s fairly normal. I just hate the unknown, obviously, it feels like nothing will be good enough. Like if the fertility tests come back good I think I’ll panic more as there’ll be nothing I can do; if they come back bad I’m worried about the cost of IVF and the cost of freezing eggs if that’s needed. It just feels like everybody else gets pregnant so easily! My cousin has had a baby and is pregnant again in the time I’ve been trying, my other cousin had her baby and is trying again now and I’m certain she will be pregnant before me too. I’m sick of it :/