To always be the one to initiate contact?

[FelicityPancake]

I have recently stopped messaging a male friend who I thought I had a mutual attraction with but he hasn’t contacted me for weeks since I stopped initiating messages. Oh well. I obviously didn’t mean very much to him. I have learned my lesson there and am trying very hard to move on.

However, it got me thinking that I tend to do the initiating with all of my friendships. I’m a mum of 2 and have a very busy life, as do most of my friends. I suspect that 6-12 months could easily pass without me hearing from them if I were to stop contact. I’m a very organised person and can multi task easily so keeping on top of the friendships is easy enough for me.

But... should I stop doing this? I think that my friends like me and enjoy my company. Their lack of initiating isn’t because of me I don’t think. It’s because they’re all busy with work, children and partners. When they socialise it tends to be with family.

AIBU for being the friend who always initiates contact?

I stopped initiating contact with 'friends' because I realised it was always down to me.

I have less friends now and I'm much happier.

But I think I would lose all of my friends if I stopped initiating contact! I’m not unhappy about contacting them but I don’t want to be a fool and force friendships onto people.

Are they really friends if they don't care?

For example:
A - best friend from school, female, 3 children, 1 dog, husband, busy part time job, I’m the only friend she sees.
L - very close relatively new female friend from child’s school, 1 child, busy full time job, husband, I’m one of 2-3 close friends.
B - close male friend from uni, ridiculously busy job, wife, 3 children, has some other friends but I’m his closest.
Etc, etc. Times about 10 people.

Are they really friends if they don't care?
I don’t know. That’s why I’m wondering. It’s not like they’re seeing other friends who they prefer. I think they’re all just about coping (young children and work) so maybe they don’t have the capacity for anything more. They all seem happy to hear from me.

I am an initiator but I am sociable and don’t want to lose touch with people I like. I think people mainly appreciate the effort I make to stay in touch with them. I have noticed a couple of old friends not be too enthusiastic about meeting up so I just let those ones fizzle out but I do keep maintaining other friendships even if it is one sided because I get pleasure from it so why not.

I am in a similar situation Op, am also very organised and find it very easy to message friends in amongst other tasks. Married and a mum of 2 (young adults, but still can be time consuming), work, have a dog, do all house admin and some Money admin for DC too (related to inheritance).

I get very frustrated with some friends, and have some long term friends with whom I only exchange a Christmas card now as they never made the effort.

One of these was my best friend at school 40+ yrs ago, I was her bridesmaid, she did register signing at our wedding, didn’t want to be bridesmaid as was in middle of IVF. She had twins the following summer, I made the 2 hr journey to see them a few weeks later at start of my Mat leave. That was 22+ yrs ago and she still hasn’t met my kids! Despite us living alongside a motorway that I know she has travelled on a lot, and very close to the uni that her DS attended. Her Xmas card after he went said “we will definitely call when taking him to uni”. I am still waiting but think he will have graduated now 😂.

It’s a hard one, but I have gone down the route of still contacting those who I genuinely know are less organised, and who seem to still enjoy my company when we meet.