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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a bad person?

29 replies

Adviceline20 · 29/01/2020 18:57

My nan passed away recently. I was left to deal with all the admin and pay for her funeral. Her direct relatives are me and my 2 siblings. I recently discovered the hospital was neglectful in her care and I could make a claim for compensation. If I make the claim and we are successful the compensation automatically gets divided by the three grandchildren. The relationship between us is fraught. I was the only person to ever act I my grandmothers best interests, the other 2 used her financially and caused a lot of upset in the family. I am considering not making the claim just so those 2 don’t receive any compensation (neither of them would initiate a claim but would be willing to accept the money should I go through with it and put all the effort in). Does it make me a bad person? because I am willing to forgo the compo to ensure my 2 siblings don’t profit? I can’t stand the thought of them financially benefiting from this, I don’t know what to do!

OP posts:
SunOnAll · 29/01/2020 19:02

Do you really need the money you'd potentially receive if your claim was successful?

If yes, claim. If not, don't go through the stress.

If you do, I'd ignore the fact your siblings would get 2/3rds, write it off in your mind. Is it fair? No. But sadly, that's the reality of life.

Jmaxx44 · 29/01/2020 19:04

Were you able to pay for the funeral and other expenses from her estate? I thought that was common practice? Then the remainder of the inheritance would have been split equally between you and your siblings? if you’re not fussed on getting the compensation that’s fair enough but if you would like the money and won’t claim it because of your siblings it seem like you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face? If you have to pay legal fees to claim I would take that from the payout and split the remaining compensation so you aren’t out of pocket?

WellWellWellWhatHaveWeHere · 29/01/2020 19:07

Are they able to make the claim, if they can be bothered? If they are, I don’t think you are wrong to leave it. If you don’t need the money or the closure yourself, why run about doing something which will benefit relatives you don’t get on with, when they could do themselves?

Different (in my view) if you are the only person able to make the claim and by playing judge and jury about whether they are worthy recipients you are denying them the possibility of their share of compensation.

Original poster
Adviceline20 · 29/01/2020 19:07

Thanks for your response. I dislike the fact anyone can benefit financially but I am told that the failings are a repeat and the only way to enforce change is to hit the care company where it hurts- financially. I just want change so it doesn’t happen again, I know that sounds naive but I do. I could benefit from the money but hate the thought of those users receiving anything!

OP posts:
Original poster
Adviceline20 · 29/01/2020 19:09

She didn’t have anything in her estate so the costs of funeral fell to me. They are able to make the claim but won’t bother with the hassle. And yes I am definitely cutting my nose off to spite my face which is why I feel bad!

OP posts:
Mlou32 · 29/01/2020 19:20

I think the 'bad' thing is trying to take money off the NHS in the first place. How could you? All you're doing is taking money away from people who need it, patients like your grandmother.

The NHS sets aside a fortune to cover insurance, compensation claims etc. Money that could be put to very good working towards more sophisticated, up to date treatments and bettering patient care.

SunOnAll · 29/01/2020 19:21

In that case, I'd claim.

Hopefully you can be reimbursed for the funeral costs, and the complaints you'll raise are important for future care.

Yes, it's frustrating your siblings will benefit - it's understandable to have complex emotions, but with your practical head on, claiming seems sensible.

Sorry for your loss, too Flowers

WellWellWellWhatHaveWeHere · 29/01/2020 19:21

Ah. From your update then, since the money would be handy for you and you really want the care system to change, I think you need to go for it. Hold your nose and swallow. Hopefully karma will get them in the end, if they conduct themselves in such a despicable manner.

CapaldiL · 29/01/2020 19:24

I'd claim to teach the care company a lesson. If a vulnerable person has been let down the best way to attempt to ensure it doesn't happen again is to follow through with some kind of consequence. Too many elderly people are treated in an unacceptable way and it's not good enough.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 29/01/2020 19:44

Who would you be claiming against?
If it's the NHS, don't claim.
If it's repeat failings in one hospital, contact your MP and the press instead.

Original poster
Adviceline20 · 29/01/2020 20:03

Mlou32. It’s a private healthcare company actually. I also work for the NHS and understand the financial complexities involved however where there has been injustice that has cost lives compensation should be provided!

OP posts:
yellowallpaper · 29/01/2020 20:28

Have you actually had a true estimate of the value of the compensation? You were not financially dependent on her, so it would only be a nominal sum and you wouldn't even be guaranteed success. I am currently suing the NHS for negligence and I can assure you it's a fraught and long drawn out process, even if this is a private care home.

Personally I would discuss with the owners the level of care, and negligence and see it they can alter their practices.

yellowallpaper · 29/01/2020 20:29

Maybe even recompense funeral costs to you?

Mlou32 · 29/01/2020 20:39

I'm not sure anyone should ever be entitled to compensation from the NHS. It is a benevolent entity and all that a person does who sues the NHS is take money away from patients who are in desperate need to line their own pockets. It is disgusting.

Anyway, that's not the point because it is a private healthcare company that you're suing. If it is a case of them neglecting to provide adequate care to to your nan to simply save money (which often it is ie poor staffing levels) then perhaps you do need to retaliate in the same way; by going for money. However I don't know the ins and outs so can't really say.

BamboozledandBefuddled · 29/01/2020 20:45

OP, I have a family like yours and understand you completely. If you don't need the compensation, then don't claim it. And it does not make you a bad person Flowers

Jmaxx44 · 29/01/2020 21:06

I don’t think you should feel bad about not wanting your siblings to benefit financially, it’s probably normal considering the upset they have caused you. But you have to also do what’s best for you and try to put your feelings for your siblings to one side, otherwise they are denying you something you are entitled to.

yellowallpaper · 30/01/2020 19:35

@Mlou32 You are just showing total bloody ignorance and a seriously judgemental attitude to people who sue hospital trusts for negligence.

Firstly the money doesn't come from the NHS budget but from a government fund set up to compensate victims (and they are victims) of negligence.

Secondly do you honestly think any amount of money would compensate if your child was damaged at birth and couldn't move independently, speak or eat? Fucking seriously?

Thirdly the parents can't touch the money, it's for the child and their future and is managed by a court appointed deputy.

Stick your judgements up your a**e

Mlou32 · 30/01/2020 21:17

@yellowallpaper are you really that dim? Of course it is money being taken from the NHS. If they didn't have to set that money aside for money grabbers then it could be put towards the NHS. Which could pay for more doctors, nurses, more high tech treatments etc. Which could result in a better standard of care and thus less people being harmed.

Clearly I've hit a raw nerve of one of the money grabbers that I'm describing...

Pukkatea · 30/01/2020 21:46

@Mlou32 standard of care also won't improve if the NHS is answerable to noone. But you're obviously one of those NHS fanatics who think everyone in it deserves a sainthood.

yellowallpaper · 31/01/2020 02:12

@Mlou32 I and DH work in the NHS. Mistakes are made. Are people supposed to have their lives destroyed and be left to pick up the pieces. Lose their homes, jobs and health and told by idiots like you to suck it up. What incentive is that to stop making the same mistakes over and over again.

Compensation comes out of the government run NHS Resolution fund. A type of insurance. Not from NHS budgets. Of course if the same mistakes weren't made repeatedly, there would be extra money available for all social services but the government won't adequately fund the NHS and help prevent avoidable errors.

Oh, and my child is as described in my post due to a midwife being too busy to prevent me and DC almost haemorrhaging to death

Spamantha · 31/01/2020 03:27

I'm not sure anyone should ever be entitled to compensation from the NHS. It is a benevolent entity and all that a person does who sues the NHS is take money away from patients who are in desperate need to line their own pockets. It is disgusting.
Vile attitude.

Spamantha · 31/01/2020 03:34

So someone goes in for a routine operation.

Due to negligence of some of the hospital staff (and negligence is a pretty high threshold in medical settings), they're left with lifelong disability. They lose their job and face losing their home. They wont be able to work again.

And @Mlou32 thinks that, if that person wants compensation so they can continue to support themselves and their dependents, they're 'disgusting' and a 'money grabber'.

springydaff · 31/01/2020 03:54

Anyway...

You are NOT a bad person! Of course you're not.

Put those two users out of your head. They will get their recompense for being horrible people - if they aren't already. Resentment toward them only makes you miserable (I speak as an arch resenter, so don't think I think it's easy...).

Do it to get the bastards make sure something like this doesn't happen to anyone else. If you must. This would be the only reason to do it - but you have to factor in the gruelling process and work out if you're up to that? If you're not, then don't do it.

You sound like a great person Star

BoomBoomsCousin · 31/01/2020 03:56

Is there any way for you to initiate a claim but channel all proceeds to a charity or a memorial in your nan's name? I don't know if that's legal - you'd have to seek advice if that seemed like something you'd want to do.

I think repeat failings in healthcare situations do need pressure - but I don't think you're a bad person if you aren't prepared to go through that for the benefit of your siblings. It's fine to base your decision on how you would feel at the end of the process.

DonKeyshot · 31/01/2020 04:11

I suggest you talk to your siblings, state that you have reason to believe you can instigate a claim against your gm's care home and big it up so they are left with the impressions that, if successful, the outcome will be ££££££'s.

Tell them you are prepared to do the grunt work but you're not prepared to go all the time and trouble it will take to progress the claim unless they indemnify you for your gm's funeral expenses to be paid to you from any proceeds payable from the claim before the balance is shared 3 ways.

Be sure to get their agreement in writing and have a third party on hand to witness their signatures.

Of course, one of your siblings may choose to instigate the claim in which case you can put your feet up and await whatever sum drops into your lap.