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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for not wanting to kiss nephew

53 replies

NotHereToMakeFriends · 29/01/2020 17:04

I'll keep this short.

I have four brothers and two of them have children. I am closer to one of their kids than I am to the others due to having to look after one of them once a week whilst my SIL recovered from a c-section and didn't want the older one (who was three at the time) to feel like he was being pushed out. I'm also their emergency contact at school, purely because I live closer than anyone else and have the emergency house key. I have a strong relationship with them.

My other brother who's kids I adore keep trying to get me to kiss my nephew on the head when they leave. To be clear, I don't do this with any of the kids in my family, I do hugs and high-fives and it's always been that way with both sets of kids. He's insisting that my nephew will know I don't love him because I'm the only one who doesn't kiss him goodbye. I settle for a high-five with him and he loves it and laughs every time I do this and this goes on for a few minutes and in return, I get plenty of laughs and smiles. I treat his kids no different to how I treat my other brother's kids but I've never been asked to babysit due to her parent's and my parent's being closer.

AIBU for not wanting to kiss my nephew goodbye? Do you think he will grow up thinking I don't love him because of this?

OP posts:

SmileyClare · 30/01/2020 11:52

Well you sound like a lovely auntie. It must be a bit grating to go through the whole charade of "kiss grandma goodbye..kiss grandad...kiss auntie bye bye and so on every blooming time!

It seems an odd hill to die on OP but it's up to you. Equally it's odd the parents are making such a fuss about this when you devote so much time and energy to their dc and are fond of them. Ungrateful arseholes

Perhaps you could compromise by blowing a kiss and telling your brother not to be so silly.

MockingJay27 · 30/01/2020 11:58

I agree with you children should never be forced to kiss adults, I remember having to do this and dreading it even now at 30. My nephew regularly kisses me but he’s just a very affectionate child and he does it without prompting which is fine, I hate the phrase “go and give everyone kisses” when leaving, just weird.

SmileyClare · 30/01/2020 12:08

What would happen if you were (eg) baby sitting and your nephew asked you to Kiss his knee better or wanted to kiss you at some point? Would you tell him No you know the rules. I don't do kisses.
I would see that as a bit strange..

AgentPrentiss · 30/01/2020 12:08

Those who think it’s odd and weird and wondering why she can’t just “give them a quick peck” and other such nonsense - are you those weird people who force their kids to hug and kiss relatives too even if they don’t want to? Why or why not? Are you not teaching your kids to know their own personal boundaries and does that not extend into adulthood? Would you all tell a man he’s odd for not giving his nieces and nephews a kiss if he didn’t want to?

Original poster

NotHereToMakeFriends · 30/01/2020 12:08

@SmileyClare aww thanks. I do try to be the best aunty I can be. I'll tell them that next time I see them.

OP posts:

SunshineAngel · 30/01/2020 12:09

You can kiss who you like, as can they.

I have a friend who always insists her kids kiss me goodbye when I'm leaving, and the girl always goes in for a full kiss on the lips. Even when she's clearly ill, and full of snot or worse.

My friend once told her to kiss me goodbye when she had noro as I'd nipped a bit of shopping round for them as they were struggling to get out of the house - and then wouldn't speak to me for days when I refused to kiss her on the lips!!!!

OneForMeToo · 30/01/2020 12:11

No I don’t kiss people’s kids. Ew all those bugs from school/nursery. Nope no thank you. Plus why should I be made to kiss anyone. My lips my choice

Original poster

NotHereToMakeFriends · 30/01/2020 12:12

@SmileyClare luckily he's at such a young age so no grazed knees yet. the Older nephew the other day hurt his ankle whilst playing up for me when I babysat him (Just to note he was going through the i'm not tired faze at 9pm at night). He asked me to kiss it better, I kissed my hand and placed it on his ankle and told him that he gets my extra strong healing powers because I've carried the kiss from my heart to his ankle. He seemed okay with that.

(the ankle was fine no more than 2 minutes later when he decided to start running up and down the stairs for no reason. I repeat 9pm at night and this kid is full of energy. He's 6)

OP posts:

soundsystem · 30/01/2020 12:13

YANBU

If he was trying to kiss you and you were actively backing away/making "ew" faces that would be different, but it sounds like you're both happy with hugs/high fives and it's just his parents who have an issue?

Original poster

NotHereToMakeFriends · 30/01/2020 12:15

@soundsystem yep. He is over the moon with high fives and hugs. TBH I think he prefers them but he's only two so it's a little early to read his likes and dislikes.

OP posts:

JayoftheRed · 30/01/2020 12:15

If I tried to kiss my nephew, he'd probably wallop me. He's 2, and while we have a great relationship, we don't do kissing.

SmileyClare · 30/01/2020 12:17

AgentPrentiss I wouldn't force my children to kiss any relatives. I remember being told off when I was little for wiping off a kiss with my hand when my elderly grandmother kissed my face

I just wondered if it was odd for an adult auntie to have a rigid rule of "I don't do kisses" in all situations and feeling deeply uncomfortable about it and whether that rule could ever be bent in some situations.

BottleOfJameson · 30/01/2020 12:19

Sounds like you have a specific issue with touch/kissing. Either way just let your brother know you don't feel comfortable with it. I don't think children should be forced to hug and kiss and nor should adults.

Highonpotandused · 30/01/2020 12:20

Whilst I think YANBU (you are treating all the kids the same, and actually I feel sorry for kids who get kissed too much on the face, some hate it), I do wonder how a kiss on the head is any more intimate than a hug?

I am closer to one of their kids than I am to the others due to having to look after one of them once a week whilst my SIL recovered from a c-section and didn't want the older one (who was three at the time) to feel like he was being pushed out.

I don't understand what this means? Which kid are you having?

CurrynChips · 30/01/2020 12:28

Yadnbu. On meeting up with my niece once I kissed the top of her head whilst she was giving me a big hug, to which she delightedly squealed "You just kissed my nits".

I stick to hugs now.

Original poster

NotHereToMakeFriends · 30/01/2020 12:29

I looked after the now 6-year-old whilst working part-time during my SIL c-section. Before his brother was born he was the only child in our family and was spoilt by the grandparents and she feared he would get pushed out due to his brother being born. About a year later my other brother (the one who I'm having a problem with) had his kids about a year later. He then said I was favouring brother no.1 kids over his kids and that's where a lot of issues started.

We developed a close bond and I took him out a lot during my weekly babysitting and he just seems to be closer to me than his other aunties (SIL sisters) but I try not to favour him above the others as I treat them all fairly. Brother no.2. doesn't like this bond I have with him but he's never really trusted me with his kids for some reason so I am unable to build the bond I have with the other two.

OP posts:

chockaholic72 · 30/01/2020 12:33

My friend does this. Her kids don't want to kiss me, and I don't want to kiss them if they don't want to. So I swing sideways at the last minute and give them a big raspberry on the cheek - always makes them laugh and they've started asking for a kiss now because they know they'll get a raspberry. Because then they can give one back to me :-)

NaviSprite · 30/01/2020 12:34

My twins are 2 and the only people who give kisses are me and DH and sometimes GP’s if they’re lucky. YANBU OP.

Sometimes I have to hold back on kisses and cuddles with my two because they make it clear they’re not in the mood for that level of affection - well to me it’s clear but to others it’s subtle I suppose. I don’t think children should be forced into affectionate displays they don’t want and adults shouldn’t either.

Question though - if your nephew were to ask for a kiss from his Aunty would you do so? I think that would be one instance where you’d possibly have to compromise so as to not confuse him

Original poster

NotHereToMakeFriends · 30/01/2020 12:40

If I get such a request i'll bite the bullet and give them a kiss on the head not lips as I think this is weird from a non-parent. This type of request has come yet.

I don't want them to feel like I hate them because I don't hate them at all, but I try to show my affection in different ways like always interacting with them, playing with them constantly, having conversations with them even if they don't talk yet and generally just making them laugh.

OP posts:

BathroomBaby · 30/01/2020 12:46

I agree with you OP and I think you should educate the children that its is not okay to demand another person hugs or kisses someone else. Use it as an opportunity for them to learn about healthy boundaries.

mbosnz · 30/01/2020 12:52

It's okay not to be a kissy person. It does not scar a child for life, or irrevocably damage relationships with a child if you give a preferred alternative, such as a hug or a high five.

Adults rights to personal autonomy are important too.

What a ridiculous mountain out of a molehill your brother is making - and it also seems very controlling somehow, perpetually trying to guilt trip you into doing something you don't want to do.

FilthyforFirth · 30/01/2020 13:09

My family are big kissers. We have a big family so its kisses for everyone hello and goodbye. Drives my DH mad. I do ask DS to kiss everyone, but once he reaches the age where he expresses a dislike for it (he's only 2) I wont ask him to continue. I have 7 neices and nephews and I kiss all of them apart from 1 who doesnt like it. His parents get cross but I insist on giving him a hug instead.

I think it is important to teach children they dont have to do anything with their bodies they dont want to.

NaviSprite · 30/01/2020 14:11

Then you’re absolutely fine OP. I’m not an overly touchy person (different with my own DC of course) but I don’t think a child needs kisses to know you love them - you sound like a lovely Aunt by the way

Highonpotandused · 30/01/2020 14:37

I do agree with lip kissing being weird. My parents were very affectionate but never kissed us in the lips and I would have cringed if they ever had.

Blackbirdblue30 · 30/01/2020 14:45

YANBU. No one should be forced into physical contact. I don't want to kiss my infant nephews because they are usually snotty/dribbly/carrying a bug. They don't want to kiss me either! Their father has insisted on a show of 'hugs and kisses' from time to time and it makes everyone uncomfortable when there's mutual refusal. We're happy waving.

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