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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for wanting dh to be generous?

45 replies

brightonlovedaisy · 29/01/2020 14:42

so... longtime lurker, first-time poster. please help me clear up something that's been on my mind... we (dh and I) had a drinks party for our daughter's christening, when the bubbles ran out I ordered some more. when dh saw - he said, something to the effect of 'spend all my money' I commented back, that I would pay for the extra drinks. He is the breadwinner, by a long way. would you be upset? AIBU? thank you in advance!

OP posts:

LemonPrism · 29/01/2020 15:36

Depends what you spent. More than £100 and I'd discuss it with DP. Especially if he put more in the pot.

Highonpotandused · 29/01/2020 15:36

So he gets to be flash but you don't?

I would read him the riot act over this, OP.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 29/01/2020 15:37

Hmm I would say 'alright, spending all my money' to dp if he did this, but only in a jokey way. He is the main earner now and I would still say it. Surely if you have a child all money is family money in reality?

emelle · 29/01/2020 15:38

YABU, whether its considered joint money or not, you obviously got carried away. Of course hes not going to stop you doing it if you are ordering in front of everyone, how embarrassing would that be. I think if his wage is currently supporting the family then you should be more respectful of that. I also think you are turning it on its head by making the point that he said "my" money to justify your whinge about it. How many hours did he need to work for those 4 bottles? Where I am, in a pub, that would easily equate to £120 straight off. On minimum wage, factoring in tax, it would take 21 hours of work to earn that.

desperatesux · 29/01/2020 16:06

Yes this would bother me, the people who are saying YABU are the ones where money is tight or an issue, when it is not these comments mean far far more
I would be having a serious conversation with him about it too

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 29/01/2020 16:12

I’m a SAHM with high earning dh (not that it’s relevant) and yeah I’d be pissed off with this.
My dh used to pull shit like this in the early days - then I wised up (mainly through being on mumsnet a lot!) and started pulling him up on it EVERY SINGLE TIME he made a comment like that.
Explain to him that it’s not his money, it’s family money. You have presumably given up your earning potential to look after your dc? Otherwise you would have to employ a nanny/cleaner etc? Ask him why he thinks you should have to ask his permission when you want to order something. Ask him does he feel that you should have to ask permission, if he says yes ask him to explain why - and watch him squirm!
You need to have a frank and honest discussion about money/finances and what he sees is your ranking in the family (does he see you as an equal)?
Lots of men think like this and it’s wrong, but it has to be talked about and not brushed under the carpet. It will make for a healthier relationship.

FlowerArranger · 29/01/2020 16:13

What would he have considered a reasonable alternative?

Clearly there was not enough bubbles for this event.

Short of having your guests staring at their empty glasses, what was HIS game plan?

HugeAckmansWife · 29/01/2020 16:21

I think a quick discussion might have been sensible first but the 'my' rather than 'our' thing would piss me off to. To the pp who asked how many hours he worked to pay for it, I would reply, fewer than he'd have to if he were also paying for childcare. My ex also used to do this when I was in mat leave.. Except he was and still is generally tight with money and can't understand why you might just want to splash out a little. I think a genuinely serious conversation needs to be had before this becomes entrenched.

lastqueenofscotland · 29/01/2020 16:29

In some venues really naff booze can be £15-20 a bottle so a quick “are we good to grab some more” would be worthwhile.
Also you haven’t said if things are a bit tight. If they are you we’re both being a bit unreasonable

1forAll74 · 29/01/2020 16:32

Could have been a little jokey comment, as I have heard this said by some people before, but only you would know if it was jokey or not.

But maybe it was not on to say it in front of lots of people.

Highonpotandused · 29/01/2020 16:39

I suspect he feels it was his decision as the breadwinner to order more bottles if he thought it necessary. He does see himself as superior. M

YABU, whether its considered joint money or not, you obviously got carried away.

4 bottles isn’t getting carried way. And op says he is well off so your minimum wage comment is irrelevant.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 29/01/2020 16:45

@desperatesux it's not really. Everyone has different spending priorities, just because someone might be well off doesn't mean they'd automatically be happy to spend lots of money on alcohol.

RedskyAtnight · 29/01/2020 16:48

Whether anyone is BU depends on what you agreed beforehand.

It sounds like the idea was that you paid for a certain number of drinks and then guests bought their own. You "changed the rules" to buy more than you'd agreed. I'd be annoyed too.

I also agree the "spending all my money" is the sort of things DH would say in a jokey way to me, so again, context is everything.

billy1966 · 29/01/2020 17:34

If it's niggling, there's a reason OP.

If you are a SAHM, nip it in the bud. Now.

BlueJava · 29/01/2020 17:37

I'm the high earner in our house, if we had guests and DP felt more bubbly or whatever was needed then I'd expect him to absolutely go ahead and get it, especially if it was that sort of occasion.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 03/02/2020 09:25

I think money should be family money but if one person is very careful with money and the other is less anxious it can lead to stress. I know families where there's a joint account for shared bills and separate accounts for personal spending. That way one can save and the other can spend and no one feels guilty.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 03/02/2020 18:52

I’d be cross if I were him too. It is his money and he obviously wasn’t happy ordering more drinks. I’d be very anxious about money if I were the sole earner too.

Flamingnora123 · 03/02/2020 19:49

It could be him being an arsehole or you could just he making something out of nothing. If my husband went to the bar and spent a tonne of cash with my card without consulting me I'd make a similar comment, but it he'd run it by me first I would be fine with it. I think it's just normal to run it past anyone before you spend joint finances.

BennytheBall · 03/02/2020 19:53

I would be furious at the 'my money' comment. And as you can afford it, what is the issue.

Your guests should feel spoiled imo.

Flamingnora123 · 03/02/2020 19:54

My husband is the higher earner, in exactly the same position I would have responded, "Too right, we're parched." Do you think you might be sensitive to this because you're not earning? I think the only way to find out what he meant is to talk to him, you'll know what he meant by his reaction to your concerns. If he meant nothing by it he'll be remorseful that it made you feel inadequate/bad/embarrassed/annoyed.

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