AIBU to ask if you have different feelings for children that you share with an ex opposed to those you have with a current partner?

[carebearsarego]

I wasn’t sure how to word this post, but it’s something that I have been thinking about a lot.

I have 4 children, 1 who’s in their late teens and 3 young primary aged kids.

I split with my eldests dad when he was only 4 months old, his dad was abusive and violent towards me. I was really young when I had him, and from him being a newborn onwards he has always spent part of the week with either his dad or my mum, so lots of overnight stays etc.

I had my subsequent 3 children in my later years, and am classed as an older mum now. My relationship with their dad is great, and we have a lovely life.

What upsets me is that since having my younger children I realise how my bond with my eldest is pretty much non existent . Despite me always making sure he was fed and clothed etc, during his younger years I was still wanting to go out partying all the time, and because he spent at least 2 days each week away from me, I feel like maybe I never really formed a proper attachment to him?

With my younger ones they have never stayed away overnight, and I absolutely adore them and they are my complete world.

My eldest still lives with me, but he struggles with his mental health and doesn’t seem to really have ever found “his tribe”. He loves his siblings but it feels like he is always on the periphery of the family, which I am aware is awfully sad for him and must hurt?

Please don’t flame me, I want to know if others have experienced this with their children?

Hi op, I didn't want to read and run. I don't have children so can't comment on feeling the same. But I just wanted to say not to be so hard on yourself. When you had your first, you were a lot younger and your circumstances were different. It sounds like he had a great opportunity to build a relationship with your mum too. I'm sure he doesn't feel different to them, it is just different circumstances and a different type of upbringing..
It is never too late to build a bond, could you see if your son would like a weekend away (depending on finances) focusing on his interests? Make it clear how much you love him and by spending the 1 on 1 time, he will really see it.

I don't think you should beat yourself up over this, you did the best you could at the time in the circumstances. Your son was loved and cared for and still is.

However if you're feeling like this I agree with the PP about a big effort for 1:1 time especially as your son struggles with his mental health. Maybe he needs some extra support from mum to show him how loved and valued he really is.

It sounds like you did your best with the cards you had at the time.

You have some great awareness there and the opportunity now to spend time and build your relationship.

I did this. I was 17 and honestly disgusted in the way I treated my child like a burden. In reality I was trying to escape a situation I couldn't cope with

I got therapy and I have no other kids but we are now very close.

I have half siblings and can say I can see very clearly the differences in bonds and just familiarity between my half siblings and their married parents and it sucks so bad, I'm glad you are aware and are trying to rebond with your child.

Don't be hard on yourself, you were young. You now know better and do better and that's all any of us can do

OP I get you.
I try to make sure I plan things for the older ones but still things the younger one can do.
It's hard being a young mom and you really have had to grow up with your dc. Dont beat yourself up. As long as you can say your tried your best that's all dcs can hope for.

Your title focuses on different fathers, but the post is much more about different circumstances. So I think the fathers is a red herring.

I’m not surprised he feels on the periphery - his siblings have their dad at home, and they’re all much younger. He might feel left out even with the same sad with an age gap.

The thing to do is look forward.

What are you doing to support him with his mental health issues?
What are you doing to carve out time with him, that he doesn’t have to share with 3 young kids?

I actually disagree with @Cyberlibre about it never being too late to build a bond. I think at 15, you really need to prioritise him now. You have very few years of him still being a child. He might leave home in just three. Do not delay spending time with him.

OP - I could’ve written your post myself. Eldest is now at uni but we don’t have a particularly great relationship. It’s partly because of his own behaviour - he’s always been quite lazy and undisciplined. He’s 21 now and I think he should be more self-sufficient (he’s never had a part time job etc despite being in his 2nd year of the 2nd course he’s doing - he gave up the first course after a year). It winds me up because he’s so different to my other kids (who are all quite responsible and hard working - so far). But I worry am I to blame for the way he is? Is it because his father and I didn’t stay together and I was young when I had him. I always loved him lots and I think I was a good mum even though I was young but obviously he didn’t have that security that must come with your mum and dad being a happy unit together growing up.
I try to be there for him but we don’t really “get along” that well if I’m honest.
I don’t know the answer but I understand how you feel.

This post resonates with me so much, OP, I completely get it.

DD1 is now almost 9, she was born into a very different life to her little sister and it wasn’t until dd2 was born that I really realised what a mum ‘should’ feel like. It hit me quite hard because I completely adored dd2 from day 1 and she is the absolute joy of my life. It was really hard to admit to myself that I didn’t feel that for dd1.

Dd1, although fed and clothes and treated (in the material sense eg Xmas/birthdays, treats etc) equally has always proved more of a struggle to like and be patient with etc.

She has struggled with life without her dad, although hasn’t seen him since she was very small and has never lived with him and holds it against her sister that ‘she gets to live with her dad’.
We are due dd3 soon and I’m hoping that she will see that, actually, she wouldn’t hold that grudge against a little baby so she shouldn’t against a 4 year old either. There was a glimmer of hope last week that has sparked that thought!

I really don’t know the answer but I wanted to say that you’re not alone. My day to day mission is to try and cover my feelings so that dd1 doesn’t ever know but that’s never as easy as it sounds!

Can you spend more one to one time with him? Museums, city breaks?
It’s horrible feeling like you’re not your parents favourite and they favour their other children more.

I am so thankful that others have been so honest about their own experiences, as I sometimes feel like I must be a monster to feel so differently about them

I am definitely going to take the advice on here of trying to spend some time with him alone, I find his company quite difficult so I’m going to see if I can think of anything that he may enjoy.

WRT his mental health issues I support him as best as I can, but I don’t go to his appointments with him as he’s 17 and prefers to go alone.

Sorry to bump, just wondering if there’s anyone else who has experienced similar?

I feel like I could have written this and often have contemplated asking the question on here too. This makes me feel like I’m not so terrible. My DD is early teens, had her at 17. Split up with her dad he’s still the same which puts a lot of pressure on her. Met my DP who adores DD and had another little one. I’ve always felt a different bond and I hate to see traits of her dad in there, no doubt that I love her but I think it’s a different survivor bond of love. If that makes sense? I feel like a bit of a weight has been lifted to know I’m not alone with that feeling.

Those threads always make me sad because I have been on the receiving end of this.

My mom had me really young (16/17), my father was abusive, she had my brother at 18 and those years were a lot about survival for her (which I acknowledge)

She then found a new partner, had two kids and is now married to a third person and just had a baby.

It was clear to me that as soon as my step-siblings were born, our mom sidelined me and my brother, but me specifically for having been the first one and the one who I know, somehow trapped her.
I know as much as she will refuse to admit she hates seeing some our father in us, she probably also recent the fact that having children meant she had to stay longer in an abusive relationship than necessary.

Interestingly enough, she has done the exact same thing with my step-siblings, she split up with their date a few years ago and as soon as she found a new partner, sidelined them also, I haven't met the new baby so I have no idea how she feels about her vs the rest of my siblings but I know my (step) siblings feel sidelined as well.

Personally me and my mom are no contact because of this (hence why I haven't met the baby), I don't begrudge her feeling the way she does about her situation, it can't have been easy and I could understand being resentful but it's so incredibly unfair to make your kid pay for decision you made (not using protection/choosing not to have an abortion/ choosing not to give up the kid for adoption). I get that my mom suffered and that as such I am a constant reminder of her trauma, but imagine what it's like, having a deadbeat father and a mother who begrudge your existence for circumstances you didn't chose and are affecting you as much as her.

It's traumatic and it's definitely impacted many aspects of my life.

I have no idea what the solution is because I obviously haven't found but I guess it's good you are at least acknowledging it.

Do you think your feelings will change if you were to separate with your current partner and things went sour?

I feel like my mother was/is in the quest for a perfect happy ending and therefore remarries and have children on a whim to try and ''erase the past'' and restart history, and I am probably very petty and bitter but a low-key part of me hopes that this new baby brings her the same feelings I have given her and that they will have a similar relationship I do with her, because while I don't want this baby to suffer in any way, the behavior of my mum has been so painful that the idea that she could be the perfect mum with the perfect relationship to this new little girl (all my other sibling/step-siblings are boys so it's different) and act like I was just a bad moment of her life to get to her happy ending with the little girl she had always dreamed of will no doubt, cut too deep.

Again, not sure what's the solution is, obviously these types of feelings are tricky on both sides of the balance, maybe working on it with a professional could help?

I wish my mom had acknowledged it and tackled it, her not doing so has made me stronger but also ruined many aspects of my life I wish hadn't been affected. Remember that your son is also a victim of the circumstances surrounded his birth and that of all the protagonists in that story he was the one with the least say in it.

Whoops so many mistakes, my bad, was using voice to type as was busy with baby but obviously should know better, eek!

That’s really sad @linning, and this is what I am desperate to not do to my son, but I’m sure he can and does see how different my relationship is to his siblings compared to him

I definitely struggle with seeing so much of his father in him, but you are obviously right in that he is the victim in this and had no choice about being born

If I split up with the father of my younger children, I definitely wouldn’t feel differently about them, my love for them is how I know I should feel about all my children.

My DM had me at 17, split with my Dad as soon as we were born (twins) and got into an emotionally and physically abusive relationship and had another 2 children with him.
Stayed like that for a while till he ran off with someone else.
Shes been with her current DH for 15 years now. They have 2 DC together and it mostly feels like looking into the life they would have preferred to have.
I have a lot of resentment and emotional issues and whenever I spent time with my DM I make a lot of passive aggressive comments because I'm still so angry about the differences in lives.
I don't feel like she raised me because she wasn't really there, and when she was she acted like she didn't want to be.

Have you ever challenged her about it @princesspain? Or told her how she made you feel?

@carebearsarego

I have told my mother how she made me feel but she refuses to acknowledge it, making it worse and that’s pretty much what made it for me and made me go no contact.

If your son asked you if you prefer his siblings and treat them better? Will you honestly be honest with him and say yes, hurting his feelings or will you lie and say you don’t, dismissing his feelings? The problem is, most mothers who are confronted by this reality lie about it, because admitting they have a preference and are treating one of their kids worse than another is taboo and would be a terrible reflection of themselves.

Most of the time mothers like this will react by calling the child making (accurate) observation as ungrateful because “look at how much they have had to sacrifice for them, surviving abuse, yada yada” not realizing that the child too has had to survive abuse and IS surviving abuse by having to live being seen as a burden or lesser than his siblings for no fault of his own.

Please for the sake of your child OP, not sure if this is salvageable but seek professional help to deal with the feelings surrounding your son, your ex and his birth, you are ultimately making him pay and punishing him for being born to the father YOU chose for him.

My heart breaks at the thought that as a kid my dream was for my mom to be my best friend but that in reality she could only stand me to save the face and that it obviously could have never happened, I am sad at the thought that in the future my children won’t grow up with their grandparents (apart my step-siblings dad who I consider my father) simply because my parents couldn’t be arsed to love me and create an healthy environment for my sake.

That’s why I am 100% pro choice, I have made a good life for myself (as much as I could) but I would still have preferred for my mother to have made the correct choice to abort than having to have to learn to deal with the outcome of being born in those circumstances.

Sorry if my posts sound harsh but I want to give you a truthful insight into what it’s like to grow up with a mother who has those type of feelings and the mental impact (I was massively depressed and suicidal from the age of 9 till I moved out age 16)

I hold so much resentment that I have made my grandma my next of kin, she knows that my mother has no right to make any medical decision regarding me and that she is not to be made aware of my medical state and definitely not to be consulted for any medical decision (like turning the machines off) , she is also not allowed to plan or attend my funeral (neither is my biological father though I don’t worry about him) and that ideally I want her to be made aware of my death only after I have been buried or incinerated (whatever my family prefers), I would turn in my coffin in rage knowing she is at my funeral crying (or not?) like a victim when she obviously begrudged me being alive/the person I was for so long.

I hope you find a solution for you and your son OP, anything else only make everybody miserable. I hate feeling the way I do, I wish there would be a way to try and repair and rebuild but in my case I don’t think there is and whilst no contact is hard, contact with someone who doesn’t enjoy me is worse.

Good luck!

Thank you @linning, I’m going to look into getting some help with this so that I don’t destroy what’s left of his self esteem and self worth