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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What to do for a mum who's terminally ill

24 replies

zebredee · 29/01/2020 09:13

A mum at school who I know mainly through another friend has just found out her cancer has returned and she's not going to make it. 💔

She's married, with an 8 year old and 2 teenagers.

I'm not close to her but have known her to chat to at school for a few years.

I want to do something to help. I was thinking about crowdfunding to organise a special experience for their family to create some memories for their family.

I don't want to overstep the mark as I'm not that close. I would do it with a mutual friend who is close to her

Is it the kind of thing you can do as a surprise for someone or would you tell/ask them ?

Could we arrange a dinner out with her husband? Or a trip to Disney or equivalent?

What else could I do ? I'm not sure how well tired she's feeling nor how long she's got, they'll know more this week.

Thank you

OP posts:

Soontobe60 · 29/01/2020 09:15

I'm assuming your child and hers are at the same school? I'd maybe offer to help with school runs, but that's as far as I'd go. Anything else is just a bit weird.

FrankRattlesnake · 29/01/2020 09:17

As above, she may not want crowdfunding in her name and you won’t know here financial position. Talk to her and ask, simple things like the school run or a home naked dinner would mean more to me!

PolloDePrimavera · 29/01/2020 09:18

You are being kind and thoughtful. But I think practical help is better. An experience would be tinged with sadness. She probably just wants to make the most of her life as it is.

bsc · 29/01/2020 09:20

There's a bit of a gulf between a meal out with her DH and a trip to Disney!
I don't think either of those things are your concern or remit tbh, if this is another school gate mum.

FrankRattlesnake · 29/01/2020 09:21

Home made not naked!!!! Although that may float her boat too 😂😂

Original poster

zebredee · 29/01/2020 09:22

Ok thanks, good advice, I'll stick to that.

OP posts:

DowntonCrabby · 29/01/2020 09:24

I’d let the mutual friend take the lead but only if they’re very close to her. It’s a lovely thought but could be hugely overwhelming if neither of you are in her inner circle.

Offering practical help will be massively appreciated and if not required the thought will be.

turnandfacethenamechange · 29/01/2020 09:25

I was thinking about crowdfunding to organise a special experience for their family to create some memories for their family

It sounds a lovely idea but in reality she is likely to be terrified, furious, devestated, exhausted, sick or all of the above. When DM was dying we as a family hibernated, doing what needed to be done, moment to moment, to relieve her physical and emotional pain.

We did a couple of days but they were 100% at her direction and she absolutely HATED anyone trying to boss her into doing anything to "cheer her up" or "make memories" because they thought it would be good for her. I'm sorry, I know that sounds harsh. By all means float the idea but, even though it's natural to want to do something to help, the best thing people can do is practical help and the offer of emotional support (which acknowledges the person's pain and fear and how fucking shit it is).

Original poster

zebredee · 29/01/2020 09:33

Thank you so much, I'm lucky enough to not have experienced this first hand in my own inner circle. Your feedback has made me understand the reality of it more. It's just heart breaking and you want to do something to help but the practical help is a much better idea.
Thank you again

OP posts:

BelieveInPeople · 29/01/2020 09:38

I had a friend in a similar position and she would have been mortified by the attention, as lovely and thoughtful as your idea might be. If you know people that are closer to her you could sound them out as to what support she might appreciate, I wouldn’t take it further. So lovely of you to want to help though

chockaholic72 · 29/01/2020 09:56

Maybe a quiet word to someone closer offering to help when it starts to get difficult? I was very late teens when my mum became ill, so I took time out and my dad and I did the caring between us.

We did retreat a bit, to do what needed doing, and there came a point where my mum was bedbound and someone needed to be in the house all the time. What really helped was people offering to come round - sitting with her if she wanted company, or staying downstairs and doing ironing or whatever if she was grumpy (and there were days like these because my mum was cross that she was going to die). That time enabled my dad to go for a quick pint with his mates, or for a run, or for me to go for a swim, or to the supermarket (no deliveries in those days).

Everyone is different, and what helps for one doesn't help for another, but just ask. I will be forever grateful to those who asked if we needed help, but I'll always remember those who didn't too. I couldn't have got through that experience without one of mum's colleagues, but equally, the silence from some of her school mum mates, women whose kids she'd walked to and from school for years, and babysat, was deafening.

Original poster

zebredee · 29/01/2020 09:59

Thank you #chockaholic72. Sorry about your mum

OP posts:

purpleme12 · 29/01/2020 10:02

I don't know I would talk to her personality. Everyone different. Someone in our area we raised lots of money for so they could go abroad. I would talk to her to see what she does want before ruling anything out

Otter46 · 29/01/2020 10:03

Hey, a friend of mine has terminal cancer. We’ve tried to do practicable things. Do you have her number? One thing I read is people tend to say ‘let me know how I can help?’ Rather than specifically offering something. Once I read this I was more direct eg I’m taking my kids to the park tomorrow morning, would you like me to take yours too? (Then she and husband have a break together). We’re baking this afternoon, shall I bring over a cake and biscuits? Etc etc.

Lumene · 29/01/2020 10:06

If you want to do something to contribute financially I would give an anonymous gift of cash for them to use as they wish.

turnandfacethenamechange · 29/01/2020 10:23

chockaholic72 your post brings it back so vividly. The 24 he being there near the end...the grumpiness (although I'd say my mum was furious not grumpy). Poor you. Poor DMs. Poor us.

SunOnAll · 29/01/2020 10:51

I agree with turnandfacethenamechange - my friend died of cancer aged 33 last year and she just wanted/needed to spend time with her family and very inner circle of friends, but she was plagued by well-wishers who, to be honest, just came across as selfish.

A group of these well wishers (less close friends, work colleagues) organised a 'party' that she then felt she had to go to, despite being far too poorly - it was bloody awful, like a living wake, with all of them taking selfies with her and crying when they left, saying 'it could be the last time I see you'. It was horrible, but she was too kind to say no.

Practical help is a great suggestion.

NotNowMrTumnus · 29/01/2020 10:55

At this stage, take her kids out. If your DCs are friends with her DCs then have them at your house a bit more often so that she gets a break. She will need help, not pity, so tread carefully.

User12879923378 · 29/01/2020 10:55

She may not want to spend much of her remaining time with people who are not very very close to her. I had a close friend who found out that her cancer had returned and was terminal. I really wanted to see her, obviously, but she resisted all efforts on my part to meet up. At the time I was a little hurt by it (I did not make a fuss about it), but actually I really get it now: she had limited time and she wanted to lavish it on her children and close family. Much though I loved her I doubt I would have prioritised seeing her over close family in that situation. So be prepared for her not to want any help or input from you and don't take it personally if that is the case - it's lovely of you to want to help.

User12879923378 · 29/01/2020 10:57

with all of them taking selfies with her and crying when they left, saying 'it could be the last time I see you'

God

turnandfacethenamechange · 29/01/2020 11:04

with all of them taking selfies with her and crying when they left, saying 'it could be the last time I see you

That is fucking hideous

Frothybothie · 29/01/2020 11:07

From personal experience - Be There to suport her when her mother dies, and after. Let her know, dont lovebomb but let her know you are there.

chockaholic72 · 29/01/2020 13:41

@turnandfacethenamechange - yeah at times she was so angry; she said it was like being forced to leave a party she was having too good a time at. My uncle said once that it upset him that she felt that she had unfinished business, but I told him that I was proud that as Dylan Thomas said, my mum "raged against the dying of the light". She also pretended to be asleep for an hour when a friend came - made me laugh, and also made me understood a little of how it must feel.

It's been over twenty years since she left, and I miss her every day, but in some way it was the making of me. to you too.

user163578742 · 29/01/2020 14:00

Don't take over.

Being told you're dying is the ultimate loss of control over your own life; as humans we need to feel in control. Don't take even more of it away from her by making assumptions and decisions and discussing her behind her back.

If you were honest with yourself I suspect at least some of your motivation to want to do something is because it's frightened you and made you feel vulnerable and out of control having this happen to someone almost touching your life - it brings home that it could happen to you. You want to do something to make it feel better to you not her. Otherwise you would have discussed it with her not posted on here.

And before you shout me down for supposedly being heartless, I watched my own mum go through what this woman is far too young. It was incredibly distressing to her when people took control away from her and did shit like this to make themselves feel better when they hadn't bothered with her or others before she was dying.

She repeatedly ended up distraught because people assumed x y or z would be helpful and then charged off and did it without even speaking to her, when really all she wanted was to have privacy, choices and control as she went through each horrific day.

Aside from anything else don't you think she deserves to have her privacy respected? End of life care will already rob most of her privacy and dignity from her. Don't steal the last shreds of it.

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