Shameless posting for traffic.
My head is all over the place. Here is why:
- TTC for over a year. Had my bloods done and they’ve all come back fine. I know ovulation is imminent. DH has fobbed me off the last 4 nights. I’m out this month before ovulation has even started, that makes me feel fucking shit. I resent DH because he’s not in the mood/tired. Our sex life isn’t amazing but that’s both of us really not having high sex drives, having been together for 11 years. It’s normally about once a week.
- DH texts a girl he works with. He’s told me about it and is open that they talk about work. But Christmas Day I saw a message from her ‘😘😘😘😘’. I bought his up with him and he says she was just wishing him a merry Christmas. I have broken down about it about 2 times since and he has sworn on my life it’s nothing to worry about. He is honest, I believe him. But my mind is always going into overdrive about it and I’m so paranoid it’s something sinnister. Since last time I broke down about it, I don’t think I’ve actually seen him text her. But the paranoia is there. The urge to go through his phone whilst he is sleeping is too much, but I know this is a total violation of his privacy. He knows I have issues as my parents marriage ended in a similar fashion of my dad having an affair and texting OW, lying and just generally being a manipulative . DH knows I have trust issues, that I’m paranoid about things like that and get upset easy as he was there all those year ago when it unfolded.
- This started before the whole texting thing... But I keep having very intrusive thoughts and fantasies about hurting myself or killing my self, these have been going on for 2 months probably. (Fuck, that was hard to write). I think they are intrusive thoughts that I will not act on, I haven’t yet. But I can’t shake them. I am writing this because last night after he rejected my advances, I felt shit about the TTC thing, over another month of waiting as my cycles are long and shit and being paranoid about this work friend and I cried myself to sleep thinking about the ways to kill myself, digging my nails into scratching my wrists to hurt myself. I was in total dispear, sobbing like a baby all whilst DH was beside me peacefully sleeping.
It was because of last night I thought that maybe I need to go to the doctors and maybe get some AD and some councilling as I know this isn’t a healthy way to be. I’ve been crying this morning as well, which is unusual as my moods don’t usually carry over into the next day.
I’m sorry about the spelling mistakes. I’m in a bit of a fluster and can’t think of the correct spellings. I’m also sorry for the long post. Any advice or opinions welcome.