To feel that we should be open about our financial circumstances?

[leostar1994]

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and living together for two years. We are currently renting.

My boyfriend has always earned more than myself out of the two of us and so it's always been that he pays more the rent. I pay for the utilities and weekly food shop etc. When we go out together, we usually go halves.

He has recently lost his job and is now in a newer job at reduced pay. He won't tell me what he is earning as he's always been sensitive about this, but now he wants me to pay towards the rent as well. I don't mind doing this but would like him to be open with me so that we can proportionately pay the same % out of our respective salaries. He says that he "doesn't want to have a big discussion about it". He basically dismissed it. AIBU to ask this as a way of fairness? I'd obviously show him everything that I'd ask of him in return.

Honestly, I think you either split everything 50/50 or you have to be completely open and, whether or not you have an actual joint account, you have shared finances. Which you choose depends on the relationship you have.

Of course you should discuss this! I'm a fan of shared finances but know that's not for everybody. However, you have to know what each other is earning to work out a fair way of paying the bills. Is he secretive about anything else?

Actually, I think bridgets right. If he won't disclose how much he earns, you just pay 50% each of everything. So no 'I pay the rent, you pay the gas bill, etc' - you each pay 50% of the food shop, bills, rent, nights out etc. How you'd manage with without a joint account though, I'm not sure. You'd be constantly owing each other money!

I'm guessing you don't have a joint account?

He doesn't want a joint account - ages ago we were talking about marriage hypothetically and joint finances came up and he doesn't believe in shared accounts.

Sorry I really think there is something dodgy about someone who doesn't want joint accounts or joint finances once living together. From my personal experience any time someone has been cagey about disclosing financial information / balances / salaries it is because they have something to hide. For me now it is a complete non-negotiable. We have a joint account which all bills come out of and then joint savings and then individual accounts where we pay for our own things (hair cuts, waxing, games for Xbox, phone bills etc).

The only non-dodgy reason for telling you he doesn't want to disclose his new salary is pride but I can't believe you would live with someone who doesn't even tell you what they earn 🤯

he doesn't believe in shared accounts

Well they definitely exist. What are his objections?

If there's no transparency then it should be 50:50 split.

There are red flags hanging from red flags here...

He is hiding something. Giant debt, gambling, other family??

50:50 doesn't work if one partner is earning more than the other.

Budgeting properly includes discussing cash flow both in and out. How will you make sure you rent and bills are covered without discussing it? Long term, how will you save, apply for a mortgage, or plan your retirement?

Sorry I really think there is something dodgy about someone who doesn't want joint accounts or joint finances once living together.

This just isn’t true. I’m married but have my own bank account. There’s nothing wrong with having independent finances provided you are both equally contributing to the household.

You don’t really need to know how much he earns imo, I don’t see why that information is important.

As mentioned here, I think 50/50 works if you're earning similar amounts but my partner was earning double my salary. Pride probably is why he doesn't want to discuss it but even if it's only a few thousand less, it's still considerably more than myself.

Basically the outcome he is asking for is that you take a hit to your disposable income because he has got this new job? Even though he no doubt still has more disposable income than you? That doesn't seem at all fair.
I disagree with other posters that his income is none of your business - of course it is. There are three generally accepted options for dealing with sharing finances- you pool everything, pay a proportionate amount or you pay 50/50- but in every case you need transparency otherwise he has all the control?

But it doesn’t require a big discussion. He tells you his salary and you work out the difference between the two and divide your shared living costs proportionally.

I think it's weird that he doesn't want to tell you what he earns at this stage in a relationship.im surprised anyone does.

You can still have a joint account and personal private accounts. Thats what I do with my H. We transfer a set amount to our joint account each month and all bills come out of there. I have my own additional personal accounts and so does he.

You don't have to have a joint account instead of individual ones. Add up how much you spend each month on joint expenses - rent, bills, food etc. - and each pay half into an account each month. You're not sharing everything, you're just splitting the cost of the things you want to share in a convenient way.

He says that he "doesn't want to have a big discussion about it"

Say fine, no discussion necessary. Just text me your salary and I’ll calculate the new split.

All red flags. Hiding this information, not wanting a joint account, you being unable to work out proportionate contributions as a result, you explaining his behaviour (to yourself primarily, not just to us). Immature at best and possibly shady on his part.

If this is a serious relationship then:

He needs to grow up.

You need to have an open conversation with him.

You both should contribute proportionately to your salaries to all of your household bills and expenses.

PS People have joint accounts for bills and expenses only, you know. Maybe explain to him that your salaries don't necessarily have to paid into a JA, a groundbreaking thing known as standing order exist.

Go stalk the job online, you will find how much otbpayd

@Urkiddingright I mean joint as in transparency. Obviously you don't need to have a physical joint account but it would certainly make things easier.

I can't believe anything would think it is a responsible thing to do to be married to / in a serious relationship with someone without knowing their financial situation. What if there are huge debts?! You're linked by address to that financial history. Doubly linked if you are married or have a mortgage etc. I think renting together would even have some ties?

I don't know why someone would allow themselves to be that vulnerable willingly. Just because you don't know about the finances doesn't mean they won't affect you.